Summary: You and Arthur are spending your first Christmas together. When he catches sight of a certain toy, it triggers more inside of him than either of you expect. Smut and angst.Warnings: Brief mentions of child abuse. Smut.A/N: I seriously did not mean for this request to come out this long. Congratulations if you get through this lmao. No pressure for feedback, but it is very appreciated.Length: 11,154"Sweetheart!" you called across the hall as you cracked the door open. "C'mon, we're going to miss it!""Coming!" Arthur shouted from the bedroom, then approximately three minutes later come out bouncing up and down clumsily, pulling his pants up both legs as he rushed across the hallway, just barely managing to finish buttoning up the fabric around the waist as he came by your side. You laughed, brushing the hair out of his face. It had been one of those afternoons where you had both wanted to do something, but couldn't get out of each others' warm embrace for anything, both of you being too addicted to simply cuddling under the sheets and sharing in each others' vehemence and company. The night had gone on as gentle conversations and each other's sweet, comforting hot breath on one another pulled you through the hours of the afternoon that occurred after work. You both had whispered to each other excitedly and benignantly everything that you wanted to say that you had been waiting to tell each other all day.Arthur pecked your lips excitedly, then bounded out of the open creak of the door like an exhilarated dog. You smiled softly and left the apartment, feeling a glow inside your chest. This was your first Christmas with Arthur, and, by the way he was acting, you would think it was Arthur's first Christmas in general. Ever since last week had he been acting a little more upbeat and giddy than usual. It was about right after you had brought home decorations, casually thinking it would be nice to have a few holiday wreaths around the walls of your apartment, or a mini santa on the table, since both of you worked such long, dreary days. When you came home with a bag full of the items, Arthur had gotten up from the couch to greet you, hair messy, baggy slacks and clothes hanging off of him. He must have gotten home before you, for once. He came up to you and pressed his lips deeply to yours, letting out a soft hum at your touch, having missed it all day."How was your day?" He asked gently, brushing some of the hair out of your face."It was terrible," you said bluntly, and Arthur looked at you concerned for a moment, until he saw you smirk. He let out his own smirk, the two of you understanding that each shitty day was often the same as the last. Arthur pressed his lips to your forehead as a way of comfort, then took the plastic bag from your fingers as a way to take some of the load off of you. "What's this?" he questioned, opening it and fidgeting around with items. At the sight of them Arthur's eyes instantly lit up like a child, and his he let out a happy chuckle."Y/N, what's this?" he said, already picking up an ecstatic air just at the sight of them, clearly already knowing what it was. What he really wanted to know was why. He couldn't remember the last time he had celebrated any holiday. When his mom had been around, she had often been in her own world, and Arthur had always been too bogged down by work and fighting his mental health issues to give much of a damn. Holidays had just fell off into the haze of his life, into the white noise of the background of all the other endless chaos that occurred in Gotham. He would walk past decorated stores of turkeys, santas, skeletons, and the like as the months went on, but he would only stare at them blankly the first few times, only feeling a small tug of longing, his childlike spirit not being able to resist longing for the joy he wished he could feel at that time, then shook his head inwardly and kept trudging along, his mind lost in a bogged, foggy haze as he went step by step up to his apartment, the walk up alone being more than his tired bones could take."It's for you," you said tenderly, already feeling a warmth spreading through you at his reaction. You could see the life come into his eyes in a way that it hadn't in a good couple of weeks. "Well, for us, technically." You went up and kissed his cheek, which he leaned into as his smile grew bigger. "I thought you deserved to have some holiday fun in your life." Arthur had picked up the santa and was admiring it like it was the best thing that had ever graced his life. Your heart melted at how beautifully simple Arthur was; one little thing would bright up his whole life in such a pure way that was rare amongst adults, especially in Gotham. One little rerun of the Murray show, one little cuddle session with you at the end of a long day, one little santa to grace his home, and he would be beaming for the rest of the night. He was so damn easy to please that it almost made your heart break, knowing that it reflected of what he had been deprived of his whole life; Comfort. Love. Togetherness. Happiness. Arthur embraced you in his arms and buried his face into your hair, a gentle "thank you" escaping from his lips. Your face was buried in his warm shoulder, and, taking the collar of his thin shirt down so that it showed his shoulder, you bite his skin gently, not being able to resist him anymore. Arthur tasted of a sleepy energy that was heavenly to your lips, smelling like the cigarettes and his dollar two ninety nine cent cologne that smelled of him and him alone."Oh, Arthur," you whispered into his skin, two shy tears spilling from your eyes. "You're sowelcome."The rest of the night had been about scrapping together what you could for dinner, hanging up the wreaths up on the corners of the walls, and then snuggling together on the couch excitingly, you lying on top of Arthur, warm sheets and fleece blankets from the bed covering both of your warm and naked bodies. "Is there anything else you want to try for Christmas?" you inquired as you caresses his beaming face, his crooked teeth gleaming wildly. You two were both in a giggly mood. Christmas music was droning on in the background softly from the old radio, accompanying you both in the mood of the cozy and sleepiness of the afternoon. There seemed to be a romantic, rosy tinted haze over the tender affectionate atmosphere of the apartment that night. Had you owned a fireplace, it would have been ablaze with a warm fire, which you two discussed until Arthur remembered his apartment had no fire place. As it turned out, the comforting embrace of your heated bodies and the passion between you two was far more comforting and warm than a fire anyway.Arthur thought for a moment, kissing your palms gently as he considered what he wanted while looking into your eyes. "Mmm," he hummed into your skin, "What about those...what are they called.." His eyebrows furrowed into an adorable concentration, and he let out a huff as he struggled to remember. "What about those toy things...those things that go up and down and chew..nuts?""Baby," you laughed out the word. "Do you mean nutcrackers?"Arthur's eye lit up in recognition, and he let out his own deep raspy laugh. "Yeah, those!" You shook your head, and nuzzled his nose with your gently, which he returned eagerly. "How on earth have you gone this long without having your own Christmas?" you muttered softly, hoping the words weren't coming out the wrong way. You were only saddened that he had been deprived of simple celebrations throughout his life, especially when he seemed like the kind of person that would enjoy them so much."I don't know," Arthur mumbled shyly. He thought for a minute. "My and Ma