A/N: Something I kept thinking about and wanted to get out of my system. Angst, but mostly fluff. Jealous and insecure Reader because I have a weakness for that sort of thing.
As your months with Arthur had gone on, you noticed that he obsessively wrote in a journal on almost a nightly basis.You didn't mean to see them, but through some accidental glances that were bidden by curiosity, you began to see the nudes in his journal, flashing by as he turned from one page to another.You started to become insecure over a period of time as you thought about them throughout your days; they were remarkably sexual, and the women were supermodels; extremely conventionally gorgeous. It made you wonder if he thought about them, lustedafter them, more than he did you.When you questioned him about his writing one night, his head snapped up, and he slammed it shut,instantly self conscious, blushing a deep shade of red.You frowned and stroked his hair. "What is that journal for, baby?" you asked gently. You didn't want to probe any further, but you also couldn't deny that you were dying of curiosity, and wanting some closure on your insecurities.Arthur shook his head. "It's nothing," he mumbled. He shrugged, as if to ease off the weight of what he said next. "I mean, it's just some of my thoughts and stuff. My therapist gave it to me because she said writing my thoughts out would help me."You nodded, wanting to confirm to him that he could be vulnerable with you.A couple of weeks later Arthur hadn't felt like going to bed with you, and you had simple sank into bed on your own, too tired to probe or argue. You felt the tingles of insecurity torture you once more, wondering if this was already the beginning of the end.About an hour after lying down, though, you began to hear soft sobs from the living room, and you instantly rushed out of bed and headed into the living room. "Honey, what's wrong?" you cooed softly as you kneeled down in front of him, stroking his hair back gently. He was sitting in the chair and you knelt beside him, gently tracing circles against his knees. Despite your insecurities, you were going to take every opportunity to love him as much as you could until this relationship was over. You loved him, even if he didn't feel as strongly, as you treasured every time he turned to you for comfort. Arthur shook his head and tried to hide his face from you, but you took his wrists and guided his face firmly but lovingly to look at you. His eyes were red and tear streaked as he looked into yours, full of pain and emotions beyond what you could even comprehend.Arthur didn't respond. He only pushed his face into your shoulder and shook his head. You looked over at the journal page that was open, and felt your heart sink at what you saw on the page. It was simple, but very heartfelt. In three big, block words, the letters, scrawny and childlike, covering the whole page, spelled "I FEEL ALON". The last word was spelled wrong, but you knew all too well what your Arthur meant."Baby, why didn't you tell me you felt this way?" you asked softly, brushing your hand against the extremely light black stubble of his delicate face.Arthur lifted his head up and looked at you with his sad ocean eyes, leaning into your touch, but looking down as he spoke further. "Because I don't know why I feel this way." "Alone." You completed his thoughts with tender and gentle words. He dared to flick his eyes up at you curiously, eyes searching yours for answers. "I know, baby. I know it's hard. We humans need a greater purpose than the ones we've both been given." Neither of you had many friends, and you both worked abusive jobs, something you had bonded over frequently when you had first started dating.You leaned forward and pressed your lips against his nose, and he hummed into your touch softly. Your heart leapt with joy that he enjoyed your touch. "I've been feeling alone lately too, you know," you confessed, and Arthur looked up at you, the mysterious poems of his eyes that you would never fully understand searching yours."Really?" he asked softly, his voice so soft and childlike, so desperate to believe your words. You were often his guidance in life, you having taken the role of being the slightly more confident and wiser one in the relationship, him more than eager to cling onto and cherish every word and advice you gave him. You found joy in being able to provide him any gift you could grant him. As you gave, you received; such was the love you had for Arthur that it was impossible to give to him without getting more in return. Often, it was simply seeing Arthur happy that was your reward, and it was the best one you could ask for. "Really." You both being vulnerable was the best gift you could give each other, and you felt your heart thud with happiness that this night was turning out so much more differently than you expected."You could try writing in my journal?" Arthur offered. "It does help me a bit, getting my thoughts out."You smiled. You heart soared; maybe he did love you as much as you did him, to let you share such a personal bit of his life with him that was so important to him, his wellbeing, and mental health. "I would love