Who You Love

Sincerity is Scary

I went home that day feeling as if something heavy was lifted off my chest. I have no idea why Josh took a pity on me but I don't even wanna know, I want to sleep without a care in the world. But wait, will Josh end up asking for something else in return?

Growing up in an abusive household made me quite the main character. I saw my sibling being mentally and physically abused and when it was my turn, my siblings joined the abuser team by then. Its almost like the case of the bullied becoming the bully. It's complicated you know, one moment they're this dreamy family, something that you're thankful for everyday and then next, you wanna end your life for all the trauma they've caused you in purpose. It's always a roller coaster ride in here, lol.. never gets boring! Jokes aside.. these things scarred me, traumatised me for life, gave me several issues including the most dangerous one, attachment issues; it's hard for me to let people go even when I know they're bad influence, I'm always the one patching things up, saying sorry without having a single fault. Another issue is when someone cuts me loose, helps me out I feel like they're doing it because they want something from me as well. With the Josh and Tate situation, I think y'all needed to know the actual pattern here, why I'm drawn to problematic human beings in particular.

I wrote an essay a year ago, when I was at my lowest. I always had an unrequited love for writing, I think writing down my feelings when I couldn't say it loud actually inspired it. Whenever I see this essay, it makes me go back and forth on my life. It's like this summary which reminds me my what I have to do to survive, to hold on, to make it to the end of the tunnel.

- Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. This is the only thing that has kept me going on with life when it wasn't healthy at best and dangerous at worst. Hope has the power to turn despair into grace and grace is love which seeks you out even when you have nothing to give in return.

The memories of childhood can always make you tear up, be it a happy or a painful one. For me, it was actually a mixture of both. At times, everything around me is what It was always supposed to be and in the next moment, I would see a story that reminds me that I'm not okay. They would have me broken down so much that I would feel worthless, unlovable. My happiness would be stripped off by them and the slightest thing could set them off with a fit of rage. They would not only break my spirit but also my body and hurt me with both their words and actions. Chances are, my life isn't actually mine.

Sometimes I feel like I can't make it to another day but eventually I can. Sometimes I feel like I can't stay but leaving also seems impossible. Why should I have to give up so much in order to escape? It feels like nothing is left of me. But that's just not true, there is still some pieces of my old self inside of me. The girl that I used to know, the girl that I admired, she's still there. It's that ember that's making me write this letter, making me wonder if things could be different, if I were free.

The taste of freedom is breathtaking and it is something you cannot fully appreciate unless you've been through darkness. Once I'm through the deep dark places I've been, the things that I used to love about myself will be intensified again beyond what I can imagine. I'll be free again, free to be myself again! Only now I will burn brighter and touch other people's lives.

I won't give up hope, instead I'll give into the hope. I believe I can never be too far gone, I can always come back and surpass my wildest dreams. I believe I will find a place or even a person that I will finally be able to call my home. My home will be my happy place where I can dance away my heart on my favorite song.

- Marina

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