The Uncontrolable Thoughts

DEATH

I'm still holdin' on to everything that's dead and gone
I dont wanna say goodbye, cause' this one means forever
Now you're in the stars and six-feet's never felt so far
Here I am alone between the heavens and the embers
- In the stars by Benson Boone

It hurts, the pain eats at me alive. Taking piece after piece without giving me a minute to even gain some form of conciousness. Nobody tells you how bad the pain gets. Nobody tells you the gut wrenching crys you can let out, Nobody tells you the pain will always remain.

Death, it's a strange concept. Yes, you can sit here and tell me that we all die evenutaully but I never believed it would happen to you. I was blindsided into thinking you'd be here forever. Now I know it was all bullshit, you did leave me even though I thought you never would.

I will forever relive the day, the panic that immediatly ensued in my body, the tears that instantly surfaced and dripped one by one down my face. I though that this was some fucked up dream, I had the underlying feeling that something was going to happen soon but what i didnt expect was your death.

Yes, you were getting old but this shouldnt've have happened to you, not now and not forever. Many people should've taken your place, especially him, hell I would take your place in a heart beat.

People underestimate the power of death. The hold and control it has over you is inevitable and it is nearly impossible to escape its clutch, I would know. I havent managed to escape as of yet and I dont know if I ever will.

"Time will heal the wound" I was told, time has done nothing but make me realise that your not coming back, your not waiting for me at your flat, your not going to be there to greet me with a hug, not anymore.

I cant stop asking myself 'why?'. Why did you leave?, why did it have to be now? and most importantly why me?.

This whole thing has been a blur, I forget it has happend and that hurts. Life was different after your stroke and we mourned over you then but still I had hope, hope that you would get better and live your life like you wanted to.

I always said that if you died, I would be helpless. I feel like that now, im surprised that I have held on for this long. In a way, I dont want to continue but i have to. For mum, for my best friend and most imporantly you.

I know that you would want me to live the life I deserve, I am devestated that I wont be able to share it with you. There were so many things I wanted to do with you.

You never got to meet the person that saved my life, I wanted you to meet the friend that yes i may not have known for long but the girl who single handedly saved me from myself, the girl who gave me a reason to live, the girl who appreciates me for who I am and doesnt want me to change unlike some of my older 'friends'.

I want a hug. They were the only things that got me through those hard time, I would crave them constantly and I have never wanted one more in my life right now and I cant have it. I want one last 'I love you'. I would give anything and everything just to hear you say that one last time or even just to hear your voice.

I have been cheated in this game that is life, I want it to reset. I know that i dont deserve this, I may not be the best person in the world but i know that I didnt derserve your death.

Death is something nobody deserves, I wouldnt imagine this pain on anyone but I would happily take it from anyone I care about in a heartbeat. I am already struggling, my life is already practically over ,even at the age of 17, so why not make the people I care about pain free?

The memories hurt to talk about now and I wish that wasnt the case, I want to be able to share your memories without tears springing to my eyes or the voices in my head telling me that I shouldve been better.

"Everything happens for a reason", people say this all the time yet I can't find a single reason for you to have left me.

I will never be able to wrap my head around your death, it was so quick, so sudden and so unexpected. I wish I had time to prepare myself for the crippling pain that came with your death. Maybe then I would be in a better situation.

I can't believe that I wont be spending 40 minutes to get to your flat anymore but 1 hour to your gravestone. I brought my best friend with me, I hope you enjoyed her company as much as I do. She is incredible and I know you wouldve treated her like your own, you always did with my mum.

It's the little things that I miss the most. I will miss your comical recations when I would dye my hair some crazy colour. I will miss you braiding my hair so tight that you would think I was bald from the front. I will miss our little trips on the bus when you would pick us up from primary school. I miss the times when it was just you and I.

Death is somthing that nothing in life prepares you for, especially when It Is someone your close to.

You pray that they died peacefully, but nobody talks about when it is obviously not peaceful and how much that then takes a toll on you.

People react in very diffrent ways. Some get emotional. Some close themsleves off. I am the closed off type of person, I found it irritating when people would say that they are "So sorry" for my loss. I hate when people say that. Or when people come from out of the blue as if they've just remembered that person exsisted.

Pretending, It's my way of coping. I sit and pretend I am fine when in reality, I couldnt be further from it.

The depths of the two words "I'm fine" is so much deeper than anyone will know, I was never 'fine' and I dont think I ever will be again.

It hurts, the hole that was created when you left just gets deeper and deeper. I dont know if it will ever stop being dug deeper, maybe I need to start filling it in? But I cant bring myself to do that.

'Stop thinking about it' Thats what I tell myself, It doesn't help. It makes them nights so much harder and so much more painful. Nobody tells you about the urge to destroy everything within your touch, they dont tell you about the screams you want to let out simply because the pain and frustration gets to be too much.

It drains me, thinking about the what if's and just the neverending questions that followed with your death.

Holidays are going to be a struggle, especially my 18th. I dont care about my birthdays much but this is the one I really do care about and you won't even be here to celebrate with me.

I'm miserable nana, without you here life just seems dull. I pray to whatever god is up there that life becomes bright again soon, even though your not going to be in it ever again. I miss you so much and I hope that you are now living a peaceful and pain-free life now. I love you nana <3

This is dedicated to my nana, who was very much and incredible person but sadly passed away on January 25th at age 71.
I love you so much nana, I'll see you again someday. <3