The Apple of My Eye

The Indifference of Heaven

I had nowhere else to turn to, so I went straight to Danielle Peazer to ask for a raise. She explained to me that it was company policy to promote collaborators—that's how they referred to us hoi polloi—once a year, provided we had earned it, obviously. She said I had been doing exceptional work (I had heard that one before) and added that I was going to be a natural candidate for promotion when the time came.

What? When the time came?

And then she concluded her little speech by telling me that the time, however, would not be coming until August. Fuck if I could wait till August. I'd have become destitute by August if things carried on unchanged. It wasn't up to Peazer to promote me or give me raises, fair enough. The most she could do, and she had done it before, mind you, was put in a good word for me. Unfortunately, a good word would not do me a whole lot of good as far as my finances were concerned.

I asked Peazer if corporate would ever consider granting me a personal loan that I could pay off in six months or something like that. I already knew the answer, honestly, I don't know why I even asked. Except I knew exactly why I asked: I was at the end of my tether. Long story short, I would not be able to continue to live with Star if I didn't get my hands on a substantial amount of money real soon. The answer, as expected, was negative.

"You know corporate does not deal in personal loans, Stanley," Peazer explained in the most rueful tone.

"Unlike so many other employers," I said.

"Unlike so many other employers, true," she agreed.

"Is there something corporate can do for me in this case? Can't they give me my Christmas bonus now, for instance?" I ventured.

"Stanley, this is March. What in the world are you talking about?" She said sternly, bringing me down to earth with a thud. "How come you need money so bad, anyway? Didn't you get a raise, like, three or four months ago?"

"I know, I know. I may have let things get a little bit out of hand, is all," I said, trying to conceal the severity of my circumstances.

Peazer knew very little about my businesses outside the workplace. I considered letting her in on my private undertakings, hopeful that if she could relate to any of the stuff I'd share with her, she'd maybe work a little harder toward getting me the extra money I needed so bad. But I knew that wasn't going to happen, so I didn't even bother. What difference would it make to Peazer if I had recently separated, if I had a daughter to support, if I was trying to make things work with my live-in girlfriend? If anything, she would see what a mess I had made of my personal life and worry that I might replicate the chaos in the workplace. The fact of the matter was, I had let things get way out of control, and that was my fault and nobody else's. I bit off more than I could chew. I made my bed and now I lay in it. You name what proverb applies to the shitty state of my affairs. But the long and short of it was that my affairs were indeed shitty, and I had to come up with something fast.

Star didn't have any luck asking her boss for a raise, either. She didn't even go as far as to talk about the stupid loan. She already knew what Peazer had said to me, so that was the end of that.

I wish money problems had been the only thing standing in the way of my unrestricted happiness, but I'm afraid there was more. And while it had started in kind of a cute way, it was getting pretty heavy now. And yes, I am talking about Star and her ever growing emotional dependence on me. The episodes I mentioned earlier, where I wouldn't get back home from spending the day with my daughter until late at night, only to come across Star in a vegetative state in bed, looking like she was brain-damaged or something, those were becoming commonplace now. Every damn weekend. And the time it took Star to cheer herself back to normal each time was increasing exponentially, too.