were always too busy, and I don't have a lot of memories from childhood, most of it is...blacked out." His expression was losing that carefree, childlike glee, and was being replaced with his usual more heavy and worn down look. You cooed in sympathy, and began kissing every inch of his face, starting from his forehead and down to his chin. Of course Arthur wouldn't remember the majority of his childhood, you thought grimly. His brain had blocked out the majority of the trauma. You didn't know the full extent of it, but, having been to many of Arthur's therapy sessions and having even read a few of the therapists' notes (which she reluctantly granted upon your request), did you piece together that he was not raised or treated the way any child should have been."Yes, Arthur," you whispered softly between kisses and gently covered him in tender, nibbling kisses that he was currently squirming to with sheer happiness, melting into his sweater. The smallest touch from you was his weakness-the same went for you at his touch. "This weekend we can get you something for Christmas."That was how you ended up where you were now, on a cloudy, snowy Saturday, early afternoon, a bouncing and giggly Arthur a few steps ahead of you. It was a miracle you had both gotten the day off even on a weekend, and you planned on using it to the fullest of your ability. He engulfed you into his embrace as you both entered the elevator, and you could feel the excitement in his body as he squeezed you against him. You felt a twinge of nerves, but you knew it was only because you wanted tonight to be perfect for him.You were sitting on the train within fifteen minutes, Arthur beaming like someone who had never left the house his whole life. He was wearing his usual dull grey, button up sweater, with his brown hoodie pulled over it. You felt a tinge of sadness as you realized you wouldn't be able to get this man everything he deserved tonight. You could just barely manage a hundred dollars total for the night, and you knew how expensive Christmas trees and Christmas things in general could be around this time. You wanted to buy him everything; new clothes, funny items to make him laugh, an item that he could always have to hold when he needed you-fuck it, just everything. You knew items weren't everything in life, but Arthur already had so little (you had pieced together that he owned about five shirts, three sweaters, and three slacks total), that you would give anything just to be able to spoil him."Hey," Arthur had broken you out of your thoughts, his endearingly slow and drawl voice instantly enticing you. leaning his head against your shoulder. His turquoise eyes were striking into yours, instantly breaking you out of your thoughts the way they did. He did a knowing, playful smirk when you looked down at his curiously. "Are you ok?"You thought for a moment, knowing he could read you far better than you wanted to admit sometimes. You decided to answer honestly, having no energy for a fake disposition. "I'm just worried that tonight won't be deserving of you." Arthur scoffed, then did a playful pouty face at you, mocking your displeasure lovingly. "I'm just happy to be with you," he mumbled, though he said it shyly and uncertain. "It's not about the gifts, Y/N, so don't worry about it."You smiled, and then kissed the top of his head. "I know. I love you."Arthur snuggled into you closer. "I love you too."Your heart did a leap of joy, and then you tilted your head to meet his warms, melting into each other deeply. His head remained rested on your shoulder for the rest of the bus ride, entwining his fingers within yours, fingers overlapping into each other like they were made to come together. With a rush of warmth were you reminded that this would all be worth it, as long as he was happy. As soon as you entered the Gotham mall, the lights and decorations greeted you both without mercy. There was a twenty foot Christmas tree towering all the way to the ceiling, life sized trains circling the entirely of the mall, a Santa sitting in a large and red throne. There were children everywhere, and massive Christmas present props sitting all over the floor. Giant plastic bells dangled from the ceiling. You and Arthur's hands hadn't left the embrace of the other since the train, and you felt his palms shaking with excitement and anticipation as he held his hand closer into yours.Arthur couldn't believe his eyes; thought he had always seen small little window decorations here and there, small santas and little signs counting down to Christmas in the grimy windows of drug stores, never did he once imagine that there could be such grandiose decorations, such life and happiness over one simple day. He let out one of the most genuine laughs you had ever heard him give in his life, and you squeezed his hand gently in a silent congratulations, beaming and tearing up yourself at how much you wanted to heal him as much as you were able, to give him as much as you could."Come on, baby," you said excitedly as you pulled him closer to you. 'There's even more than this."Arthur's eyes widened so big that that you thought they would burst out of his skull. Starting to feel like an excited child yourself from his energy and excitement, you rushed him through the crowd of parents, children, teenage couples and the like, and rounded him around the corner to the giant holiday store-a store in the mall that was only in business during holiday season, being decorated according to whatever month it was, then shutting down during the summer.This store may as well the center point of where Christmas manifested, it was so grand. It was a magnificent work of art in its very structure, its entrance going all the way up to the ceiling, which was at least half the size of a five story building in Gotham. There were two twenty foot nutcrackers "guarding" the doorway, and it led to a red walled warehouse looking room, full of shelves, toys, countertops, candy, Christmas trees, and everything in between.Arthur's mouth may as well had been on the floor like a cartoon. You laughed wholeheartedly at his expression. You went over and kissed the shock off his face tenderly. Once on his nose, twice on both cheeks, one long kiss on his forehead. You felt his shock gradually melting under your touch. He came back to himself, but was clearly still overwhelmed. You felt his hot breath on your face, and you felt your legs turn to jelly as you thought about how much you loved him, how much his happiness and wellbeing was now intertwined with yours. You let out a shuttering breath as you pulled your arms around his neck and looked into his soft eyes, gentle oceans of endless wonder that made you remember why this life had all been worth it, why he had been worth the long wait. To not only fall in love with this incredibly rare and soft man, but to finally come into his damaged shell of torment and breath the life he deserved into him, a purpose more fulfilling and promising than anything you could have dreamed of yourself.Arthur's eyes had a film of tears over them, and as you looked deeper into his eyes, you felt your own heart shatter as it sank in how much this really meant to him. Under his exterior layer of an unconventional but handsome face, underneath the luscious brown hair that you stroked your fingers through every night, underneath the gritty clothes, his disabilities and his laughing condition, underneath the man who loved being a clown and dancing step by step to the music in his soul, was just a sad and abandoned child. The tormented and abandoned part of him was and always would be apart of him. That damaged part of him was at the core of who he was, which maybe