Worth sinning for(Salvis)

The pain in my body is an off switch for pain in my head.

(travis pov)

I just want to roll into a ball and disappear. I have school on Monday cause my suspension is finally over and I don't think I can look anyone in the eye that saw that poster. I feel so gross and ashamed, like I could scrub my body for hours and it would still never be clean. It's 9 o'clock when Sal says he's tired and ready for bed.

"Do i still have to go to the bathroom to change, i meannnnnnn" sal says and i shake my head, there's nothing i haven't seen. I took a shower and got changed into PJ's as soon as we got home from our walk. I lay back in the bed and squeeze my eyes shut. My chest feels like it's about to explode from anxiety, there's no way to make it stop or go away. Actually, there is. There's one way that I know to make it go away. I sit up and sals already mostly dressed.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom" I stated before sliding off the bed and going to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I open the mirror scanning the shelfs for a razor. I pull out a razor and some bandages for later. I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt so I pull it up to my elbow. I dismantle the razor and pick up one of the blades holding it above my skin for a few moments, hesitating. As soon as the razor starts moving across my skin I feel instant relief from my emotions.

It's like the pain in my body is an off switch for pain in my head.

I repeat the process a couple times hesitating before each cut, it just hurts so good, relieving me of the constant suffocating feeling in my chest.

Knock

I jump, setting the blade down on the sink.

"Travis are you okay? '' says Sal from the other side of the door. I begin washing the blood off in the sink and applying bandages to the cuts.

"Yeah I'll be out in a second '' I replied, screwing the razor back together. I quickly put the things back on the shelf and closed the mirror. I roll down my sleeve and leave the bathroom feeling 100 times better than when I entered. Sals sitting on the couch with his cat watching some horror movie. I look at the clock and it reads 9:13.

"I'm gonna go to bed" I say and Sal looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Already?" he says looking at the clock.

"Want me to go with you" he says getting off the couch gizmo in his arms. I smile. I love him.

"I'd love that" I say walking into his room. I throw myself down on the bed rubbing my eyes. I'm exhausted. I pull the covers over me before Sal joins me. He put gizmo at our feet. He took his mask off and set it on the nightstand.

"Come here," he says, opening his arms. I slide right into his hug and wrap my own arms and legs around him.

"I love you sal" I say my heart skipping a beat.

"I love you too travis" he says hugging me tight, and just like that we fell asleep.

(sal pov)

When I wake up Travis is still in my arms. He said he loved me. I said I loved him. I do love him. I love Travis phelps. I love him. I just want to scream of happiness but I don't. I run my hand through his hair.

"Travis," I say a few times before he finally opens his eyes looking at me.

"It's time for school" I say and he rolls his eyes so far back I think they might get stuck back there. He pushes off of me stretching like a starfish before sitting right up.

"I got this," he says, climbing over me. He rummages through his bag pulling out his purple sweater and a pair of khakis.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom" he says exiting the room. I get myself on a mission to try and find a clean shirt. I need to do laundry. I get completely dressed and get all my books in my backpack and Travis is still in the bathroom. He's been taking forever in there recently. I mean what is he doing there??? I don't think he shaves...

Knock

It must be larry. I go to open the door but my dad beats me.

"Hey Larry, face come in," my dad says with a smile before returning to the couch and his morning news.

"Thanks mr. Fisher, ready to go sal?" he asks i shake my head no.

"Travis is still in the bathroom" I say and in that moment Travis bursts out the door and runs into my room. A minute later he comes out of the room with his backpack and terrible green shoes.

"Ready" he says smiling walking to the door. I grab his hand as he gets to me and he squeezes it tight in his. The ride to school is surprisingly normal, I thought Travis would be freaking out about the posters still. When we got to school everyones gathered around one street light in front of the school and my stomach sank. I just know what they're looking at, I look at Travis but he's.. Fine? He's smiling but has a blank look in his eyes, it feels weird.

"Travis are you okay? '' I ask and his smile fades. He rubs his eyes almost as if he can't tell if what's happening is real.

"Yeah, I just need to get to class," he says, opening the car door and getting out. Larry looks at me, eyes full of concern but I just shrug. We're almost to the door when some kid I don't know rushes up to travis. He has a big cross necklace. He must be from the church.

"Travis is this true, it can't be Travis, that's a sin you have to find yourself a nice girl" he says in a rushed tone. Travis stops walking and takes the flier from the boy's hands.

"Maybe it is true so what" travis says shoving the paper back at the boy before beginning to walk again. He's acting so weird. Travis doesn't say another word to me or Larry before going to his first period.

(A/N- HEY YALL!!! sorry this part took so long AND is so short but ive personally stuggled with the same anxiety and self harm that travis does and i underestimated how hard it would be to write lol. anyways hope you loved it have a good day!!!)