The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter One: Baby Toes & Mothers

Do you ever feel like the world was more enormous when you were younger? Was it more colorful? Exciting? I felt unstoppable in some parts of my life, especially at such a young age when your mother is holding you, feeling the warmth, happiness, and love from her. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. I had that.. somewhat. When you had your dad be there for you every step of the way, pushing you while you're trying to ride your bicycle, sadly, I never had that. But I remember the world being so bright, and I just wanted to play all the time in the grass, even if it was just by myself, because I felt like being alone was better than being with a family that made you feel like you were a bother. It's sad to say that I ever thought that way, for even being at such a young age, I shouldn't have that mindset, but I did. I always did the ordinary little girl stuff where I dressed up and did my makeup even though my mother was so against it; I even played with Barbie dolls. The funny part is I was always obsessed with the little mermaid; I remember getting a mermaid Barbie doll for my birthday and then having my brothers take the head off of the Barbie doll, cut the hair off, and blame me that I cut the hair off of my Barbie doll at the time my mother believed them, I have a feeling she favors my brother's a lot but that's a story I'm going to get into eventually but for now let's just say the truth came out later on my mom finally realized it was them.

We don't know much as newborns; actually, we don't remember how we came out of the womb, we don't remember crying, we don't remember being put on a table to get cleaned off, and to be honest, I feel like it's unfortunate that we don't remember that part of our life because you would think it would be an amazing experience, but you know what we do remember? Trauma. And no, not at a newborn stage; I'm talking about being a one-year-old, and you have the whole world at your feet and remembering your mother getting drunk and driving while intoxicated and getting you into a car accident. I don't think my mom wants me to remember that part of my life when I was one to two years old because there were many things that she did that were neglectful towards me. I believe I was put in the foster system for a long time, and she even told me she had to attend alcohol anonymous meetings and parenting classes. Still, I don't think she ever wants to tell me about the part where she lost us. If she brings that up, she'll feel like she's opening a door of the past, and then she'll be stuck there.

I don't blame her, but even if we did not go into the system, I want to know how she kept us for so long because nowadays, you can hear a mother leaving her kid in the car on a hot summer day and getting her kid taken away from her because let's all be honest that is neglect so what was so different about my mom? Was it the judge? Was it the caseworker? I hope the story comes around eventually.

I was somewhat of an outgoing girl, but I always had some type of feeling in my gut or in my chest. I always told my mom about it, and she told me I was okay. I believe that all parents say that to their kids when they don't want them to overthink or think their life is coming to an end, so I was always told I was fine, that I'm okay, that everything's going to be just FINE the funny part was we always believed them because when you're growing up your parents are the only people that you trust so whenever they tell you that you're okay you're going to believe them, I wish I never believed my mom, I always had this thing of biting my fingernails; my mother would slap my hand or my wrist and would threaten me that she would put mittens on my hands until I stopped biting my fingernails, little did she know that was putting more pressure on me as a child and psychologically making me feel scared of her every single time I was around her so I always made sure I never bit my fingernails when I was around her but when I did you bet I was slapped. I remember being a very attitude type of girl, and I do think that I am still that type of girl; I don't believe that personality just goes away out into thin air because children imitate their parents; unfortunately, I always imitated my mother I would say things that she would say I would act the way she did I always tried to put my hair just like her, and I always begged her "can you please braid my hair?", "Can you please ensure my hair gets curly tomorrow for school?". My mother and I never had that bond when I was a toddler or even a younger child. My mom never liked braiding my hair. She never really liked brushing my hair to this day. I do not even like brushing my hair, but I always loved it long. But I remember my mother always playing with my hair and complimenting me that I always had the prettiest straight hair, but if I had the most appealing hair, why didn't you want to do the motherly thing and do my hair like a regular mom? I didn't want my mom to always play with my hair; I at least wanted her to do my hair, so I felt prettier about myself as a young child, or maybe I just wanted that bond with her because I had seen other moms do that with their kids at school. I was left out I always had my hair down. The sad part is I taught myself how to put up my own hair in a bun or a ponytail because my mother was always at work. She never had the time to actually teach me that stuff but always was against me wearing makeup, which I don't understand, but a little sense of me wanted to believe that maybe she was protecting me or that she was jealous of me. Perhaps that's my ego talking; what do you guys think?