The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Ten: Suicide

When I was younger, I didn't think about death. I thought about makeup, barbie dolls, how my hair looked, and if my purple dress was washed so I could wear it all day again; at that time, I didn't even think what suicide was I didn't have splitting thoughts rushing through my brain, wanting to kill myself at that moment in time I was a child I was a perfect little child. I ask myself, what happened to that child? You see? I ask myself a lot of questions, and it's not really average questions it's like, why did I do that today? Why am I fatter than others? Why is my mentality wanting to hurt myself? It's not average questions;

inflection and harm is what I did to myself; I think I had these raging thoughts at the age of 10 years old that's when I started my period and hormones came, all the stuff can build up,  "You're starting to change into a woman" I heard from different family members like that was "normal" in my head I would be like "no shit," but at the age of 10 years old I just nodded and smiled and tried to act like I was proud of myself for becoming a woman little did I know how terrible it was becoming a woman, my mom did not warn me about all the raging feelings I would have she just told me "if you want to use a tampon, use a tampon if you want to use a pad, use a pad other than that. Have a good day", she didn't tell me that I would be having raging feelings, headaches, emotions I never felt before.

Yeah, nobody really tells you that part because, at that age, you don't want to be scared of having it. Or you don't want to be scared of becoming a woman; I think that was not my best time. My mom was not even the one to take me to a fudge shop to pick out my first chocolate candy for becoming a woman; it was a social worker that was for my brother because my brother had anger problems, but she's the one that took me if that's not self-explanatory I don't know what is.

I was not proud of who I became. I became a person that went on a very dark path with drugs, alcohol raging moments, and wanting just to hurt myself constantly every single day, and that's when my self-harm started when I was about 11 years old, I kept it from my mother because I still wanted her to think I was her little girl, deep inside I just could not handle the emotions, and then it just kept building up for years.

I kept self-harming myself a lot; my mom found out at the age of 14 what I was doing to myself; that's when I also started to smoke cigarettes and party like I was in the 1920s, staying out late, doing tons of drugs and, drinking with adults that were twice my age I didn't realize that addiction was going to be down that line either and I did not know that I would attempt to kill myself about almost 10 times. Yeah, you read that correctly 10 fucking times. I tried to kill myself there were times when I just hid it from my mom. I don't even think she knows how many times I actually tried, but when she reads this, she'll know.

I had to lie to her that I was in the hospital for multiple things when I was younger, growing up when I was actually trying to attempt suicide and with hippa and all, they didn't have to tell my mom; they just put me up into the psych ward for a 24-hour hold and they just kind of put in my head that I don't need certain people in my life and I need to change this and that and then they sent me on my way.

I didn't realize how bad my mental health was until about 17 years old; that's when I was becoming an adult, and I had to realize that my life needed to change for the better, or else I was just going to go down a really really dark hole, but I recovered, I stopped doing drugs, I limited my drinking, and I stopped cutting myself. The raging thoughts were kind of slowy going away, because I started to change myself for the better, and it was not that easy, saying it is easy, but the actions behind it was so fucking hard, I don't think I ever want to have those thoughts again I'm 25 years old and a year ago I did try to attempt to self harm again nobody knew that but now that you're reading this you'll know I'm on medication to help stabilize me to help me cope with the emotions that I have all the time because being diagnosed with bipolar type one, borderline personality disorder,  PTSD and generalized anxiety it's not really fun to have all this mental shit it's not a trend it's not something I recommend, but sometimes some of us are just genetically born with it and we don't know until we hit the particular age that we start to become older, and I think our parents don't tell us that when you start to become a woman or a man or whatever you identify yourself, you don't get that talk where you might mentally not be ok.

From my experience, I'm going tell my son all the things that he needs to look out for, all the signs, all the things that he needs to tell me to make sure that he can talk to me and I suggest everybody else do the same with their kids.

Suicide is not something to fuck with. It's the most detrimental thing in my life that I have ever experienced, and getting so close to actually doing it. It's sad, and I didn't realize how bad I was until a certain age. I'm just one of the lucky ones that made it out; some don't make it out, some actually successfully kill themselves, and that's the most challenging part about suicide. I don't think I'll ever change, but I do know that I am leveling it out with medication and doing a lot of meditation and a lot of thinking; some people don't have a purpose to live, but mine is my son I'm on my feet the roots are growing because he helped water them.

I don't think I'm going anywhere now; there might be times when my roots start to break, and I'm not okay. I do have thoughts of suicide and self-harm, but I don't have a plan anymore. They come and go. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next couple of years, but I do know it's not suicide. I have to say I'm proud of myself. Aren't you proud of me?