The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Six: The Addict Trophy Child

You would think I know everything, I always perceive myself that way to make myself look good. People always compliment me and say how smart of a brain I have or how smart I am in general. Sometimes I take it literally; other times, I think they're just being a fucking bitch. Having a household full of siblings, no sisters, just brothers. There's always a favorite. And with me being the only sister, I did not become that favorite. My mom did cater to me a lot, but she also pushed me more than my brothers. My brothers still live at home, and for me, I live on my own. Maybe it's better that way. Because if I was still in the same room as my mom, we probably be fucking each other up. So it's better to see her every now and then because we both are toxic. Now imagine me growing up with her; my living situation with her was absolute hell; my brothers are still sucking the fucking nipple and getting catered to and loved and making sure that they have a roof over their heads and food in their belly while I sit here and struggle in my own home wondering if I would be eating ramen or chicken the next day.
They are lucky, but for myself, I'm the trophy child. My mom loves me and cares for me. I'm not saying she ultimately beat me and hurt me my entire life because, eventually, people grow they turn into someone better for themselves; it just all takes time. Hers took longer than others, but that's okay.
Being a trophy child has been the most complicated role I have ever played, graduating from high school and then going to college to get my bachelor's in psychology; it is insane.
My mother showed me off like I was just this golden ticket to her life that she wanted, I think she was more upset that I didn't become an LPN because that was her future; I chose another path because it's better always pick your own path, I always had this thing of loving the brain; the brain is very sacred; it controls your nervous system and sends signals to your body, and it makes you feel things that you never thought you would feel before I always wanted to study about dementia and how the brain works around that, it's simple, but it's not that simple because there's still no cure to it, I hope I become that person that finds a way to cure it, but a girl can dream. So I'll just stick to psychology; at least I can learn more about the nervous system and the brain and diagnose people with all the mental illnesses that they have because, in the end, at least I'm still helping people. Even though I'm not sticking a needle in their arm, at least I'm nitpicking their brain to help find the reason why they are the way they are.
I hope my mom sees it that way, and I hope others do too.

I always wanted to learn more about the brain, not because it's fascinating but because of why I was a drug addict; yeah, I used to do meth, cocaine, heroin, molly, and acid, basically anything you can think of. I was addicted to it. It was short-lived, but did I have fun? Not really. I was raped multiple times; the sad part is I don't even remember the guys that did rape me, I don't even remember names, but if I saw a face, my body may tense up. I didn't really have fun, and my mom probably thought I was having fun going out every night, staying out, and not coming home until 6 a.m.

The one time my mom even called the cops on me and put me as a missing person, even though I did tell her where I was going, I just didn't tell her when I was coming back, I think I was gone for like two days it was like an extended house party that lasted for two days. I think I just wanted to experience more, and I'd rather experience things because being in your feelings during a high moment it's just so fucking depressing, so enjoy the experience. At that moment, everybody thought I was using drugs to get away from reality. I just really wanted to experience how it was going to be in my brain; one thing is for sure though, I'm never doing molly ever again; that shit is crazy.

I don't think I would ever do drugs again, to be completely honest; it's just too messy, and losing the love of my life to drugs is what hits home.
And I'm not saying anybody should experience what I experience. It's okay to question what you want to do, but I just don't condone it.
Being a mom, you start to realize that all those things in your past you kind of need to let go in order to move on with your child and to be the healthy mom that you want to be. Trust me, I miss being that badass bitch that would do lines in someone's fucking bathroom and smoke a little bit of weed and drink a lot of fucking alcohol. I miss that. But that's not my life anymore. I literally sit here and sing crazy baby songs and act like I'm having a picnic with my son in the living room, but I miss being free, but do I love being a mom more? Fuck yes. I think my son saved me. I wonder where I would be right now if I were not a mom. I question that every single day; who would I be with? Would I still be the badass chick that graduated and is going to college? I don't think so. My son motivated me, but in a way, I feel like I would've kept trying because I still have a reputation to live up to, especially for my mom. I miss who I used to be, and I was more fun and outgoing. I still had a little bit of anxiety, but I wasn't such a bitch, but I have to remember, I was mostly on drugs going through manic episodes day in and day out.

 Either I was sleeping too much, or I slept too little; either I was getting into fights or just starting arguments. I calmed down though, but a tiny part of me sometimes just really wants to start some shit, but it's better not to for my son. I wonder if other moms think this way.