that, baby." You then bite your lip, remembering your insecurities that had been plaguing you for weeks.Despite how much Arthur kissed you and touched you, you couldn't help but sense there was an emotional distance between you two, and you needed to address it once and for all, even though it made your heart pound with fear."But there's something I need to ask you, first."Arthur eyebrows curled up into concern, his green depths urging you to go further. You sighed heavily, and looked down at the ground, feeling small as you spoke your next words. "I noticed you have a lot of...porn in your journal," you said lamely. You then felt a twinge of guilt; Arthur was allowed to find other women attractive even when he was with you, right? Who were you to deny him pleasure?Yet you hadn't been able to shake the feeling that you weren't enough for him, that you couldn't live up to those women. Worse, you felt that if Arthur spent so much time fantasizing about them. did that mean that he would trade you for someone better, if given half the chance?Arthur's eyes glinted with understanding; he was very emotionally intelligent and perceptive, especially when it came to your emotions. His face let his entire guard down, and he brought your hands to his lips, brushing it softly."I'm sorry you had to see all that, Y/N," he mumbled against the skin of your hand. "If it makes you feel any better, ever since you came into my life, they don't really get me going anymore." He shrugged, looking so vulnerable and boyish, as if a boy being caught by his mother, and you couldn't help but smile slightly.Yet somehow, you weren't quite convinced. You need to let it out all, to speak the ugliest of your fears. "Did you....settle for me, Arthur?" you choked out, and Arthur's eyes instantly flooded with panic."No, no, baby," he cooed. "That's not it at all. I had these images before you, Y/N. That was when my life was empty. They mean nothing to me now.""I just want to know that I'm enough for you," you muttered softy. Your heart had been breaking over this more than you had let on, and now it was all breaking out like a dam outside of you. You felt a single tear roll down your cheek, which you wiped away as fast as you could,Arthur let out a small whine, absolutely loathing to see you doubt how wonderful you were for him. "Come here," he mumbled, and pulled you into his chest. You let yourself be pulled into his embrace, and felt your walls breaking down as he held your closer, rocking you back and forth in his arms. It was so rare for him to be comforting you like this, but you physically felt the kinks in your soul and relationship alike smooth out as you heaved out a burdensome sigh that you had a feeling you had been holding in for weeks. You started to bawl then, staining his sweater with your tears."I'm going to be better for you from now on," Arthur mumbled reassuringly, rocking you back and forth. "So, so much better."You tried to choke out words to reassure him that he was already perfect, perfect for you; that you were just insecure and needed to have time to accept the complexity of his mind, but the words died on your tongue.The next couple of months were full of increasingly deeper intimacy between you two. You both decide to spilt the journal on two sides; thirty pages for Arthur, thirty pages for you.The hospital journal is fairly thin, so you two burn through it fast, both having plenty of observations and inner pain to bleed out onto the pages.You quickly ended up buying a new one at least every two weeks, just a cheap fifty cent one at the drug store.At first, neither of you read the others' side. You two had only started dating a few months ago, and neither of you wanted to cross each other's boundaries.But one night, when Arthur was having a particular bad time, he ended up looking through your pages. He found himself instantly cheered up at what he read. Your soul was so good for him and made him feel so alive.Since you two shared as similar sense of humor, he felt himself laughing out loud at a lot of what you wrote.He did feel guilty, though, going through it without your permission. To let you know in his own quirky way that he went through your writing, he put shaky smiley faces near every word or thought that made him smile or laugh.When you went to the journal later to write through the last few pages on your side, you saw the smiley faces in the shaky and eccentric matter that only Arthur could achieve. You felt yourself absolutely beaming at his smiley faces, feeling surprisingly comforted that he went through your writing and found solace in it. It meant he valued you, that you were enough for him."Arthur, did you go through my writing last night?" you questioned lightly the next morning.Arthur blushed deeply. "Y/N, I'm sorry, I didn't-""Its ok," you said gently, and wrapped your arms around his waist reassuringly. "I'm not mad." You stroked a curl out of his face. "Did it make you feel better?"Arthur let out a small, shy smile, and then an even shyer, "Yeah."You smiled back, tears reaching your eyes. "Then that makes my writing worth more than anything I could have imagined, darling."Arthur smiled, his crooked teeth sticking