Formula Short Stories And Stuff

CL Loved The Ocean

Standing on that stage with the lights blinding me, you would think that I couldn't see a thing. But you would be wrong. Because I knew the moment he stepped foot through the door and took a seat. His presence known. Although I was surprised it was not out of left field. He had always promised me that when I played my songs on any stage he would be there. And even after all this time had passed and we had been apart for what feels like a lifetime, he sat there, phone away and waiting in the audience like everyone else.
I don't remember how but suddenly I'm on the stage. I must look like a deer in headlights but I sit on the stool and swing my guitar around my body so the curve lays comfortably on my knee.

"Hi everyone. My name is Piper and I wrote this song recently about something that happened not so long ago to me. I was in love with someone who didn't love me back and I changed some details but it represents how I felt in that time and I'm not good at talking so I'm just gonna start thanks" I rush out my words but the minute my fingers touch the strings I feel at home.

I thought you said you loved the ocean
When we were standing at the shore
You didn't even dip your toes in but I believed you
Just took your arm, yeah

We stood there, ocean breeze flowing through our hair. He smiled as his eyes scanned the beach. I frowned when my eyes followed his. Couples looking happy and in love, kids running and screaming, playing and splashing. Guys tossing a frisbee around and girls laying under umbrellas tanning. I wish I could see this and smile but all I felt was sadness knowing I didn't feel that way. The same happiness they all felt.

When you lie to me I smile
'Cause I don't know how long we've got
And when I look back at the pictures
I can remember things that we're not
I used to try to make believe you were the other half of me
Tell myself you made me better so I never had to leave

The person I see in the photos they take isn't me. It's someone who looks like me and speaks like me but it isn't me. I look like a statue painted beautifully standing next to my supposed love and all I see is us standing still. Empty but still beautiful. I told myself that I was better because of him. That my life was fuller because of him. It was. Before life got complicated and messy and I let the hundreds of watching eyes and angry fans ruin my once happy life. I would watch all the beautiful women enter the paddock and watch as he would hug and kiss each one. Yes it was common in European greetings, but their hands would touch arms that were meant to hold me, and see smiles meant only for me.

All the while I'm swimming and you're watching from the beach
I thought you said you loved the ocean
By the time I'm back in Boston
You'll be home in California
And by the time you finally want me
I won't be close enough to keep you warm

It pained me that I couldn't be with him everyday and travel the world with him. I wanted to be there pit-side every race but I had my own career to pursue and my own life to live. I had to be able to support myself incase what we had didn't work out. And I guess it isn't or it wasn't. I knew how busy race weekends were. I could guess before I even became part of that life that it was hard to be with someone living this life. Living it was worse than I had imagined though. There would be days without communication. Nights without I love yous and if I didn't go to races and take time off there probably would have been months without seeing each other. It never bothered him though. He had lived this way long enough and was used to the lack of communication and seeing each other in person. It took a toll on me. I would have nights crying and wondering why he didn't care enough about me to come and visit me instead of the other way around. Or me asking to come visit or for tickets to a race. I didn't feel wanted anymore. Maybe you thought I was just comfortable with how things were so he settled down and didn't put the same effort in that he did when we had just started dating.

And that's my problem with emotion
There's no controlling where it goes
One more drop is overflowing
Your glass is broke can't see me anymore
I used to try to make believe you were the other half of me
Tell myself I made you better so you never had to leave
I used to promise myself this is what love felt like. Like holding your breath and closing your eyes but in reality I was barely staying afloat. Water would hit my lungs soon and I would drown. Closing my eyes felt safer. I wouldn't see all the times I sat alone at the club while other girls hit on you and all the times you were photographed halfway around the world without me, with a beautiful girl in tow. I tried to tell myself you were the reason my life was full and happy when you really were the reason I felt like I was drowning. In the middle of the ocean, alone.

All the while I'm swimming and you're watching from the beach
I thought you said you loved the ocean
I thought you said you loved me
Sometimes I dream I'm all alone floating in the middle of the ocean. I'm not scared or afraid but I'm peaceful. Then I look across the water to the edge where you sit smiling to a girl who only knows your name and anger bubbles inside me and it's strong and ugly and the water around me swallows me whole in my own pit of anger. And when I open my eyes again I'm sitting alone again. Peaceful as the ocean moves around me. I am at peace with us, and myself, and you. You always loved the ocean. You loved it so much it's what I worked so hard to become. So large and vast and beautiful. Something you would remember forever. But unlike your forever love of the ocean, you don't love me the same.
I'll give you an inkling, toss you a notion
Give you an inkling, toss you a notion
Used to try to make believe you were the other half of me
Tell myself you made me better so I never had to leave
All the while I'm swimming and you're watching from the beach
Thought you said you loved the ocean
Thought you loved me

I strum my final chord and it's quiet. I look up and see the eyes I didn't want to but couldn't miss and I see him sitting there. Tear in his eye. My hand goes up to wipe tears I didn't know where already falling. In that moment the crowd erupts and I'm full of joy and happiness but also a touch of sadness.
Our eyes stay on each other for what feels like forever.

"Thank you for being an amazing audience, I hope to play again soon" I smile and wave

One last look at him and he gives me a soft smile.
I run off stage and into my dressing room. The tears don't stop but I am happy and proud of myself for singing. Hopefully he understood the song. I wipe my eyes and look into my vanity mirror and smile. Even after tears I smile and give myself a pat on the back for singing on stage when I wouldn't even dream of doing this years ago. As I begin to wipe my makeup off I hear a knock at the door. Assuming it's my manager I get up and open the door. Who I see almost has me too stunned to speak but it's you. You're standing in the door way, soft smile on your face and before I know what I'm doing I'm inviting you inside. You sit down and you ask if we can talk.
If I'm being honest I don't know if I can get any words out. I stand for a moment looking at you wide eyed. I accept.
And you start with the words I have always longed to hear,
"I'm sorry"