was the reason why he carried himself and acted like a worn down child, something you had fallen in love with deeper and deeper over time, but your throat closed when you remembered why he was that way. The rest of himself had grown around the twisted, broken core of the broken child like weeds around a flower. They kept that core safe, protected from the world and from further mistreatment, and those weeds helped him fit into what society expected him to be. But no matter how much of a grown man he looked, he was still that broken and lost child, having what was supposed to be the most pure and essential parts of his development taken away from him, robbed from him-a father's love, a stable home, holidays, carefreeness, and happiness alike. The fact that he had been able to take care of his mom for so many years, that he had taken the burden upon his back to overcome what life had robbed from him and was strong enough to ignore it, shove it away into a corner, to not consider it beyond the subconscious, though it would always etch out of his soul like unwelcomed cracks, and to instead take upon other peoples' burdens as well, taking care of and loving his mother like she was a child when he was still very much a child himself, and a very broken and lost one at that, was unfathomable. That was, perhaps, the greatest tragedy of the man that you had fallen in love with; that he had grown like a twisted and deformed plant, confused and unhealthy in many places and dark corners growing where there was meant to be life and clarity, and, most importantly, an emptiness in him that formed from which had been robbed from him the most-love.As you swallowed a small lump in your throat and brushed back one of his stray curls with the most considerate and gentlest of touches, his eyes searched yours. He, somehow, knew exactly what you were thinking. He could see you seeing him. You two held conversations with your eyes, unspoken words transmitting themselves between you two. With anyone else in the man's life would he had been embarrassed at his heavy emotional reaction to the Christmas store, would have had to hide it or take the usual tactic of "laughing" it off. feeling pathetic as a grown man that he melted like a four year old and the things that most adults had grown out of before the age of fifteen. But he knew you saw him, you understood him, deeper than anyone he could have ever expected to understand him in his life. Arthur brought his worn hands up to cup your face and brushed his lips every so softly against yours, the warmth of them making your knees week and you very body let out its own sighs of relief via goosebumps, as if your whole weary body had been waiting its whole life for this man's touch and intimacy, and you both felt a weight fall off of you, as if the universe itself was letting out a sigh of relief that the two of you had finally found and were healing the other in your own ways. The kiss lasted for at least a minute, no shifting of the lips, no tongues, just a simple, long and deep kiss, starved skin upon starved skin, the only remedy being the other.You considered him further as he broke his lips away and stared at you with those soft, gentle and naive eyes, a tear of two having fell from them while he had kissed you. You kissed them both off of the sides of his cheeks ever so gently, as if he was glass that would shatter if you pressed too hard. Despite the recognition of all of his flaws, damages, and dark places, you thought him only the more beautiful for it. You fell more in love with him every time he came home with his weighted shoulders and his head down, curly hair in front of his worn and tired face. Every time he had laughing fit, you fell in love with how beautifully and tragically broken he was. It was a contradiction; you would give anything to heal him from the injustice done to him in his life, and yet, you wouldn't change one scar on his soul, wouldn't change a hair on his head if given the chance, not one crooked tooth in his mouth. You loved him for everything he was, and the darkness and the hurt of him was what made you feel so intertwined with this man, that you felt as if you would choke at the thought of no longer being with him, life taking you from the inside out and being nothing but black. You were too far gone with Arthur; you knew it wasn't normal to be this in love with someone, this in debt to someone you didn't owe anything to, but it felt so right that you couldn't believe it to be wrong.You didn't know how he felt about you entirely, but you could tell by the way he clung onto you, the way he spoke to you coming home into your apartment in his softest and most considerate voice when he asked about your day, the way he watched you as you slept when he thought you weren't aware, the way his eyes searched yours for answers and strength whenever he needed answers he had questions to, the way he brushed his hands against your body whenever he got the chance, the way he bounded to the door whenever you came home after a long day without each others' touch, the way he made love to you like you were the most precious thing in the world, as if one move wrong would ruin everything good in his life, did you piece together that maybe he loved you just as deeply.You didn't notice, nor cared, about the looks that stumbling, grumpy citizens with their children gave you as they walked into the store front. You two were only a few feet in the store, your embrace almost looking like some unwelcomed mascots for the building. Neither of you could give a damn. Those people didn't understand how lost you were in this mans' soul, how one moment with him gave you more than richness than with any of them combined.It was truly frightening how much you had grown to need this man, yet you knew that if you could change it, you wouldn't, not even for a moment.The emotionally intelligent softness of his voice broke you out of your trance so deep that you felt like one moment with him was a loss of time, an eternity."Sweetheart," he mummered, you almost not being able to hear him amongst the loud noises of the toy trains, screaming kids, and blaring Christmas music. "What now?"You smiled, the warmest and most genuine smile that you had smiled in a long time. "It's up to you, darling." You turned and indicated towards the whole store, making your point that Arthur was the one in charge of the decisions tonight. "Mmm, I dunno," Arthur looked at the ground, blushing almost as red as one of the apple red orbs that hung on the giant Christmas tree. He was becoming boyish and shy, not used to being able to go wherever he wanted, or being able to lead and have his opinion valued, not even for something as simple as Christmas shopping. "Alright, I'll give you a prompt," you laughed gently, taking the warmth of his hand and caressing the inside of his palm. "Toys or clothes?" Personally, you loved the idea of buying him some new clothes. You saw a rack of ugly Christmas sweaters only a few feet away."Clothes?" you offered. Arthur gave you his default lost puppy look for a moment-he seemed like he was always vaguely lost-and then gave you the smallest of nods. He looked nervous, and you let our a gentle sigh of love and you led him through the store."Alright," you said in a playfully business like manner once you were in front of the sweaters, shifting through them persistently but carefully, trying to see which ones would be the most comfortable for him. Arthur wrapped his arms around your waist from behind you and rested his chin on your shoulder, kissing your clothed shoulder softly as he watched you like he was taking a class. Had this man never gone clothes shopping?You shifted