out, the smilie reaching his eyes sweetly. He pulled you into an embrace.From then forward, you both started reading each other's thoughts and writing in it on the regular, sometimes leaving your own comment or drawing next to a statement as a form of connection or commentary.If Arthur wrote something about about a rude man shoving him on the bus, you'd leave a small frowny face and then a heart, a simple writing of "I love you" next to the venting.Similarly, he would often write simple lines or adorable jokes next to your own venting, often relating to your disappointments with life in some way.You would sometimes give him small snippets of advice in the column when he was confused or had lost his way.These journals made it so that there was no more miscommunication between the two of you. Those weeks that you had spent being insecure with your unspoken thoughts were no longer a problem; if either of you had a problem or a thought you felt you couldn't speak out loud, you would write it on your side of the journal, knowing the other would read it soon.As the two of you continued to fall deeper in love, the commentary on each other's writing only grew, until you were both writing your thoughts on the same page, symbolizing how deeper and more intimate you were becoming with each other, understanding and accepting each other's every thought, no matter how dark.This continued, until one night you came across one of Arthur's scrawled drawings. It was a tentacle looking monster, just a mesh of scribbles mostly, as most of Arthur's drawings were. Most interestingly, though, It was holding in one of its upmost tentacles a screaming stick woman, her face in a horrid grimace. She looked uncomfortable and terrorized, clearly being forced to be in the monster's arms.A simple written side comment wasn't going to ease your curiosity with this one. You took the journal and went into the bedroom, and sat down next to Arthur on the bed, who was engulfed into some old war movie."What's wrong?" Arthur questioned, slightly distracted as his eyes watched the movie. He had a knack for getting sucked into stories easily; it helped him forget about his own life a bit. You cherished this trait about him, finding it precious how excited he got about a new movie or a storybook when you brought one home."I just want to know what this is," you started, and, after a moment, Arthur, pulling his eyes from the screen like they were glued to it, looked down at the drawing. You could see through the flash in his eyes that he hadn't been expecting you to ask him about it in person.Arthur shrugged. "It's just...a character," he said awkwardly, the emotions in his eyes not matching the casualty in his words. He then dragged his eyes back to the television, clearly trying to drop the subject.You knew his mind better than that. You shook your head, and then tried again. "Arthur, is the monster supposed to be you choking me?"Arthur's face freezed up, and he didn't take his eyes off the television screen as he spoke his next words, choosing them carefully."Yeah. The monster is me, and you're the pretty girl forced to be with it," he mumbled softly. You could tell he was trying to remain casual. He then crossed his arms, as if to shield himself from his emotions. "Don't worry about it, Y/N, it was just a stupid little vent drawing I did." You frowned, and took the remote and muted the television. "Hey!" Arthur yipped, and he lunged for the controller. You swiped it out of his reach, and Arthur groaned and put his face in your lap, out of ideas of how to avoid the subject.You stroked his brown oceans curls softly, thinking over what he had said. "Sweetheart, you do know your the best thing that's ever happened to me, right?"Arthur moved his head slowly from side to side in response."Well, you are. You're the farthest thing from a monster, baby. And I need you to know that."Arthur kept his face in your lap for a moment, then slowly lifted his head and looked at you with his red rimmed eyes. You stroked his cheek, gently, and he hummed into it. He looked so breakable, so soft that it made you choke. He was an angel; there was no other way to describe him. You couldn't let him go around feeling this way."I keep upsetting you, though, Y/N," Arthur said in his soft baby voice that he only used when he was truly upset. "I made you cry a little while ago over my porn. Who does that to their girlfriend?""Arthur, that was before you knew me. And you apologized so sweetly. Don't worry about me, sweetheart. You do so much more for me than you realize."Arthur smiled a shy smile at you. "You mean that?""Absolutely, one hundred percent." You returned the smile, and continued cradled his face in your hands softly. Arthur was practically purring at your touch. "I think we could both use a journaling session now," you hummed softly.Arthur chuckled and buried his face into your thighs. You laughed a bit yourself and continued to stroke his romantic waves, knowing that it was inevitable for you two to only become closer, even through the doubts you both held about yourselves.
YOU ARE READING
Arthur Fleck Archive, 2019
FanfictionA series of romantic one-shots concerning Arthur Fleck.
