Darkiplier x Antisepticeye (Contains Smut)

47.

Dark closed his eyes when Anti leaned in closer, trying to push away the train wreck of thoughts, and concentrate on the soft purring, the soft voice, the soft aroma. He nodded weakly, sighing. "I... I know, I just... Gah, I hate this. I hate being so fucking weak! But I don't fucking want them back!" he said, almost yelling by the end. When or how, but his head was in his hands, his fingers tangled in his hairs, pulling the hairs on his head. "I know, I trust you- but I- I- don't-" he cut his own talk with a choked sigh, before he looked at Anti, his hands buried between his own legs. "I n-need to get it out, and I need to it as soon as possible, but I just- I can't..." he mumbled, through clenched jaw and gritting teeth.

Anti shook his head softly when Dark called himself weak, looking at him with big, wide green eyes as he listened. When he was done, Anti wrapped his arms and legs around his boyfriend, enveloping him in warmth. "You are not weak, Dark," he started. "You are traumatised. That doesn't make you weak, that makes you strong. Because you're still fighting through the trauma. That makes you so, so strong. Just like me. I'm traumatized too, but that doesn't make me weak," he whispered. "And...maybe...- if you can't talk about it...you could write it down? Or type it? It might help you keep all your thoughts in order."

Dark kept his hands buried between his legs, starting to feel cold. Until Anti embraced him. He rested his head on Anti's shoulder, his nails digging on his palms between his legs. He gently shook his head, "I ca-can't type or write anything like this..." he mumbled, his breath hitchy as he just got closer and closer to breaking down. After a moment of silence, and calming down in Anti's embrace, and ignoring everything except his boyfriend, he pulled away. He kept his eyes stuck on the sheets below him. He cleared his throat and nodded a little, and waited for Anti's reply.

Anti nodded a little at his statement, kissing his cheek a few times before his lover pulled away. Anti grew a little concerned, tilting his head at him as he pressed kisses to the nape of his neck. "What're you doing, beau?" He asked softly, unsure of why he nodded or pulled away. "It's alright that you cant write it, I understand that. But if you're going to tell me, let me hold you and keep you calm, at least..." he purred softly, nuzzling his nose into the soft hairs on the back of his head, his hands slowly rubbing his back.

Dark opened his mouth to speak, but no voice came out. He cleared his throat before looking at Anti, "N-I'll, I'll speak, I won't be able to write it down." he mumbled, before pulling his hands out. They already had barely visible scratches. Just as he felt the familiar warmth from his boyfriend, that he loved around him again, he knew he could do it. He knew he could cry, scream, and let it all out. He knew he'd feel better once he talked it out. He knew he could trust the being he was with. Dark took some time. Yet again, just revising everything, just sorting out the words.

Anti smiled softly, pulling Dark to sit in his lap, his arms wrapped securely around his waist, the blanket up to his chest. Anti purred in his ear and kissed the back of his neck, trying to find the most comfortable position he could. He wanted Dark to constantly feel his body heat, to remember who he was with. "I've got you, Darkling," he whispered, setting his chin on his shoulder and looking up at him. "And you take your time. I waited years to even be with you, I can wait a little while longer to help you out."

Dark sighed softly, his arms wrapping themselves around Anti's waist loosely. Except, he pulled them away in a few short seconds and buried them between his legs and stomach, lazily. He didn't want to hurt Anti, not even pinch his skin as he spoke. He knew he would, unconsciously, and just feel more guilty when he'd realize. He took a few final seconds, and cleared his throat. He started off slow, filled with stutters and pauses.
"Christmas... Christmas was the start. The demonic one, that is. I was /just/ 18 in the Hell years, at the moment. They thought it was a good idea to give me my powers. Give me human form. Send me to Earth." as he said so, everything was playing like a movie in his head. He hated it. But he couldn't stop it. And he didn't want to. Now or then, sooner or later, it needed to happen. "I abused my powers." he said, after a short pause. His voice was clear of his regrets, his guilts, his 'sins'. "Actually, my own powers abused me... my mind, my body. I was too weak to control it. Once I thought I could control it, it made me a fucking sadist. An emotionless, abusive, sadist, hatred-filled dictator. I was careless. I was a killing machine. Everyone was a slave for me. Anyone to look me in the eyes... I would kill them. I was reckless. Merciless. I had no feelings, at all. For anyone. It continued for years. Probably... 3 Hell years..." he said, not realizing he was choking on his own sobs. "I've killed my friends, if I couldn't, I'd manipulate their brains. Manipulate them until
they-..." he paused. Everyone he ever killed, or controlled, were infront of him, in his mind. His own hands killing them, or merciless watching them die. Doing nothing. He wanted to stop that. He couldn't. "I've lied to people, tricked them into believing I'm safe. Into believing I love them. And just... it all ended with me satisfying myself, and killing them." He couldn't feel himself trembling, as he tried not to cry. He pulled away, cupping Anti's face and looking into the pair of gorgeous eyes. Tears streaming down his face. "But I-I-I'm true here, I-I do love you, truly... I c-can't ever hurt you... I kn-know it's impossible to believe that after all I said, but pl-please, please, tr-trust me... l-l love you, I really do... I love you, I love you so much, pl-please don't leave me, please- please, I love you, I'm s-sorry, I-" he kept mumbling non-stop, continuously, ignoring his own cries. "I'm sorry", "I love you", "Please don't leave me", and "Please trust me". He continued till Anti calmed him down, till he was silenced by his lover. He just felt like everything he said, just made it seem more like he was using Anti; and he hated it. He didn't want Anti to have any doubts, and fears, any insecurities. He himself, at this point, felt extremely vulnerable and insecure, afraid; afraid to lose Anti.