through the sweaters, most of them itchy and ugly, or just plain unnecessarily heavy, having giant stuffed reindeers and snowmen sewed into the front."Let me know if you see anything you like," you offered to Arthur, as your continued to shift your way through the clothes. "Ok," Arthur responded in his soft, childlike voice.After a few more seconds of shifting between clothes, did you find a warm and thick, and practical, bright red sweater. Something he could actually wear to work, wear out to get groceries. You felt Arthur's lips smiling against the back of your head where he had been kissing your hair softly as you had shifted through the clothes. You could tell he was focusing on your scent and on kissing you softly, memorizing every detail of your company so he could remember it when you were too busy to be together like this. You were pretty sure he has stopped paying attention about the clothes once he realized it wasn't as fun as you may had thought it would be for him. Toys next, you thought determinedly. You wanted to get him things he could use daily to care for him, but you also wanted him to have some goddamn fun. His whole life revolved around work. He deserved to remember what being carefree felt like again, to feel good feelings outside of your embrace. 'I like this one," you said aloud, trying to get him to pay attention. Arthur's lips moved from the back of your head to the back to your shoulders as he gaze at it. You could tell he was smiling. "Me too!" he said a little too loudly, though it wasn't too much of a problem with the noise that surrounded you both. He let out a genuine laugh that made your heart melt, and unwrapped his arms from your wait and pulled it over his head.Oh fuck, Arthur in red was to die for. You felt yourself inwardly swoon as he checked himself out in the nearby mirror, sweeping his curls back that had fallen into is face. It made his high cheekbones stand out, and showed how his black eyelashes contrasted against the beautiful pale tone of his face. You could tell he didn't know what to make of it; he stared at himself in the mirror with a bank expression, moved his arms a little to try and feel his way through it. "Baby, you looked so handsome," you said with some awe, wrapping your arounds around his waist. You kissed the nape of his neck gently. "Is it comfortable?""Mmhm," Arthur hummed softly, still studying himself in the mirror. "Fits nice, doesn't scratch." He rubbed his wrists boyishly, the sleeves going slightly past his wrists.. "It's really warm." He then looked at you through the mirror, letting a small smile grace his handsome features as he looked at you."Perfect!" you beamed, genuinely happy you had worked at least one thing out. You looked at the price tag, and wasn't surprised at the fifty dollar number that glared at you mercilessly through the white of the tag. You paid it no mind; Arthur deserved a high quality sweater in his life, one that would keep him safe and warm when you couldn't. You hadn't bought him as nearly as many things as you felt you should as his girlfriend that was madly in love with him. You wanted to care for him, dammit. You needed to show him besides words how much you wanted him to do well and how much you loved him.Arthur turned to you, his eyes asking you what he was meant to do next. "There's some nutcrackers over on the shelves," you offered gently. "Toys, trains, stuffed animals, santas. Do you want to see?"Arthur's toothy grin was all you needed to know that the answer was a resounding yes. You took his hand in yours again. You kissed him on the tip of his nose and carried him through the clothes and over to the toy section, giant teddy bears with candy candles greeting you. Arthur let go of your hand, falling behind you slightly, simply wanting to go at his own pace and take in every detail of what was greeting him.You found yourself lost amongst the store yourself, taking in all the endless toys of things you didn't even know existed. You saw so many things you knew Arthur would like; stuffed toys of all variety that you could take home as use as a playful joke between you two. Your heart leapt to your throat in excitement as you saw a clown dressed as a santa."Arthur, baby-" you cut off as you realized he was nowhere in sight. Fear overtook you, and you instantly hated yourself for not watching over him better. Yes, he could take care of himself. But he was so fragile and vulnerable, you should have known better than to let him let go of your hand for even a moment. "Arthur?" you called out, your voice being drowned amongst the noises of the store. "Arthur!"With shaking limbs did you tear your eyes away from the clown toy,, and began to make your way through the toy section. You wanted to keep calling for him, but there were so many people around you, and you didn't want to embarrass him by calling out to him like he was a child. Your heart was thudding in your chest with pounding nerves, and you tried to control your panicked breathing as you swept your way through the crowd. You were mainly worried about some ill meaning man finding him, knowing that Arthur didn't handle those interactions well. You made your way through nutcrackers, ballerinas, santas, polar bears-until finally you saw in the farthest back corner of the store that familiar golden brown hoodie in the back corner, having picked up a regular, plain brown bear that seemed as forgotten by the store as the man who was holding it. He looked so out of place compared to the rest of the modern, happy and glistening store. He had that lost, spaced out look on his face, staring at the bear like it was talking to him."Arthur!" you whispered softly, and he broke out of his trace and looked up at you, smiling a sad smile. "Baby, please don't scare me like that. I didn't know where you went." You were still sweating and shaking, and tried to calm your breathing as you wrapped him in your embrace and kissed his cheek softly. "Sorry," he mumbled, though he still seemed lost in a trance, leaning into your kiss but continuing to stare at the bear. A familiar noise of a tormented chuckle came out of his lips, and he suppressed it by quickly putting his other hand over his mouth. But with another shuddering breath did he begin to feel another fit of laughter come out of him, and he began to cackle manically, no humor in his eyes. Just a burning pain.You caressed his back, and brought his face into your chest, your usual routine for whenever he had a fit in public to keep him as hidden as possible while he was in this state. He brought his arms around you, bear still in his hands, and tried his best to muffle his laughter into into your skin."Shhh, honey, its ok," you cooed at him gently as you let the cackles emit from his mouth. Even having his face buried in your neck did several people give you both very pointed, angry looks. You ignored them; your only concern was Arthur being ok.You only continued to stroke and caress his back until his dark laughter began to die down, until it was only a few fits of giggles and an occasional loud outburst. Finally, he was done, though he didn't lift his head from your neck. "Was this because I seemed upset telling you not to scare me like that?" you inquired softy, using your gentlest of voices, not wanting to upset him even more than he already was."No,' Arthur whispered into your neck, his voice heavy and rapsy, so fragile that it felt like it could be destroyed with one touch. "It's the bear.""The bear?" you asked. The world around you was melting, the sounds fading out, leaving nothing but you and the man you loved"Mmhmm," he said heavily, sounding like a sad child. He lifted his head from your skin, and