The Uncontrolable Thoughts

FRUSTRATION

Insane is what I feel like I'm becoming, slowly but surely I am being drove insane by myself.

I am angry, I lowthe myself, I am confused, alone, struggling, helpless and frustrated. The list could go on and on with words that I could potentially use to describe myself and my mental state.

Frustration is the strongest emotion. It takes over every other negative feeling, it replaces all the numbness or sadness with this overwhelming feeling of detest that will not let up no matter how hard I try to contain it. That in itself is frustrating.

Everything makes me frustrated now. Even simple things like talking to people sometimes makes me so incredibly frustrated that I have to physically remove myself before I snap.

My life is a neverending horror show, one thing after another and it never stops.

I hate it, I just hate everything. When I try to improve something it turns out that I was too far gone and I can't take it back.

I don't stand a chance anymore, I give up.

Life is too overwhelming yet I'm even frustrated that I can't even bring myself to end my own life and honestly I don't know why.

I just want eveything to stop but It won't no matter how hard I try, nothing will stop to let me catch up.

Nights like this are the worst, where eveything is now too much and it just wont stop. The tears won't stop falling one by one down my cheek, the thoughts won't stop running through my mind, the calm never settles quickly.

I feel useless and that turns into anger. It makes me wonder how anyone could even be assosiated with me.

I'm a failure at life.

I got kicked out of education and it sounds so pathetic to people when I tell them that I 'Didn't show up' and thats why I got kicked out. How could I possibly tell them that I got kicked out because I've been bed bound when I've not been working, that I can't bring myself to get out of bed or even shower and take care of my basic nessesities. It's impossible.

Why can't I just get my life together by now? It's been 5 years so why can't I just fucking pick myself up anymore? I hate it, I hate it all.

I don't want anyone to help me, I wanna do it by myself but I just can't. I refuse help. I dont need to hear some condesending doctor ask me what triggers my 'low mood'. How do I explain to him that nothing does that, I am just permenantly like this now.

They refuse to call it depression but they also won't diagnose me with anything else until Im 18. Apparently everything that is wrong with you will magically appear as soon as you turn 18 years old.

I feel like everyone is sick of me being like this because I havent had my 'good' mood swing for a while, but believe me I want it to come around just as much as anybody else.

I am just waiting for my life to eventually make it down the drain, Im already addicted to nicotine so whats next in store for me.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, I feel like i'm waiting for a mirical that's never going to appear. I keep thinking that i've got time to mess about with my life but i'm running out now. I'm becoming an adult soon, working full time at a part time job that I was thinking of quitting from, having to pay rent and just having all the responsabilities of an adult.

I honestly feel like my life is nothing, yes i've done some fun things but when i'm in this state all I think about is how I've got no passion or drive to start a nice and fun life for myself. I want to have something that I love and am passionate about but it is nonexsistant. Yes I do love to write but I feel like all I can write about is how depressing my life is and how suicidal I am basically.

I want to be like my best friend, she looks after herself, has many responsabilities, has many hobbies and passions, has many friends from everywhere around the world. I am so proud of her and I only aspire to be like her in that way. I am jealous, I mean who wouldn't be but I don't have any negative feelings towards her for this. She worked for the life she has and she deserves every bit of it.

I blame myself, I mean who else is to blame?

I don't really have an ounce of passion in me, I take the energy from other people and use it for myself in that situation. The longer this goes on the more I have to learn about how I don't know myself or my own likes and dislikes.

Frustrating is all this is, along with many other emotions of course but frustration always overpowers the other.

Sometimes I feel like someone could look at me the wrong way and I would just break down, that's how easy it is for me to break down now.

I don't know how to get the help that I need anymore. The therapist I'm with just recomends other things to do with 'regulating' my emotions or other shitty things that don't help me whatsoever. I just want to be left alone.

I want time to recover but I can't have it.

I'm a mess, that is all I am nowaday. A dam that could break any second, just a moving body because I sure as hell don't feel like a person anymore. That was ripped away from me at some point in my miserable life.

Half the time, I feel like I just don't exsist. I mean what type of person doesn't even know herself within nearly 18 years into their life. All I do is go on social media because that's the only way I don't have to think about my horrid situataion and I just don't need to think while on there.

Frustration always takes over, blinds me from any rational feelings that still remain inside of me but althought my thoughts might be deluded a bit, the majority of it is all things I feel but am too scared to say to anyone or even myself.

It always wins, frustration takes over everytime.

I apologise if this entry is a bit of a mess, before going back and spell checking, I havent read this back whatsoever. I wont change it because this is how it processed in my head so it will stay like that. This is more of a venting entry as I didn't know how else to process everything else in my mind, I hope you guys dont mind.

Please remember that there will always be people that you can rely on and if not then you have me, I love each and every one of you. <3