Call It What You Want: Taylor Swift + Joe Alwyn

nine

September 3rd, 2016

I leant into him and closed my eyes just before our lips met. This moment was so perfect. I couldn't really believe it was happening, but it was perfect.

Well, it was perfect. Until I pulled away when that nauseous feeling made a return. I placed my hand onto my stomach taking a deep breath.

"You okay?"

I started to nod, but quickly realised I was not okay. I got up and ran to the bathroom, instantly throwing up.

"I hate this. I don't know why I feel so sick." I said as I collapsed on the floor, leaning against the wall.

Joe stood at the doorway with a small frown.

"Taylor... you probably aren't going to like what I say next, but I'm asking just in case," Joe started as he sat down next to me, also leaning on the wall, "do you think there's any chance you could be pregnant?"

I almost laughed at him. Me? Pregnant? Absolutely not. He was completely crazy for thinking that.

"Joe are you serious?" I let out a small laugh. "I'm definitely not pregnant."

"Are you sure? You've been nauseous and you haven't really been eating. And you've told me a few times about how Tom never used protection because he 'didn't like how it felt'." Joe said, in a very calm voice.

I thought about what Joe said. It is true that Tom never used protection. He also made me stop birth control because he said he was afraid it would make me gain weight. I don't know why the thought of Tom possibly getting me pregnant never crossed my mind. Really, it would be highly unlikely that I'm not pregnant. With the amount of times Tom forced me into sex without any protection, this was actually a high possibility.

I slowly turned to look at Joe, taking a deep breath. "You... you might be right." My voice came out all shaky, sounding like I could burst into tears at any given moment.

"Hey, take a deep breath okay? You don't know anything for sure yet. How about I go get some tests, just so you can check." The way Joe spoke almost made me feel more comfortable. He really made me feel like I could trust him with my life.

I nodded, and Joe helped me to stand up.

"Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can. Just try to stay calm, okay? No matter what the result is, everything will be okay." Joe assured me - although I wasn't entirely sure about that.

Joe left to go get these tests. My mind had pretty much turned into a washing machine at this point, spinning in an endless cycle. There was so much going on up there I could barely fathom it all.

Sure, the chances of me being pregnant are technically pretty high. But I'm not pregnant. I can't be. Not with Tom's baby. I couldn't let myself be tied to that man for the rest of my life. And I can't have a baby. Not at this point in my life. The whole world hates me. I don't want to bring a baby into a world where every single person on the planet hates them before they're even born. It wouldn't be fair.

I wondered into the room Joe had kindly let me stay in, and collapsed onto the bed, staring at the roof. My hands fell onto my stomach as I started to really think about all of this. It was a lot. Too much for my brain to handle right now.

Fifteen minutes later I heard the keys in the door. I hadn't moved from my spot on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Joe came in holding a few different boxes.

"Okay I got a few... just so you know for sure."

I slowly sat up, staring at all of the different tests he had bought.

"Here, take this one first." Joe said, handing me a box containing that dreadful test.

I got out of bed and gently took the box from his hand, flipping it over to read the instructions.

"Seems pretty self explanatory..." I said, opening the box.

My heart was racing more then a million miles per hour. I could feel the anxiety rising in me, and a possible anxiety attack forming, but I wasn't going to let that happen, especially in front of Joe.

He gave me a little reassuring smile before I went into the bathroom with that small test in my land.

"Alright Taylor... you can do this. It doesn't matter what that test says... because either way, you have control over your body. And you can do what you want." I spoke to myself, staring at my reflection. 

I took the test, then placed in face down onto the counter and opened the door to let Joe come in.

"Did you take it?" Joe asked, stepping inside the bathroom.

I nodded slowly and pointed at the face down test.

"I know you're probably having an internal panic attack right now. But I'm just going to remind you again that everything will be okay. No matter what that test says, I'll be here, okay?" Joe said as he gently placed his hand on my back and begun to rub it.

I took a deep, shaky breath, and gave Joe a very small nod and an even smaller smile. A few minutes had never gone so slowly. It was because whatever that test said could change my life forever. I knew what that test said could potentially mean my career is over.

"It's probably been long enough, do you want to look?"

I inhaled deeply, then picked up the small test that would change my future.

"Everything will be okay. I promise." Joe said, before I flipped that tiny stick.

My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I heard a small gasp come from Joe when he saw the result.

Two dark pink lines.

"Shit."