The Apple of My Eye

Landslide

"I don't know what went wrong. I don't know if it's my fault or what it is. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do. Nothing is working the way I had planned, Di."

Star is on the phone with Diana, whom she addresses as Di, the high school best friend she left behind when she moved into the big city. She admits she hasn't kept in touch with Diana a whole lot all this time she's been away, but that's because her life is just so hectic, what with all the work she has to do and all the household chores and whatnot. It is definitely not because she has forgotten about Di or does not need her virtual shoulder to cry on. It's been more than a year since Star left her hometown. Although she has certainly made some friends, none has taken Diana's place as far as sentimental counseling is concerned.

"I feel so lost, Di. I don't know how I got into this mess, but I have to find a way to get out of it," she cries.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Star. This shit just happens. It really does, I'm not just saying it. You were way too young to move in with this guy like you did. To make a decision like the one you made. Way too young. And I'm not saying you shouldn't have, I'm just saying we all knew this could happen. You knew it, too."

Star knew it, too. She knows Diana is right. She does not regret having made the decision, over a year ago, to move in with David, it's not that. She has no doubts about that at all. Not only did she want it to work, but she couldn't see any reason on earth why it wouldn't work. She was in love with him. He was in love with her. She had faith in them. Isn't that all it takes? Love and faith? Doesn't everything else come sort of naturally when there's love and faith?

All of a sudden, she comes to the harsh realization that all the naysayers and cynics had a point. A very good point, actually. No one told her it would not work, not in so many words; all they did was tell her it would be totally understandable if it didn't work. And that's what she is having trouble accepting now. It didn't work, and that's a fact. And to make things just that little bit more difficult, she is falling for another man. Falling for the wrong man, for all she knows.

"I know that, Di. I do. I've always known that. But it was all so perfect, you know? Everything made so much sense back then. I really wanted it to work."

"I know you did, Star. But what did you know about the way of the world? You'd never left this place. You'd never been with anyone," Di makes a very good point. "Is it this other guy you told me about? Is he the reason?"

"No, it's got nothing to do with him. I mean, of course he's a big part of all this. But, you see, if there hadn't been anything wrong with me and David in the first place, then there wouldn't have been another guy, right?"

"Yeah. I know. What about David? Does he know anything?"

"Of course not. I don't even know if I'm ever gonna tell him. But then again I don't think he cares anymore, you know? He's never around. And we haven't been a real couple for a while now. We're like two old people in this place, Di. I think maybe he's seeing other girls, too."

"Really? Well, then that is perfect, Star."

"It's not, Di. It's so not perfect. I wish he'd just go ahead and dump me if seeing other people's what he's been doing. I've been trying real hard to not do the wrong thing here. Not to cheat on him. I don't cheat, Di. That ain't me. You know that. But then . . . What the hell am I fighting for, you know? What's the point of all this? For a while, I really tried to patch things up, I did. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I wish I could just disappear."

"Well, you can't just disappear, and that's actually a very good thing. I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with it."

"But how am I gonna do that?"

"I don't know, Star. When it happens, you'll just know. You don't really plan these things. Well, sometimes you do, but they almost never turn out the way you want them to."

Star hangs up and assesses the mess of blues her life has become. Diana did the best she could with what little resources she had, but she can't really comprehend what's going on. How could true love have turned to this? Star feels as if she hardly knows David anymore. It's like they're brother and sister, and they're the kind of brother and sister who barely put up with each other, who almost never talk or do things together.

Now there's this storm brewing in her heart. Did it have to happen right in the workplace, of all places? The one area of her life where, after her involuntary transfer and all that drama, everything seemed to have settled down at last? She cannot even think of work without associating that thought with Stanley, the branch coordinator, from whom everyone told her to stay away because, well, because he is trouble. Why didn't she listen? He is nothing but a nightrider. He is going to cause her nothing but sorrow, nothing but heartbreak, home wrecker that he is.

Except he isn't any of those things, of course. She knows she was the one who initiated this whole pandemonium by, first, insisting on the apology thing about the reception incident from weeks before. Couldn't she just leave it alone? Why did she have to go on and on about it like she did? Was that her mind playing tricks on her? Was she aware that that was an unconscious tactic to approach him? And then there were all the Skype talks. Wasn't that a form of violation of his personal space? In his defense, the guy did try to stay away, to steer clear of trouble, to let her be, but shejust wouldn't let him, would she?

Now there is all the stuff he said to her last night, too. The words are still ringing in her ears. Did he actually mean those words? Could it be possible that, of all the women throwing themselves at him, he had picked her? And she's not one of them, she tells herself. She isn't anything like them. She wasn't throwing herself at him, come on. She was just making friendly banter. What's wrong with that?

Oh, who is she kidding? She too was throwing herself at him. Or maybe don't be too hard on herself. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe that is his trick. He hypnotizes girls into thinking they're the ones going after him. It's chick voodoo. He must be evil then.

Oh, the torment. The anguish. He's got his teeth in her like a fucking vampire, that's what's happening. And she's turning. She tries to convince herself he isn't worthy of her, but he's got the whole swallowed-his-pride-and-opened-his-heart-last-night thing working in his favor. He just seemed so truthful. So authentic. And the way he held her . . . The intensity. She hasn't felt that way in a long time. Come to think of it, maybe she has never felt that way. And the way he didn't try to impose himself on her or steal a kiss . . . That sets him apart, doesn't it? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it was all cheap tactics after all. How dare he think such cheap tactics would work with her? Maybe she would have preferred it if he had stolen a kiss from her. Yeah, that would have made a world of difference-or would it?

Star's universe is ripe and swirling with both doubt and possibility. Yes, she feels lost, but a part of her is loving all of this, it's undeniable. She does not know quite what to make of it, but she just can't stop thinking about him. It's unreal, even. Maybe she'll talk to him again. Yeah. They need to discuss what happened last night. She can't just let go of something so singular and extraordinary without checking to see if it's real first. On second thought, maybe she should just leave this stuff alone and never talk to him again. Ever. Maybe quit this godforsaken job altogether. Except, come on, who is she kidding? That is so not what she wants. But she's not prepared for any of this. She does not feel equipped to handle the changing seasons of her life. And, as the song goes, she wonders if the child in her heart can actually manage to rise above this mess.

Why does this stuff have to be so complicated?