The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Four: Too Many Questions

There are so many questions to a story, so many questions, but little answers. I try not to ask so many questions about my life, about my mother, about my father, about my brothers, or personally about myself.
I always told myself that minding your own fucking business is better than being in other people's business because if you're in other people's business, it can get very too much. You have your own shit to deal with.

But as a therapist,  you have to ask all those questions; you have to get deep into the mind of the person you're treating because you don't want to treat them incorrectly. So, unfortunately, you have to ask so many questions, too many questions.

 
The therapist I always went to always asked me the same thing over and over. Do you want to harm yourself? Are you having thoughts of suicide? My answer was always "no" because growing up, my mother always said, "If you told them that you want to kill yourself, they will put you in a mental hospital." It's funny coming from somebody who put me in one herself. Maybe I should've trusted the therapist.

 
But ever since she told me that, I still say "no" to anybody who asks me that, I've lied I truly did have thoughts of that. I did have a plan multiple times, never really talked about it, but always thought about it. You could ask me now, and I will still keep saying "no" cause to me, that question turns into more questions that I do not want to answer because if I let anybody deep inside that part of my mind, I think to myself if anybody would actually really like me. Half the time, I don't even like myself, it's sad, but it's the truth. And I don't encourage other people to say "no"; I just say "no" because psychologically, my mother did tell me always to say "no."

You can't really trust anybody half the time you can't trust yourself. And sometimes, it's not even a therapist or people asking too many questions. Sometimes, it's you that asks yourself too many questions. I hate answering questions, but if there were an interview of me like Billie Eilish, I would totally go for that interview, I know I'll be impacting more people, but telling a therapist and answering all those questions you're not going to see many people you're going to be in one room in a tight little circle and you're not going to be able to get out you know why? because they might just put you in the hospital, or your parents will. so maybe just say "no". Up to you. But sometimes it's better to get help, which I did. 

I hated my mother; I hated my family, I hated every single person that made me feel like I was wrong to have mental health issues. So sometimes saying yes is okay too. Just be careful with how many questions you get asked because sometimes there are too many, and then all at once, you answer those questions incorrectly.

Sometimes life gets very hard; I'm not saying I hate my life I just wish I was never born into this life. Having to be the trophy child, the sister everybody looks up to, I just wish I did not have this much pressure as a person and then be told, "I'm Okay," "Everything's fine."
And then the audacity everybody has to ask me those questions like "how do you do it?" "When did this happen" Well, why do you have to ask me so many questions? because half of the time, I don't even have any answers.
You would think I would have all the answers; I just like to perceive myself like I do because sometimes people think you're smarter and more confident. In reality, I am not that confident. I am just like every other girl in this world. I pick out little flaws in myself and question if something was even normal.
The weird question is, what is normal?
Wait
I don't even think I want to know that answer.
Because my normal is normal to me, and like everybody else's normal is normal for them.
Like I said, maybe I shouldn't ask too many questions; maybe people should just mind their fucking business.