During a break, some of the Task Force (minus L, who had just left for his chemotherapy treatment, Watari going to make lunch and Light going home early because of how depressed he is) saw Soichiro with the journal. "It happens to be Light's. His therapist suggested he started writing it and I'm going to see what he has written in it so far." He told them and they nodded.
dark twisted sadness
everyone expects happiness from me
i don't see why they do
but they can't force me to be happy
when i am so tired in this world
feeling more sad than ever
knowing it doesn't feel real to even be depressed
and given everything that's happened
to me
i don't think i can keep on going
i want to say my lament belongs to the fact
i get sad easily
and i cannot stop it
given how much pain and suffering i get
i want to say my lament belongs to my anger
the feeling i had when being told i am kira
not was
am
no matter me being cleared
kira is who i am
i still feel it
even when i see my death note
that's how it is
a reminder i am nothing but a crazy serial killer
if i suck at everything i've done
then my own family doesn't care about me
or anything i've tried to do
i'm not their perfect son or brother anymore
i am a joke
a lousy joke to exist in this rotten
and cruel world
even i think so
i am a sick twisted mind of what i have been through
since my senior year
nothing has been the same
i am what i am
a broken son and brother
with a broken sense of justice
tell me
has anyone said my sadness concerned you
because if it has
i know i can't stop it
even the love of my life told me
i have to stay strong
and not give up hope
and not give up on life
but how does that work if i am sad all the time
to the point my depression
makes me this way
and that makes me a monster
a shinigami is the god of death
i am a god of death
despite being a human in the human world
but that's not what i want to talk about
i want to express the fact i don't want to be alive anymore
i never could be myself
not for my family
not for anyone
they don't want me
they want a heterosexual son and brother
who does no wrong
and i am a failure
my death can happen in any day
and i am prepared for it
"That's...dark." Matsuda said, clearly surprised by all those words Light has used in these poems. Even the ones where they have even more powerful and strong endings, such as him being a monster or broken sense of justice. Any of these five have something in common and he couldn't even explain how is that possible.
"There's another page. But I can't read it. Aizawa, you can read this one." Soichiro said, handing the notebook to him.
"Are you sure? All right then." He said, then folded it. He cleared his throat and started to read that page. It was pretty long but he could manage that.
April 18, 2007
Today has been the worst day of my life. Well, not mine entirely. L has cancer. The love of my life and my boyfriend has a deadly disease and I'm scared. I'm scared he won't make it. I know cancer can either help you and make you survive or you'll die. But still, hearing the oncologist's words, such as on how L will have to go through chemotherapy and lose all his hair, it made me wish it was me so I could die and he can live longer.
He doesn't deserve pain or anything else related to this cruel world. He deserves all the happiness he gets. His parents died when he was 8, so if he dies, he's seeing them again.
Either way, I can't accept all of this right now. This journal is supposed to help me and my suicidal thoughts I've had. My therapist suggested I should start journaling and while I've written five poems, I need to actually start writing my feelings down and stop being so depressed all the damn time.
It's just not fair. If L dies like I said, I'll never date again and I won't ever keep on going. I'll kill myself in secrecy and my family and the Task Force will never know. Not even Ryuk will know. I just want everything to be good again. But how can it be if L is sick? It doesn't make any sense.
I guess I'll have to simply remind myself that he is more important than I am and I don't have any reason to live if he chooses death over our relationship.
"Again, whoa!" Matsuda said, clearly disturbed by his choice of words to write. Soichiro took his glasses off, wiping his eyes.
"Sir, are you alright?" Ide asked him, noticing how upset he is. He shook his head no, feeling like Light's suicidal thoughts are definitely his own's fault. Especially the fact he wasn't there for him or the rest of the family after becoming chief of the NPA, it still was difficult for the older Yagami to comprehend the whole thing.
"Maybe I should allow myself to work less. It'll help Light with his depression as well and make him feel better." He said, getting his glasses back on.
"You think so?" Aizawa said, thinking that's probably for the best.
"I do. If Light is suicidal because of me and L having cancer, this needs to be fixed. But how do I tell him and say I went through his journal? Exactly. He'll start yelling and screaming at me what a horrible father I am for doing such a thing." He explained, knowing this could be true as Light does get upset easily. Even more so when you think about it.
YOU ARE READING
Cancer | Death Note
FanfictionL isn't feeling so well, vomiting horrendously and it's not looking so great. Watari believes he's just sick and there's nothing to worry about. Turns out, there is something worrisome and it is bad.
