The Apple of My Eye

Tainted Love

The weekend flew right by. Before we knew it, it was Sunday afternoon. Time to go back home. Even though it did feel like home when I was with Star, that was not exactly the way of things in late November 2008. I guess you could say home is where the heart is, to which I'll respond that that may very well be, but that home is not always your final destination at the end of a journey.

And so it was. Star and I flew back into town making the most of every last kiss and every last minute together. However, as soon as we were off the plane we sort of didn't know what to do with each other. Now that we had reached the end of our little adventure, we knew we'd be going separate ways, that was a given, but we didn't know whether to say, "This was great. Let's do it again sometime," or "I'm so in love with you. Let's stay together for the rest of our lives." As it turned out, we said neither. If our weekend had been the highlight of our relationship up until now, then the way we said goodbye to each other at the airport that day was sort of the low point, far from the icing on the cake I had expected it to be. It was like we were both terrified of what we were feeling, afraid to allow ourselves to experience that kind of emotion all the way. Too good to be true, maybe? For all we both knew, it could be the last time, so we were both acting like we were anesthetized, so to speak. Maybe we really were. In days to come, we'd get a chance to talk about our awkward goodbye at the end of that magical weekend, but right then and there, we both acted like we didn't know what the fuck we were doing together. We ended up looking and sounding cold, emotionless.

A little peck on the lips and she was gone.

Hours later, when I was sitting at home after picking up Victoria, though, something became very clear to me all of a sudden, something I knew was bound to hit me sooner or later. I'd always known it would be just a matter of time until I wanted—until I needed—to bring a girl home, to tell people I was seeing someone again, to let everyone know I wasn't available anymore. Like, officially, you know? Tell my mom and dad and everything. And that time had come. That time was now. I wanted Star to be that girl. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I wanted her to meet my daughter, to be around on weekends, all that jazz. I knew in my heart that was the right thing to do. True, I hadn't consulted with Star yet, but in my mind I could do no wrong. It was just a matter of announcing it to her, as opposed to depending on her decision to either go with it or turn me down. I didn't think she'd turn me down, not after the weekend we'd shared, but you never know.

My whole reasoning did not even scratch the surface of everything involved in that decision, though. You guessed right. The real problem would manifest itself once Chloe got word that I was seeing someone and that things were getting pretty hot and heavy between that someone and me. I had been avoiding this moment for months, secretly wishing I would never have to actually go through it, but it had finally caught up to me.

I would have to break the news to Chloe gently, yes, but not in an apologetic way. I could not let the fact that she had been living under the assumption that we'd eventually get back together interfere with my resolution to move forward with Star. But in order to think of the right way to do it, I thought it best to let the idea sink in for a couple of days. Then one morning, as she was in the process of picking up our daughter to take her to school, I told her I'd like to discuss something with her as soon as possible, and would it be okay for her to stop by after she had dropped off Victoria? Her eyes beamed at the thought. She didn't hesitate.

"Yeah, sure," she said. I just knew she had gotten a totally different vibe from the one I intended to convey.

When she got back a few minutes later, I sat her down in the living room and we started talking. I tried to work up the coldness I needed to do the deed, but I doubted I had it in me. I did not want to beat around the bush, but had to struggle to find the right words to go straight to the heart of the matter. I took a deep breath to harden myself, and finally blurted, "I'm seeing someone. I'm moving on. It's pretty serious, too. I'd like to bring her here sometime, and I'd like Victoria to meet her and everything, but I need to know that you'll be okay with that."