Poems

Scrub until i bleed

TRIGGER WARNING//this is a very heavy topic it talks about my SA and how i felt afterwards please be kind and if you are triggered by these topics SCROLL PLEASE

Scrub until i bleed
I used to love you
i used to cherish you
now i don't know who you are.
i don't know who i am..
i feel.. dirty, and pathetic

i worry about what to do, you said if i told mom she would get mad so i stayed silent.
and you continued to touch me for years, each time it hurt more physically but less emotionally i started to blur out what you would do to me so i could be happy.
but i still scrubbed so hard in the shower that i started to bleed,

i still felt nasty, pathetic, and dirty
i was still too scared to tell mommy
because i was only a child.
that is a fact, a nine year old little girl you were supposed to love
a nine year old little girl who called you dad even though you weren't related by blood.

you hurt her,
ruined her perception of love
now she's older
and while you're in prison because she did speak up
she still finds a way back to men like you
who use and abuse
who make her weep and sob
because that's what she was exposed to.
and it'll take an eternity for her to figure out that she's not in the wrong for their actions.
or yours
she was just a kid.

she still is a kid deep down, but that kid has drowned in her own sorrows long ago.
that child is dead in a way
because it was that same child scrubbing
scrubbing to get the feeling of your hands off of her body.