there was red blotches and tears all over his face from how hard he bad been laughing. Your let out a gentle coo of empathy and used the end of your sleeve to clean him up, and he nuzzled his face into your warm touch lovingly but with a slight cold detachment."Why did the bear upset you?" you inquired further. You wanted to know him more, to understand him. You just wanted to help him as much as you possibly could.Arthur let out a small sniff, then took both of your hands and cradled the bear between the the surface of both of your hands as he looked down at it. As safe as Arthur was with you, there were certain parts of him that were still too dark that he couldn't say them out loud easily. But he would try, for you. Because he knew you only wanted the best for him, and loved him unconditionally, despite his doubts that sometimes told him otherwise."When I was a little boy, my mom's boyfriend took my bear away," he mumbled, his beautiful black eyelashes covering his thoughtful, pained green seas. "He said I had to be a man-that I had to be a 'good little boy'." He shuddered, and you felt yourself shivering with him. You wanted to caress his face and led him to look up at you, but you also didn't want to interrupt the gentle vulnerability that seemed to have a fragile presence laying in front of you, as breakable as a butterfly's wing. "And thats-thats all I can remember" he said in his sad, lost voice. "He took it from me, and then he..." he trailed off, not being able to speak it out loud.That was not, however, all Arthur could remember. Not in the slightest. He saw the visions in black spots of his mind and miniature, entirely unwanted episodes. Slap. A pressure.Pain.You be a good little boy, Arthur. A hand striking skin. A wail from Arthur. Soulless eyes staring back at him. Bruises. You shouldn't have that, Arthur. You're not a weak cunt, are you? You're a man, Arthur.Hit.Bruise.Hit.Ropes. Being tied.A device against the wall. Pressure on his skull.. Knees. Hands.Everywhere.Hit.Bruise.Slap.You won't be seeing this thing again, Arthur.Arthur was so lost in his memories that he didn't notice the tears falling from his eyes, his face soaked. He had had his fit, now tears were the only way for his tired body to express himself or to express or release his torment. Still he let out a twisted cackle, and you felt yourself falling into despair with him-you were tied to his emotions, and it took all you could not to fall into darkness with him.But no, you needed to be strong. Needed to fight it. For him."Sweetheart," you said between your own tear soaked face. You tried to wipe his tears away, but there were too many. "Let's get out of this corner, ok?"Arthur made no response. He seemed to have frozen. He was cradling and caressing his hands in yours, but seemed only to stare at them with empty eyes, his face frozen in a sort of permanent shock, as if he had been stricken.You relaxed your grip from his hands and took the bear into your own hands, taking the frozen cardboard of a man and leading him away from the corner. His feet dragged, and he didn't change his expression or his disposition, as if he himself was one of the lifeless Christmas toys. "Baby, I need you to come back to me," you muttered, bring his face into your hands. You caressed and stroked his face as gently as you could possibly manage. Ever so gently did Arthur raise his eyes up to yours, the first real movement he had shown in minutes.Seeing your own pained, tear stained face snapped him out of his trace slightly. He let out a sympathetic coo and brought you into his embrace, as if he was comforting you. Your felt a black cold go through your body as you felt your love for the man turn into a sickening pain. It was unfair how loving and gentle he always was towards you, even when he was going through horrible traumas that no individual should ever have to ensure. He always put you first, and it only broke your heart even further. You wanted to do everything for him, to make up for a lifetime of neglect and abuse that he had suffered throughout his entire life. But you were only one person, and you could only do so much. Every time that you looked at him your heart broke, both from how you knew you could never give him everything he needed to fully heal, and also just at how painfully pure and beautiful he was. Your heart clutched in admiration and something deeper than love as you marveled at the miracle that he had made it this far in life at all.You let out a shaky, pained breath, trying to keep your own pain at bay so you could be there for him. This was about his pain, not the secondhand pain you acquired from him. You gently caresses his back, as slowly and as gently as you could, trying to ignore the frustration that you felt that this was all you could offer him."Arthur," you mutter into his ear ever so softly. You meant to continue, but the words caught in your throat. At his name being spoken alone did Arthur raise his head from your shoulder and looked into your eyes. There was a tragic deep sadness on his face, so deep and so broken that you knew not even the grandest gesture you could give the man would heal him tonight. If ever. "Honey," you choked out in a broken voice, taking his face in yours, and he instantly leaned the entire weight of his face into your palm, and closed his eyes as if he had just finished fighting some fight. You hummed and kissed his eyebrows softly, going by inch across his temple, and then whispered softly, "Is there anything I can do?"Arthur let out a soft broken whimper in response, eye knitted in painful thought despite your kisses. The hard layer of of trauma had overcome him, separating you from being able to get him to melt into the warm places of your soul that he usually did whenever he needed you.Arthur then whispered something that was so soft, so shy and so uncertain that despite all of your attention being on him, you couldn't for the life of you hear what he said, and you only observed a gentle flutter of moving, soft lips. "What was that, angel?" you cooed in the softest voice, using the most gentle gestures and tone of voice you could possibly muster, feeling as if you were talking to a sad child on the verge of death. "I'd like the bear," he whispered a little louder, still so soft and broken, but audible this time. His long black eyelashes then lifted up, and his green oceans of pain looked into your eyes, becoming your Arthur once more, still broken and irredeemably sad and lost, but coming back slowly but surely, your warmth chipping away at the damage in his soul."Okay," you whisper back, your voice becoming just as soft as his, as if you were both speaking the same language through tone alone. There were so many things being left unsaid, but you had learned a long time ago that your relationship with Arthur needed just as many things unspoken as spoken. There were too many hurts in the man that went too deep to be spoken aloud, too deep to be understood. You did understand that it wasn't really about the bear. It was about his endless hurt, about what had been taking away from him as a child, that even the simplest comforts like a stuffed bear were taken away from him at such a young age, and brutally at that. You couldn't quite understand why he wanted a piece from his childhood that reminded him of such suffering, but then again, you mused, maybe he could never stop thinking about it in the first place, even if it was just subconsciously. The trauma of his past was a part of him, and it was his right to reclaim whatever pleasure he had lost as a child in any way he could. You could allow him that much.The rest of the night at the mall was much more solemn and