in the room where you sleep

twenty-four

"god fucking dammit." I threw the test across the bathroom, crossing my arms and leaning my head back against the mirror and closing my eyes. I looked back at Johnny and just sighed. I had lost all hope in getting pregnant, but just fucking once I wanted a chance. This is my curse. 

"Hey. It's okay, baby. Really, it-it's just not our turn right now." I lightly scoffed and rolled my eyes, walking out of the bathroom. I felt Johnny grab my arm and pull me. I turned around and faced him. 

"You know I don't mean it like that..."

"I know you don't, Johnny but when has it ever been our turn? When has trying even been in our fucking favor? It never has and never will because I'm the one to blame. I can't be like every normal woman and just be pregnant and get the chance to enjoy it, be terrified of it, to see it through? No, of course not. You know how much it kills me to have to come to the realisation that I can't be a mother? To have to come to the realisation that I'm ruining your opportunity to be a dad? I'm an absolute failure and it's not fai-" He pulled me into his chest, hugging me tight and rubbing my back. I just started bawling. I had built up all of this anger towards myself after each negative test I took. He reached his hands to the sides of my face, lifting my head up and kissing me sweetly, wiping my cheeks and under my eyes. 

"Listen to me. No matter what our outcome will be with this, you still gave me the most incredible opportunity to be a husband. Not just any husband, YOUR husband. I'm so thankful and so lucky to have this incredible life with you. Through thick and thin, good and bad, it'll always be you and me in the end pushing through it all. I swear by that." I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight.

"I love you. I mean, so fucking much." He kissed me deeply, swaying me side to side slightly.

"I love you more. We're going to be okay I promise." I don't know how he does it. The way he just speaks and communicates and loves me is something so foreign nowadays. I don't understand how I got this lucky, but thank fuck I did. After a while we ended up on the couch. I was laying on top of Johnny with my legs intertwined with his, tracing my fingers across his chest and right arm. He had his arms wrapped around me and his hand tangled with my hair. The moment I got comfortable, my phone went off. I groaned and got up, going to the kitchen counter and answering it. 

"Hey, momma."

"Hey, sweetheart. Sorry, I know it's late, but you need to come home for a couple days..." I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

"Why? What's going on? Are you guys okay?"

"Your uncle had passed this morning..." I turn and looked at Johnny who was now on high alert and standing up. I started feeling panicky and scared. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my cheeks. 

"But I thought-"

"I know. we did too..."

"I uh- okay. We'll leave as soon as we can. I'll call you in a few." I hung up and slowly set my phone down, my breathing becoming heavier and faster. I just stood there in a state of shock. Johnny walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. 

"We have to pack, like now. Um... My uh, uncle passed this morning, so we need to go." I rushed up the stairs to the bedroom and grabbed our bags, frantically packing. I couldn't think straight. It felt like my head was spinning. 

"Baby..." Johnny came up behind me and held onto me. I just broke down. I couldn't hold it in. All the emotions running through me just broke loose.

"I thought we had more time. He was doing so well..."

"I know, honey. I'll take care of this. Just breathe for a minute." He sat me on the bed and took over packing. He was asking me different questions and talking about random things that came to his head as he was packing. I took deep breaths and answered him. I knew what he was doing. It was the only thing that worked for me to overcome my panic attacks. He got me on a subject about something from work and I was able to calm down and clear my head a little bit. Before I knew it, he had finished packing our bags. I looked up at him and stood to my feet, kissing him sweetly.