The Apple of My Eye

No Surprises

After another week of intense email exchange and skyping, Star finally made her way back into the city on the first Sunday of the new year. I drove to the airport to pick her up—not without a fight with Chloe when I dropped Victoria off at her place because "I needed to take care of something."

At the arrival lounge in the airport, when I finally spotted Star in the distance, I noticed she looked tired, and only then did I realize I was tired, too. Tired of waiting, tired of all the conflict, tired of things not working the way we wanted them to work in all our self-centeredness. When we finally came within reach of each other, we hugged for what felt like hours. No kissing. No words. Just that hug. More like a boxer who has lost his match embraces a loved one for consolation—we were both the boxer and the loved one in that analogy, by the way—than like lovers who were hungry for each other's touch after a long absence.

We sat in the car for a while, and still didn't say a hell of a lot. The love was still there, don't get me wrong, and it was undamaged, every bit as strong as it had been two weeks before, but we were shaken, visibly exhausted. Contented, too, obviously, but there were too many question marks floating all around for us to really act romantic at this time. There were plenty more hugs, a little bit of kissing, and lots of gazing. That was a sign, I knew, I just didn't know what it was signaling. What I did know, though, was that it still felt like I was home when I was in the presence of this woman, even if I felt like a soldier who had just arrived home after years at war, and the whole décor looked a tad unfamiliar.

I wanted to be with her all day, every day, but right now that was going to have to wait. I had left Victoria with her mother, and, because she seemed mad and out of control, I feared not for my daughter's safety, but for her peace of mind. I drove Star back to her place— I wondered how long it was still going to be her place—and promised to call her later that day to see how she was doing. On Monday we'd both be back at work, which, despite all the gossip and rubbernecking of the final weeks of 2008, seemed like the perfect refuge for us two lost souls now. There we would be able to talk and determine our course of action and how we would fulfill our vision together.

As I drove home after leaving Star, I called Chloe to gauge her mood. It wasn't good. She demanded to see me right away. She had something important she wanted to talk to me about, she said. She knew I had been with Star, I figured, so she just wanted to cause me more trouble, to stand in my way just a little bit more, to make sure I would not get to experience any degree of tranquility whatsoever.

When I got there, she sat me down on the living room couch. Victoria was playing in her bedroom, oblivious to her parents quarreling right nearby. Chloe demanded to know what my plans were, and I indulged her. I explained I intended to move in with Star in the next few days. You could see all the rage in her eyes as I talked, but she kept it together and waited for her turn to speak. Then she presented her terms: there was no way in hell she would ever allow our daughter anywhere near Star. Victoria was not to spend any time in my apartment as long as there was another woman living there. And if Star so much as crossed her way on the street, Chloe warned me, she could not be held accountable for her actions, especially if she were driving and Star were casually strolling on the sidewalk. I didn't take that last bit seriously, honestly. I didn't think she'd be capable of inflicting pain upon anyone, except for pain of the emotional variety, naturally, of which she was turning into quite the master. All the same, what did I know, right? My wife's turmoil at the thought of finally losing me for good was a combination of a great many factors, but the thing that stood out in her voice and her overall appearance as she spoke to me this afternoon was anger. Manic anger. She sounded and looked genuinely insane with anger, especially because on the surface she seemed to be keeping it together. And that made it all the more scary, I tell you.