quiet than the previous first half of the night had been. Arthur did not speak one word after you granted him permission to have the bear. He seemed better, smiling and returning your gentle kisses with his usual enthusiasm again, especially as you waited in the long line, his legs bouncing the entire wait. He listened to your small talk comments with his usual adoration, loving the sound of your voice, the warmth and naive childlike happiness in his eyes that made you weak in the knees returning into their full glow.But you could read him better than he knew, and you could see how his shoulders still seemed weighed down, how his eyes were tearing up when he thought you weren't looking. You knew you would have to talk to him when you got back to your apartment. You linked your arms in his as you walked back to the train. Arthur seemed exhausted, though you knew it wasn't because of your long night out. He rested his head fully on your shoulder as soon as you both sat down on the train, pulling his arms around you and staring at the bear in his lap with gentle curiosity, the wrinkles on the edges of his eyes slightly deepening when he half smiled to himself in thought. After a moment, he hesitantly lifted his face off of your shoulder and kissed your cheek ever so softly, shyly and full of doubt, as if he thought you would turn away. Instead, you leaned into it wholeheartedly, letting out a audible content hum of happiness to let him know how much his touches meant to you."Are you embarrassed?" he asked in his gentle, raspy voice. "What?" Arthur adjusted himself and lifted himself up next to you, then stroked your hair gently. "Its fine you are," he said, sadness tracing his words. "I know I wasn't...good tonight." You saw his throat convulse slightly, and you kissed him gently before you spoke, knowing that one touch of yours equaled a thousand words."Sweetheart," you choke out the words, it becoming increasingly harder to fight the lump in your throat. "It hurts how much you don't know that I love you, you know that?" Arthur's watery eyes searched yours, the otherworldly lostness of them an odd combination with his rustic and sleepy eye bags. "When we get home, I want to show you just how much I love you-I might not be able to show you entirely tonight, but dammit if I won't try. Darling," you felt tears overcome your eyes for the countless time that day, "Please know that I could never be ashamed of you. You-" you leaned your face against his gently, and he continued looking into your eyes with considerable curiosity, fascinated by how overwhelmed with emotion you became over someone like him-"are everythingI could have ever hoped for and wanted. Please believe that much. There's nothing you could ever do to make me not love you. I will never be ashamed of you, or embarrassed. I promise you."Arthur let our a sloppy side grin, then nuzzled into your nose further. "You promise?" he softly asked, and the fragile tenderness of his voice alone almost made you want to orgasm."I absolutely promise, Mister Arthur Fleck."Arthur let out one of his short chuckles, then nuzzled his way into your neck. He lifted his face and looked to the side, down at the bear. "I'm really happy about tonight," he admitted, and your heart soared at your small but meaningful success. "Thank you so much." His voice got softer and softer with every word, and you know he felt like he didn't deserve it.You traced the sides of his cheekbones as you considered your partner, and then let out a small whispers into his hair."No, thank you, angel, for being with me."╰────────────────────────⋞╯It was about past one in the morning when you two returned to your flat. Arthur entered before you, shrugging off his hoodie with a small grunt. He turned to you and helped you with yours, and you let out a small "thank you" as you pressed your lips to his. That's what your relationship was about. Love, consideration; helping one another.Arthur said nothing; thanking him wasn't really necessary, since helping one another was second nature. You always did anyway; you wanted him to know how appreciated he always was. He bounded into the bedroom, eager to get to bed. The teddy bear was still in his arm. He had been carrying it with him the whole way home, not letting go of it once. You already knew that he wasn't going to hold onto it anywhere other than your apartment from this night onward; there was nothing more prone to ridicule and distain in Gotham than a grown man doing anything out of the ordinary, anything less than "manly" and gritty. There hadn't been many people on the ride home, just an old lady and some young kids, so you both knew that this rare quiet night was the exception. It was almost as if the universe was intentionally giving your tired souls some refuge from the usual dark chaos of the world, some relief after tonight's trying and dark window with Arthur's cruel past. You could tell that he was still being weighed down, holding back a weight that had been on him since the memory had been triggered by the bear. You saw the way his shoulders and eyes were a bit dimmer than usual, despite having reattained their natural warmth and carefree essence. You sigh heavily as you grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen for the both of you, knowing that you wouldn't be able to rest until you talked him through his heavy feelings, now in a much more intimate and safe space, without the blaring of the Christmas music in your ears.You entered the bedroom and your heart melted for about the hundredth time that night at the sight of him. He had taken off his usual button up white shirt and had put on the soft red christmas sweater on instead. His long brown curls were sticking out in all directions, a mess from pulling his clothes over his head. His laugh lines were giving his boyish face a beautiful combination of experience and carefreeness, and his lips were bared into a soft smile as he looked up at you, the bear still in his arms. He was holding it like it was a child, cradling it with care. "May I join you, Mister Fleck?" You asked seductively. Saying his name in a formal manner had become a sort of pet name. It made him blush profusely, not being used to any kind of respect being attached to his name. "Please," he said, his voice more vulnerable and broken than he intended it to sound. He tried to sound charming and smooth, but his voice came out broken and desperate, which only confirmed your fears of how he was still feeling about his triggered trauma, despite it having been hours.You instantly made your way over to the bed, leaning one leg over and straddled yourself on top of of his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes, finding no answers in his sad depths."Did I ruin tonight?" He whispered in an even more broken voice, his green fields already starting to form a wet layer in response to his self doubt. You let out a noise of both sympathy and shock, and stroked his hair softly. All the man had thought about tonight, everything that had come back to him, and he was worried about ruining the night for you? You almost felt a quell of anger at him for how much he disregarded the severity of his own pain and suffering, but more than anything, all you wanted to do was comfort him. "No, honey," you whispered back, falling back into the 'language' of your intimate tones where you said more than you spoke. "You could never, ever ruin the time I spend with you, ok?" You continued stroking his hair as you spoke, and he was looking at you with unreadable sad eyes. "I'm not speaking out of my ass when I say that you're my everything, Arthur. One hour with you means more to me than the entire rest of my