Poems

Fear

  I'm scared to be a mother
I fear that I'll become what my mother was
An addict
Neglectful
Mean

I don't want to be that person to my child.
I want to be the person they can cry into,
the person they can tell anything without being scared of getting hit or yelled at.

My mom was an addict for all of my childhood,
I don't have much of any good memories with her when I was younger.
simply because I was always locked in my room because she didn't want me to see her get high.

She at least had the decency to hide that from me,
I love my mom
That's something I can't help honestly.
I was always a mommy's girl because daddy wasn't there.

Even though my mom was horrible.
She shouldn't have had me so young,
She should've lived her life.

Fifteen years old and being pregnant with an unfaithful partner really must've did a lot to her.
It caused her to meet the worst man in the world and let him in my life in the absence of my father.

I know what happened to me wasn't her fault.
But deep down I can't help but blame her the slightest bit.
She stayed with him
despite the punches
and the broken glass on the floor.

I begged her to leave him so many times even as a child I knew that something was wrong.
But she never would.

I saw my friends at school have their parents come to award ceremonies.
But my mom never came to any of mine.
I saw parents come to eat lunch at school before thanksgiving break.

But my mom never came.
I felt left out constantly
seeing my friends with their mothers
it hurt me to know I never got that.

I hated her for so long even after she turned her life around.
Sometimes I still do
But I am glad she finally changed.
But I still can't find the strength in my soul to fully forgive her
And I can't even tell myself why that is because I don't know.

I do love her though
And I always will
Even if she's a fuck up
and a bad mom
She's still my mom