The Uncontrolable Thoughts

NUMB

Nothing, I just feel nothing.

People don't talk about the feeling of nothing-ness you will experience while not being at the lowest point. Yes, you may not be at rock bottom but It's still not nice being in this numb state of mind.

The dam will eventually break and when it does that then turns into the worst night of my life, when the dam breaks is when I loose all self awareness about myself and my surroundings. Eventually it does break and until then, I'm just waiting around for it to break.

People ask me how I'm feeling but all I can say is "okay" as that is the only acceptable answer to them, how can I tell them that I currently don't feel anything. To some people that may seem like a good thing but in reality, it's awful.

Being numb is sometimes more painful than feeling everything at it's fullest, It causes frustration.

The frustration of not feeling anything, I want to feel something... anything

I know what it means, it means that soon I will break. It's a never-ending cycle, I feel okay then the numbness sets in and soon enough I am taken hostage by the thoughts and bad feelings that are circling in my head 24/7.

I wish I could stop it but all I can do is wait and anticipate my fall, It's not an enjoyable life.

I wouldn't want anyone to live this kind of life, a life where you are consumed by yourself and are stuck with no way out. A life where you have to sit around waiting and analysing your own behaviour to see when you will crumble because sometimes you don't even realise that it is happening. This is not a life, it's imprisonment to and from yourself.

A warning sign, that is all I ask for. I just want a warning sign before I am a risk to my own life.

"Would you take yourself to A&E?" is what I've been asked before and I may have said yes but that was a lie. Just that thought is terrifying enough nevermind the actual process. I wouldnt do that, I am scared, embarassed by my situation and the fact that I can't control my own life is worse.

Lies, it's all lies.

I lie to make others feel better about themselves, eveyone feels better to hear you have been improving even if they don't see that you are worse off then you were the last month they asked that same heart breaking question.

Coping strategies are non exsistant, just like my sanity is slowly becoming non exsistant. It eats away at you bit by bit until you havent got anything left to give.

"This is the worst point in my life". I have made the mistake of thinking that eveytime things have gotten bad and everytime I have proven myself wrong. Every dip is steeper than the last, every hole more narrow than the other and every tunnel out is darker than the last.

I ignore it, make myself oblivious to the changes that are happening to me.

It doesn't help, nothing helps. The pain and suffering subsides but it is always watching me try to be happy, ready to ruin any positivity present in my life.

Normal, is what I crave to have in my life. Normality of having a few bad days but overall being a happy individual, God I wish that was the case. I wish that I wouldnt become so consumed by everything and be in the same fucked up cycle that ends up deteriorating my mental and physical health more and more each time.

"Your not alone, other go through the same thing", I do wonder if that is supposed to make me feel better. I know that other people go through the same issues as me but that doesnt mean that I still want to go through it.

I'm sick of waiting around for something to happen.

I'm sick of waiting for doctors appointments, therapy appointments, medication, the downfall. I am so tired of it all.

I miss the carefree life I used to have but now that I think back, I can't picture a life where I wasn't battling with myself.

5 Years, thats how long i've been in my battle for. 5 years of ups and downs, big highs and bad lows. This has been my life for so long and I dont want it to take over my adult life too, why won't it just stop?

I've wondered for many years as to why this has happened but at some point I decided to give up trying to find an answer that doesnt exsist. The answer will never exsist, no matter how hard I try to search for it.

I pray that no one is going through the same thing, but it is inevitable.

For those in the early stages, don't be afraid to get help, don't be afraid to use the services in your area. It will be okay soon, just don't stop believing that you can get out of it. Get help before it gets worse, you will regret it if you don't.

Take a page from my book and live your life to the fullest, I love each and everyone of you <3

You wanna hurt yourself, I'll stay with you
You wanna make yourself go through the pain
It's better to be held than holding on
- She's in the rain by The Rose