day. Coming home to you and falling into your arms. more often than not, is what makes my day worth living. You being you is the best gift you could ever give me. And if that means some nights of you night having bad thoughts and dealing with trauma, then fuck." You kissed him on the top of his nose. "That's exactly what we'll do."Arthur let our a breath of relief that he didn't know he had been holding. He rested his head on the top of the teddy bear, its weight holding up his chin with only a little smashing on the bear's end. He was now looking at you with love and relief, but there was still an exhaustion in his eyes. He felt dark overtake his vision as he saw a flash of buried deep memory. Yelling, thrown plates. His bruises making it impossible to sleep at night. Floor. He slept on the floor. His back was so sore the next day.Arthur let our a small moan of defeat and buried his face in the comfort of your shoulder. You embraced him wholeheartedly, wrapping your arms around his bony body, his spine and ribs sticking out like he hadn't eaten in weeks. Not even the thick, comforting layer of the red sweater could hide that. Tears strung your eyes, and you felt the sickness again at how much you loved this man more than you could comprehend. "I really do fall more in love with you the more time I spend with you, did you know that?" you whispered softly into his ear, and he only nudged you neck in response. "I don't deserve you," he muttered into your touch, pressing his lips softly to your collarbone, engulfing it momentarily, and you shivered in heated lust at his touch. You wanted to make love to him so bad it drove you mad, but you needed to attend to his wellbeing. That was far more important. You loved him so much that you simultaneously always wanted to talk to him and simply connect emotionally until you could feel the loose strands of his wounds finally come undone, yet your body was driven mad with the cravings of his touch, to have him be physically inside of you at all times, never wanting to be a separate body or entity, craving being one with him so badly that it drove you into a mad haze."Oh darling," you gasped, the words coming out as more of a heavied sigh, " I wish I could give you everything. You deserve everything." He was kissing you deeper with each word of kindness from your lips. You moaned into his touch, and you cuddled himself closer into you, until air could hardly come between your bodies, save for the bear that was being squished between your chests. It reminded you of the man you were cradling; painfully soft and tender, and begging for protection. You were spooning him in your lap sitting up, him curling himself into your body like a small child. "You're right, Arthur, you don't deserve me." you muttered into his ear, your lips tingling with the tickles that the strands of his wispy hair gave your skin, as if they were gentle kisses themselves. You felt Arthur freeze for a minute, then you continued quickly, "You deserve so much more."Arthur let our a small moan of protest. "No. Not what I meant." He bite you gently as 'punishment', and you yipped. "And not true.""I know what you meant." you responded firmly. "And it's wrong. Not only do you deserve love. You deserve someone who could get you more, buy you more. Take care of you better." Your voice cracked as you realized the truth of your words. Arthur lifted his head from your neck so he could stare at your again. Your right hand traveled from his back and up to his face, and you caress his tired, leathered skin with your slightly younger one. "That's not true," he mummered. "I don't deserve any of those things. I've done terrible things, Y/N." You had no words to try and redeem such a blatantly wrong sentence, so instead you began to kiss every inch of his face deeply, each kiss long and passionate, each about a minute long. You whispered, "I love you" in between every kiss, each one becoming more passionate and more prolonged the more you felt your empathy ripping through your soul. "I love you, Arthur." He was letting out shaky breaths, his breathing raspy and heaving, like he was wounded. "It's just so hard to be," he breathed the words out rather than spoke them, his hot breath bathing your face, "happy" he sighed out the last word. You lips were on the edges of his lips as he spoke out the word, and as soon as he sighed the word out he leaned over and returned the kiss in the deepest and most sincere manner. It was one of the most weighted, tired sighs you had ever heard in your life, the word surrounded in exhaustion, a delicate afterthought in the midst of his torment. Happy. The name his mom had given him since he was a boy. A name that undoubtedly would haunt him for the rest of his life, carrying his trauma, carrying his existence as a poor, disabled man that he didn't ask for with parents who couldn't have cared less. You loved him for everything he was, but he did not. "You don't have to be happy around me if you don't want to be," you muttered, stroking his face tenderly as he leaned into your palm, grazing his lips on your hands ever so gently as he continued to look into your eyes for answers, hanging onto every word. "You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. I want you to be you. If you come home crying, I'll take you as your are. If you come home angry, even if it's at me, I'll take you as you are. No masks." You traced the bridge of his nose, and he crinkled up his nose at you playfully. You smiled. "No fakery." You traced the tips of his brows. "Just Arthur." You brought your fingers to the tips of his ears, knowing that was a sensitive spot for him, and he melted and closed your eyes, the bones visibility dropping on his face, showing his age, but he looked so much more beautiful this way, as Arthur, not the tormented and twisted "Happy" that he had been his whole life. "Your name isn't Happy," you continued. "It's Arthur. You're not one emotion, darling, nor should you ever be."His dark lashes lifted themselves up once more and revealed his endless blue green depths, and in the darkness you could have sworn they were portals to another world. The sleepy and cosy atmosphere closed around you, and for the second time that afternoon there was no longer anything but you and him. Arthur's eyes had been wet since coming home, but now they were bursting over. Tears ran down his cheeks until they were soaked, and you kissed them one by one. "Why do you love me?" he whispered. His heart pounded just to ask the question, but he couldn't resist the anxiety of not at least trying to know. Arthur had lived a life of uncertainty, and solid, definite answers gave him comfort. So little remained in a grey uncertainty throughout his life.You thought for a moment. Not about whether or not you loved him, it was more certain than anything in your life that you did, but why you loved him. You thought about how you saw flashes of his brown curls in your sleep, how his essence was in your consciousness even when you weren't thinking about him. You thought of how you dreamed about him, how he made you feel as if you had transported to another planet of heavenly mutual admiration. You thought about how one word from him caused your knees to shake even just a little bit, how if you thought about his very existence in depth for too long your bones began to shake and your hands sweat. You thought about the quieter moments where you were just with him, and how, as you felt his sleepy, hot breath sweep into you own hair while he passed out on you shoulder, that you knew without a doubt you would do anything for him. You thought about your life before him, how you always felt like you had been searching