Chapter 8

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'Eventually, I let you go. But no matter where I go from here, you will always be the reason I pause. The memory that will not fade. The small pocket of silence in a world full of noise.' 

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"I don't think I can train with you anymore," I tell Wanda as I walk into her room. I take a seat on her bed and, for a moment, she simply stares at me in confusion. How doesn't she get it? I can't spend time with her and save my relationship with Peter at the same time. I have to choose one or the other. Peter, a boy who I know loves me or Wanda, a girl who might like it. The choice is obvious, isn't it? When she doesn't say anything I rise to my feet and start pacing a little. 

"You were told to train me so train me, Y/N" Wanda demands as if she's in charge. No, she doesn't get to tell me what to do. Who does she think she is? When we first met she said, "Well, if you don't want to, you can always tell me," which gave me the impression that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. 

"Wanda, you said-"

"Well that was before I," her sentence trails off as if she doesn't want to say it, "Clint said we could go on missions in a few weeks."

"There are plenty of people on this team to go on missions. You don't need me, Wanda."

"Yes I do."

"It doesn't matter anyway. If you keep refusing to use your powers then there isn't going to be any missions"

"Y/N-"

"No. I can't be alone with you Wanda, I can't share a room with you. I can't do any of this, surely you realise that?" It's only now, when I really look into her eyes, that I can see her pain. Did I cause that? Have I hurt her? I didn't mean to. I'm just freaked out. Last night was too much. I felt it, I felt myself falling for her. And the worst part was I wanted it. 

"I haven't used my powers since my brother died," she admits, "I don't want people to keep getting hurt because of me." Oh. She takes a seat on the bed and I take a seat next to her. I don't know what to say but I know I want to comfort her. I doubt it's possible, and if it is I don't know how, but I want to make her feel better. There are tears threatening to fall down her cheeks and all I can do is look at the floor because seeing her like this hurts me too. "Every night I see him, his dead body. I couldn't save him." I take her hand in mine, wrapping my fingers tightly around hers. I've never seen her so vulnerable before. 

"Wanda, I-"

"Don't," she snaps, "you're going to tell me it's not my fault but you weren't there, you don't know." Her accent is stronger than usual, it seems to emphasise every emotion.  There's nothing I can say so we sit in silence for a while. As time goes on her head comes to rest on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her back. It's such a simple moment but it's far from meaningless. God, I wish it was meaningless. It shouldn't be like this. This should be no more than two friends, one comforting the other. But it's not. It's two people secretly falling for each other, one comforting the other and trying her very best to ignore her feelings. 

After a while, I slowly rise to my feet and walk to the door, getting ready to leave. "Don't leave me," Wanda begs and I want to promise her that I'm not going to. Why does this have to be so hard? I don't want this. But I loved Peter - I love Peter - and I have to start being responsible about this. The more time I spend with her, the more likely that someone's going to get hurt."

"I'm sorry, Wanda, but I have to," is what I'm about to say.

But then she walks over to me, pulls my body close to hers and whispers, "I can make you feel things no one else can, even Peter." Everything she says is true, no one can make me feel the way she does but that's what scares me. When she brushes her hand up my thigh,  pins me against the wall, and kisses me with all of her force I become someone with no morals. I forget about Peter and the way this will break his heart. So, yes she makes me feel better than anyone can, but she also scares me in ways no one else can.

But maybe that's one of the reasons that I can't stop myself from running my hand through my hair as I push my lips against hers. The fear of getting caught, the adrenaline, it's addicting. And those eyes, oh those eyes, they're so mesmerising. "So, you won't leave me?" 

"I could never." 

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