The Apple of My Eye

Unchained Melody

Two months after Star and I had parted ways and she had returned home to her parents, I had a birthday and she couldn't be with me, naturally. At the time, our separation still fit in the provisional and short-term categories. This is the letter she sent me, written by hand, her perfume subtly distinctive in every page, taking me back to places and memories we had once shared. Today, the fragrance is long gone, but the words and places and memories remain, ever so stirring, sweetened through the years just like wine, as the song goes. Here's what it said.

My love, I hope this letter reaches you in time for your birthday. It seems the universe conspires against us and makes it difficult for us to use even the simplest means of communication. My telephone is not working today, my internet connection is down, and I don't even have you here with me—which would render the other two unnecessary—but we always seem to find a way, don't we?

I have so much to tell you I don't know where to begin. I miss you so much my heart hurts, Stanley. I am so sad you're not here with me I had to write if only to cheer myself up.

I just read your letter again, the one you wrote me right before Christmas, remember? I touched your writing on the paper with my fingertips and I cried. I cried because I could feel you so close, like you were really here with me. I look at your handwriting and I find it so beautiful, and I know it's all mine, each word was dedicated to me, to only me, with so much love and affection I can still feel it just from touching the paper.

As I read, oh how I wish I could go back in time, when our only problem seemed to be people talking about us behind our backs, people judging us, people minding our business instead of their own. I wish we could go back to those days because then we knew we would be together again in two weeks. Because we knew we still had a choice. Today, unfortunately, I have none.

I didn't want to make this letter awfully sad and depressing, but I just miss you so damn much, Stanley.

I miss those days when I could just walk up to your office and bring you a treat, like those dried apple chips you seem to love so much—I still can't understand how you can eat the dreadful things.

Those were the best days of my life, my finest hour, when I was so happy, when you made me feel so complete. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

I didn't think it was possible for someone like you, someone so gifted, so special, to really want me for myself. And I never doubted your character. Never. I just couldn't believe someone like you could really want me that much. But I knew who you were the moment I met you. In a way, it's like I had been waiting for you all along. I knew you were meant to be the love of my life. That day, when you walked into the counter at the reception and took a seat next to me, God, I was so certain it was you I was terrified.

It didn't take too long for us to surrender, did it? Every new development felt so magical, so pure, we knew we had something special going on. How could two people just meet and fall in love in so little time? And not just any love, but a love everlasting like ours, a love destined to last for all eternity.

Remember we were both scared of the possibility that one of us would realize, while we were away from each other during the holidays, that it was all temporary, that it would pass? We soon found out it was quite the opposite. We'd exchange these ginormous emails! I loved every second of that.

And when I returned, you took care of me, you gave me so much love, so much attention, so much devotion. It was so unique. Each and every kiss only made me more certain that our love was real. Your eyes, your touch, it all made me feel like no man could ever love another woman in the whole universe the way you loved me. I was the luckiest woman alive. We were happy together. We were blessed to have crossed each other's paths.

I will always be thankful for the opportunity fate has given me. The chance to love you, to be loved by you, the kind of privilege most people only dream of. And I would do it all over again, except for one little thing: I wouldn't be so far from you today. I never would have let you go like I did. Let you pack up your stuff and leave our house like that.

I remember that stupid wardrobe with the doors falling off their hinges. I spent so many hours standing there, all its doors open, and I'd touch your shirts when you weren't there just so I could feel you near. I could feel your fragrance in them. I could hold you in my arms then, even if only in my mind. Remember when I wouldn't let you leave? When you were already late to go pick up your daughter? I'd wrap my arms around your neck so tight and wouldn't let you go for the life of me. And you loved that!

If I could really go back in time I never would have left. I will never forgive myself for leaving you. I think about that with such resolution and determination that sometimes I think I can really turn back time. I go nuts thinking up a thousand ways to get back to you, and I wonder if you do the same, if sometimes you too gaze into the distance, thinking of me, thinking of us, like I do.

God only knows how I wish I was there for your birthday, baby. Every minute, every second of that day, I'll be thinking of you, thinking how unfair it is that I don't get to be by your side. I had fantasized about us being back together by now, being in our house, where I'd be your wife and you'd be my man and everything would be just perfect. How silly of me, right?

Ah, I learned so much from you, Stanley. But the most important lesson I learned is that one can love with an intensity I never thought possible. You have taught me that. The way you loved me. The way you love your daughter. It was such a thrill to be loved by you, to have the good fortune that was to laugh and play and enjoy so many moments in your company. I understand Victoria now, because I feel the same way now that you're gone. And I'll admit I'm envious of her because I didn't get to feel loved like that for five years, like she has. But I'm not complaining. I'm still glad I got to spend those few special months with you.

I want you to know it doesn't matter how far apart we are. Even if fate sees it that someday we lose all contact, I will go on loving you. I will always be thinking of you, each second of my days, every day of my life. I will never forget the nights we shared, those endless nights of ours, when we made love till the morning light, when we completed each other like magnets, like pieces in a puzzle. Our walks, our talks, our movies, our pizzas, all the moments I was lucky to have shared with you. It felt so awfully good to be able to make you smile, to run my fingers through your hair, to make you sleep in my arms.

You'll be in my heart forever, Stanley. My love will be yours forever. No matter how many years have passed, I will always be your girl, and no one else's. You are my most beautiful, my last love story. A love like yours, a love like ours, I know I'll never find again as long as I live. You have made me the happiest woman in the world for every second you and I shared together. I'm forever in your debt for all the sweet memories.

The apple of your eye,

Star

June2009