The Uncontrolable Thoughts

CONFUSION

My mind is eveywhere, it's never all together anymore. The downfall that I dread eveytime has come back.

I feel nothing yet eveything at the same time, every emotion is batteling at every time of day. I am not stuck, just suffering. I am sick of this and eveything in between. I give up.

I feel left behind by eveyone passing by me. All of these people have there life together and some of them are younger than me. I feel like i haven't accomplished anything in my life, like the useless persons i am. When people ask if im okay, I have to lie and i'm so sick of lying to the people I care about. I love them by I just dont even know what to say to them.

My physical health is declining as we speak. I'm insecure about the weight that i've gained, insecure about my body. I got over that a few years ago but now i'm back to square one. I've been throwing up eveyday nearly. I can't eat because of this anymore as everything makes me sick. I hate myself once again. I can feel my arm throbbing waiting for me to damage, the already scared skin, I'm going to give in.

I should be happy, in 18 now (completly legal in my country). It changed me, facing the reality that I have lived to this age and now i'm starting to regret it. Everyone keeps moving on with there lives and yet here I am stuck in the horror of the past.

I still think about your death nana, not much cuz I still cry everytime. Eveyone has moved on but I can't, I haven't visited you in a while and i'm sorry for that. I like to believe that you are still protecting me as I speak. When ever i'm upset, i'm always guided back to the brightest star. Wherever I am the star is still there and so I pray that you are too. You missed my 18th, it hurt. It felt like putting salt into a still healing wound when I came to the realisation that I couldn't call you or get you to come round and have a hug. We should've been able to go out for a drink together but we can't. Maybe when i'm ready, i'll bring one to you.

A hug, thats all I want.

I'm scared that my best friend is moving on. Yes we are still close but she has many other friends, i know that I shouldn't be jealous but I can't help it when I know they are a better friend to her than I am. I'm so sorry, i'm sorry that i haven't noticed you struggling as well, I am sorry for not bring reliable enough for you to count on me.

I can't find a solution anymore. There is no good time to talk about this stuff to anyone. I am done, finished in the game that I refer to as life. I lived to 18 and I think that's enough for me.

Right now as i'm writing this, I dont know whether to laugh or cry and the awful state that I am in.

I dont have any joys anymore. I enjoyed college but recently I dont even want to show up. I am a huge kpop stan but I am loosing the excitment to collect, I have lost the energy to read, watch or do anything. But I dont wanna sleep, what else would I do then.

I am going to be riddled with scars again and this time my mum will see and so will new people due to an appoinment that I have. I dont know if I have the energy to care anymore.

I am sick of being confused about whats wrong with me because no one has been bothered enough to figure it out. I was on the verge of tears at work for 1.5 hours the other day just because people kept brushing past me and slightly touching me. Nobody can tell me that is normal behaviour. I hate people touching me but right now all I want is for somone to hold me in their arms and let me cry my worries away.

I am scared of what the future will bring for me. I am declining by the day, my mums health is bad and so is my other nanas. What will happen, I don't know and that is scary. I dont even know how I made it to 18 or 17 or 16. I get surprised that I am still alive every year.

Jealousy has been consuming me recently. I am jealous about eveything that my soulmate does and I hate myself for it. It's just constant, I'm jealous of her new friends, jealous of how pretty and confident she is, I am even jealous over stupid things like how nice her skin is or her hair. I have never hated myslef more than when I feel this emotion towards her. I don't want to talk to her about it because I want her to share her life with me and everything that she does but I can't control the bubbling jealousy just wishing that I had her life instead of mine.

This emotion scares me, i'm scared that I could lose my one and only bestfriend from it and that would be my last straw. That is one of the reasons I feel so guilty, she has improved my life more than anyone ever could and here I am having this bitter taste when she talks about doing anything that a normal person would do. But i'm not normal. She could be reading this and to you I am sorry. I am so sorry for harbouring these emotions towards you, I wish they could stop I really do.

I need help, if this is the feeling I will constantly have towards my one and only saviour then I don't want to live like this.

The guilt that I feel if the jealousy kicks in while im talking to her, is disgusting. It makes me want to rip myself apart, I don't deserve to be jealous over such an amazing human. I don't deserve her, I don't deserve her kindess especially with what I feel in these awful moments. I don't deserve to be happy when I think like this to the one person who has only made my life better by the minute since she entered.

I need to get better, If I want to have her with me then I need to improve but I don't know how to stop this ugly emotion. I pray to god that she understands, I hope that she understands that I dont have any hatred or even dislike towards her because of this awful emotion. I still love her more than ever but I can't stop thinking about how much I want my life to improve as much as her's seems to have.

It's times like these that I feel like I should just leave and never come back. To stop bringing everyone around me down too.