The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Twelve: Death #1

(This is something I always wanted to talk about, especially about my aunt and uncle; this is something close to me that I never really spoke about until now in this book. It is okay if you skip past this chapter, but at least it is off my chest now ~A)

When you died, I didn't know how to feel either happy that you were gone and you were not suffering or upset because you were my uncle and my aunt; you both had an addiction that I don't think others will ever understand. You fiend for that taste of alcohol every day; you wake up, and that was your cup of coffee. I don't know how you did it, both of you, I don't know how honestly.

I think about you guys every day I don't remember how old I was when my uncle died, but I do remember that he died from some sort of cancer, and my mom said "he was better off that he died anyway because he had a really bad upbringing with all the siblings," but he was the most funniest one out of all of them my Uncle David would literally go sleep in a ditch, and he would call it home sometimes he reminds me of Patrick from SpongeBob, my brother Bryon is the one that reminds me the most of him he is a little piece of him, the way I can tell is how his personality shows, my aunt had a terrible upbringing as well along with the rest, my aunt couldn't have kids because she was raped and even though I can't say by whom just know it brought her so much pain to the point where she could not have kids, maybe that was a blessing, it is kind of fucked up to say, but if you saw what I saw growing up you would think the same thing.

My aunt was a lost cause but she was the sister that everybody wanted my mother always talked very highly about her how she was the big sister and that's the thing my mom had a sister, I didn't grow up with a sister so I didn't know how that felt when she lost her sister, more or less I'm the one who found out she died, we didn't hear from her for years we thought maybe she was just so busy with life that she got more distracted with her life rather than calling us but I didn't tell my mom that my Aunt Renee always called me and she always told me to tell my mom to call her back, Unfortunately I never did because I know what my mom would do, my mother would just tell me "no I don't want to talk", so I was the one that would be on the phone with her for hours repeating the same thing over and over again talking about the same thing maybe three or four times, but in the end she didn't feel so lonely I was always the one that talked to my grandmother or my aunt when my mom did not want to talk to them she treated them like they were a bother, and it's sad because I don't think none of them were a bother.

I always asked my aunt why she drank; she just told me she liked the taste of it but deep down, I knew it was because she wanted to not think about when she was raped or the fact that she couldn't have kids she told me to always be good to my mother, and now I hear that from my mother telling my son the same thing, I miss them both so much we would be dancing to Ozzy in our living room, and my uncle would be playing the air guitar, while my aunt just sipped another beer, it's the little things that I miss about them they weren't always that fun though.

There was a hurricane that hit the East Coast. I think some of you remember Hurricane Sandy, well during that hurricane, we were living in the same place where my uncle was, my uncle had way too many beers, and he attempted to hurt me to the point where he actually did punch me in my face, my mother did a whole 360 on his ass slammed him on the ground, and he never touched me again, I remember the next day he tried to apologize we never spoke about it I didn't even accept the apology, to this day I don't ever think I did I kind of just swept it under the rug shrugged my shoulders and I said "I don't expect anything from this family anymore, we're all fucked," and I know I wasn't wrong, I think this family has more mental problems than most people I know, but I feel like we can handle it better than others, we kind of just take it out on each other instead of other people.

Now, if you ask me if I miss most of my family, I'm obviously going to tell you I do, but the tears aren't worth it because we're all damaged, and some of us are in denial about our own mental health issues why do you think some of us did drugs and drank? I'm not proud of who I am and what my past is like, but what I do know is that death is always going to be around whether I like it or not, I cheated death a couple of times, and my mother has as well there are ways to do it you just got to know how, but we couldn't cheat death with those two they were a lost cause and sadly they always were, I miss them a lot don't ever think I don't, but I don't speak about them anymore I don't think I even cry about them anymore I used to cry a lot, but I'm happy that they're somewhere else rather than here, if they were left on this earth still I don't think I would be where I'm at today I feel like my mother would cave to them and try to help them like she used to but then again that was then and this is now times have changed, sadly.