Chapter 10

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'I don't know what I'm supposed to do with everything I feel for you. No one ever showed me how to keep the ocean hidden beneath my skin. No one ever told me: in love, you drown.'

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"Since when do you knock? I thought just walking in was more your style."

"Wanda, we need to talk." Her soft smile fades away so quickly it's like it was never there. 

"Is this about you 'not being fair' to me?" I nod my head and walk into her room, avoiding eye contact as much as I can. Her eyes scream so much emotion, they always do. "It's time to end this, Wanda."

"We're meant to pretend there's nothing between us now? Live our lives as strangers?" Looking up at her, I nod slowly. Just as I knew they would be, her eyes are filled with sorrow. "I let myself believe you loved me."

"I do love you, Wanda. I wish this, us," I say, gesturing between us, "could happen but it can't." I clench my jaw and take a seat on her bed.

She sits next to me and I have to fight the urge to place my hand over hers. "Why can't it?"

"It's just not the right time." Once again her eyes meet mine and I have to look away.

"If you loved me, the way I love you, you'd have hope. Hope in me, hope in us." I don't say anything back. After all, what is there to say? We sit in silence for a few minutes before she speaks again. "Do you love him?" I'd love to deny my feelings. Telling her that I didn't love him anymore would be easy but I'm too tired, too heartbroken, to lie. The muscles in her face seem to loosen as I push out a weak and trembling, "yes." She nods her head slowly and gets back up to her feet.

"I'm sorry. If this happened at any other time-" I stand up and reach out to take her hand but she moves back. She looks so vulnerable, so innocent and sorrowful. I'm relieved when she glances up and breaks eye contact. 

"Did you ever feel anything for me? Or was this all just a part of some game?" I look at her, completely bewildered. Of course, I felt something. I loved her, and I still do. My feelings for her grew quickly and took barely anytime to consume me but I love her all the same.

"Yes, I love him. But I love you too, Wanda. You have to know that."

"Stop it, Y/N. Love can't be shared, you've made your choice and I just have to learn to live with it."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she says but it's not okay. None of this is okay. "I think our love, as short-lived as it has been, will always be my favourite." I can't stop the smile from growing on my face. I so wish it could be a happy smile but it's not. It's more like that reassuring smile you force to hide the fact that you're entire world just imploded.

I want so badly to hug her, to tightly wrap my arms around her and never let go. If I could, I think I'd protect her from the world. But I can't even promise that everything will be okay. How can I when she's in pain because of me? We've known each other no longer than a few months and yet this hurts so much it's as though I've never lived without her. "I should go," I mumble. The word 'goodbye' lingers on my tongue but I can't seem to force myself to say it. It simply sounds too final.  She turns around, facing away from me, and I realise she's not going to say anything else to me. As I walk out of the door I feel something shatter inside of me. I want to turn around and take it all back. How can I just let her go like this? 

It's too late to turn back, she's gone. Just another person who used to be a part of my story. My room is only a few steps from hers and yet the walk seems to take forever. 

The second I get in, I let the tears I've been fighting fall and I take a seat at my desk. Pulling out my notebook, I force to think of anything other than her but that doesn't prove easy.

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