The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Seven: Cheater Pumpkin Eater

I never thought in my lifetime I would cheat or I would be cheated on. I don't know how many times I've actually cheated, but if you're going to sit there, and you're going to read this, and you are going to say, "Oh, I never cheated," you're a liar. Everybody has at least once cheated in their life. If it was by accident or intentional, either way, this chapter is not always going to be about a pumpkin eater. It's about somebody like myself that has cheated on people I have been with, and I've hurt, and they hurt me. 

Sometimes, I believe I have good intentions, but not always. I can sit here, and I could look at someone blue in the face and say that I love them when really I'm just so fucking unhappy inside. Either that's a gift or a curse. I'm unhappy, and I think I've got that from my dad. I don't think my dad intentionally wanted to hurt anybody in his life, and we have a hard time saying "no," just like my mom growing up. I always seen my mom get cheated on, but I never ever saw her cheat in my life. But I have a feeling she did it when she was younger. Is that any of my business? fuck no. I would love to know though because I don't want to feel like a shitty person because I've cheated on multiple people in my life. 

I did it because I wasn't happy. I could've been more of a person and talked to them, but in my way of thinking, I don't think I wanted to save the relationship, and I feel like the reason why we cheat is because we don't want to keep trying in the relationship. We just kind of want the relationship to go away. But that's just my thinking. There are other reasons why people cheat, sometimes to get revenge, sometimes to be spiteful everybody has a different story. And mine is I don't know how to communicate. Which sucks, but if I was brought up differently, maybe I would've been okay with communication, but I'm always scared to communicate because if you were abused most of your life, and you always got yelled at for your own feelings, you literally would not want to communicate on how unhappy you are. Not trying to excuse my behavior; I just wish there was a better way instead of having to cheat or talk to them about it because who the fuck wants to talk about how unhappy you are with somebody? it's the most saddest thing to see on their face, but then it's also sad to see them know that you cheated on them, so either way, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. 

I don't think nobody should cheat on anybody, but it's something in our mind that we do because we lack something in our brain that the person we are with is not giving us; as I said, we could sit here and talk about it but who would want to sit and talk about having to change a person to be formed into a person I want to be with? That is just mentally exhausting.