for something someone, that after a certain point you had convinced yourself you would never find. You thought about your fights, how your heart ached for him even when he was distant from you, making you cry with rejection. You thought about how you would always come back together, somehow more in love after conflict than you had before, as if every trial and tribulation was only destined to bring you closer together and to form a deeper understanding of one another. You thought about his touches, how you craved them like a drug when he was gone. You thought about your gentle teasing of one another, how playful you were together. You thought about how he stole your clothes and anything that smelled like you when you were gone, how you felt your heart warm when you opened your suitcase on trips and saw that half of your closet was missing. You thought about how you always made and fed him dinner even you were bone tired from along day. You thought about the slower and less eventful days with him, and how you still enjoyed every waking moment in a way you didn't know was possible before. You thought about his condition, the fits you helped him through, feeling all your love pour into every caress. There was no answer, and there never would be. It was only a feeling, one that you were sure would last a lifetime. "Quite simply." you muttered into the dark, watching his soft, shiny eyes that gleamed like gentle magic as he gazed back at you. "I just do."Arthur let out the warmest of smiles, and even in the dark could you see the beloved lines on his face gracing his smile. He looked like your Arthur again, the Arthur that had been excited with shining eyes looking at the Christmas mall for the first time. The Arthur he deserved to be. You would love him regardless, but this was what he deserved"Can you.." he looked down at your knuckles, then brushed them softly. You brought them up to his lips for him, and he engulfed each knuckle in a slow, soft kiss, one by one. "Can you say my name again?"You felt your heart flutter, and you let our a soft whimper of understanding. He had been called Happy by the only person who loved him his whole life. He despised both his names, feeling apart from both of them, both Happy and Arthur alike. Happy was the cursed name his Ma gave him, and Arthur was the name trodden by society. To have him hear his name said by someone not only with respect, but by the mouth of someone who loved him that he loved just as equally, felt like heavenly to him, an indescribable weight being carried off his shoulders.You leaned further and kissed his jawline, and with the softest and most tender of your voices did you whisper, "Arthur." Arthur looked at you through his tear soaked portals, and you leaned forward to kiss the space between his eyebrows. He closed his eyes with a shuddering breath. "Arthur." Your voice was softer than a feather's landing on the ground and more tender than a newborn baby's hand. Your lips traveled down his nose, never once breaking from his skin. "Arthur." You kissed each eyelid, feeling the very life from his eyes fluttering excitedly at your touching, twitching uncontrollably. You made your way down to his neck, nibbling on his neck bones, and Arthur let out a moan helplessly. You slowly removed his sweater by pulling it up over his head, and tossed it to the ground. You made your way down his torso, pressing your lips into his nipples, his stomach, and everywhere in between. His whole body was becoming slick with the saliva of your touch. You continued to whisper his name through the darkness of the night, and you felt him shudder slightly every time.You finally made your way down to his blue slacks, and you gently took them off, pressing kisses near his cock, feeling how hard and stiff it was. You kissed the tip of it gently, and you felt the precum that had already formed there. Arthur let our a helpless moan at your touch."T-Thank you, Y/N," Arthur said, his entire being shaking with emotion as well as the desire for you to be inside of him. "Thank you for seeing me."You looked up, and only gazed into his eyes back, granting him everything he needed just by returning his gaze."You know how you always worry about taking care of me?" he whispered. "You do take care of me, every day. You loving me is the best thing I could ever need. "You felt an a light stronger than happiness sweep through your body, and it was all you could but give him a smile as tears began to drip down you face yet again. You felt as if you were floating.Arthur pulled you up and wrapped his arms around your form and wasted no time. He pressed his hard cock into your rump and began to ride you as you continued your task of nippling and sucking his torso.You let out small moans, and his name that was still being whispered began to turn into helpless begging. Arthur only became more heated and turned on as he heard the name go from sweet and gentle to helpless simply by him entering you, being reminded of how much power he really had over you, through he refused to believe it more often than not. Your mouth was open in helpless lust as he continued to shove his length into you, and all you could do was dig your fingers into his hair as a pleasure after pleasure filled wave rode into you. You felt yourself fall into a passionate, beautiful haze as you felt the end of the day coming into this perfect close with everything you ever wanted. At one point did you manage to open your eyes and look into Arthur's, who had been studying your face the whole time while jamming himself into you, his eyes soft and concerned as he pounded into you, yet confident knowing that he was safe to do as he pleased with you. The pleasured waves continued to ride through you until you came, and Arthur came shortly after you, pressing his forehead into your shoulder as he did so, mummering "fuck" under his breath as he lost control and cum leaked out from your rump and onto the bed. Your entire body felt sore, and you brought yourself down from your high, relaxing on his lap and kissed his temple in the most gentle but heated and passionate way, and Arthur hummed happily into your touch.You got up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom, determined to clean up the sheets and each other so Arthur could get some sleep. As you came into the room, however, you noticed Arthur had already passed out on the bed, lying down with his back towards the apartment window, his back facing you. As quietly as you could manage did you make your way around the bed, and you felt tears instantly spring to your vision as you saw your man before you; he was lying with his arms wrapped around the bear, his face completely relaxed, his breathing slow and deep. His hair was in his face, still damp from the intercourse you just shared. It was as if he had found peace for the first time. He looked so carefree and gentle, so innocent and fragile that it made your choke, and with the gentlest way you could manage did you pull some light sheets over his body. After you cleaned yourself up, you went into the bedroom and lay down next to him, wrapping your arms around him as delicately as you could manage so as not to disturb him. You felt Arthur visibly shift in his sleep at your touch, turning over slightly so you could see part of his face, and saw him smile in his sleep. He knew without being awake that his love was by his side, everything instantly feeling completely."Goodnight, Arthur," you whispered into the dark of the night, your breath tickling his curls lightly. "I love you more than you will ever know."
YOU ARE READING
Arthur Fleck Archive, 2019
FanficA series of romantic one-shots concerning Arthur Fleck.
