Formula Short Stories And Stuff

LS You

I held on tightly as he clung to my chest. Scared by all the noise and movement and people pushing past. As much as it was nerve wracking I still missed the smell of petrol and the buzz in the air. I missed Grand Prix season.
   It had been a while since my last one. I hoped no one would remember my face, it's not like I was anyone to really remember but I had been to a couple during that time in my life. During the Lance months.
    That time in my life was a whirlwind of chaos and lust and excitement only to end in pain and heartbreak and despair.
   I thought we were gonna last forever. That night we met in a bar in Texas. He had just finished in the points at the Austin GP and I had closed a huge case for the firm. Just two people out celebrating success and smiles on their faces that could light up the night.
   His gorgeous brown eyes and dark hair drew me in and his smile, so perfectly imperfect and beautiful. His eyes closed when he laughed and his eyebrows could tell you each emotion and expression he was feeling. He held onto his glass with his hand. Such strong and steady hands but so gentle and comforting. He looked at me across the bar and raised his glass smiling and winking at me with a small finger wave. I couldn't help but to smile back at him and lift my glass in the air to him as-well. I hoped that whatever he was celebrating was going to bring him happiness for a long time. A man that handsome deserves to always have a smile plastered across his face. I turned back to my friends and sipped my drink. Him living on the front row of my brain absolutely rent free.
      A friend of mine who was sitting with us had been watching the whole time. Her eyes followed my gaze to a gorgeous smile and a fit body and her brain started to churn with ideas. When we both turned our attention back to our own groups and didn't make a move to go to meet each other, she excused herself and told everyone she was going to refill her drink. We didn't think much of it until she came back with the man in tow and a huge smile on her face as she sat down and introduced us to Lance Stroll.
   Even his name was sexy and I sweat just thinking about looking at him when we were so close but I slowly looked up at him to see him smiling back at me.
"Is this seat taken?"
I shrugged and shook my head "no, but you don't have to sit by me it's okay"
"Well I wouldn't want to sit by anyone else" he grinned and sat down next to me.
   His body heat radiated off himself and his smile made my stomach somersault. My friends and coworkers asked him a little about himself and he answered politely. I felt a tap on my shoulder to look up and see my friend give me a wink and a thumbs up. She mouthed "talk to him" and I whispered back "no thanks". But apparently I didn't whisper as quiet as I thought I did because everyone turned their eyes to look at me.
"What?" He looked confused and my cheeks got as red as a perfectly ripe cherry.
"Oh nothing. My friend was talking to me and I was just responding" I muttered out, looking down at the table.
"Secrets secrets are no fun, unless they are for everyone" one of my coworkers chanted.
The rest of the table laughed as my cheeks only got more red.
"She just asked if I wanted another drink" I stuttered out, lying through my teeth.
"No I didn't. I told Paige to grow some and talk to the handsome man next to her that she has been glancing over at all night. I didn't get up to go get him for you for nothing" my friend spoke proudly.
As Lance's eyes widened, so did everyone else around the table. I was mortified. Stuck to my chair and my head was getting dizzy.
Clara had always been a very straightforward person which is why I liked her as a friend. I knew where I stood with her and there was never any bullshit. But in moments like this, her honesty was not what I wanted.
I quickly stood up out of my seat and sprinted to the exit. I weaved through the people and ran through the door out into the night. I stopped at the crosswalk just down a block from the place and put my hands on my knees. I finally took some deep breaths thinking I was in the clear, when a big hand gripped my shoulder. I jumped about 20 feet in the air with a scream, only to turn around and see Lance there with a smile on his face and his hair a little messy from what I assume is running after me.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you like that. Are you okay? Why did you run?" He asked while still holding my shoulder for comfort.
"Just embarrassed and it's fine I scare easy so it's not just you" I shrugged, mumbling quietly.
"What's there to be embarrassed about? I came over to the table with your friend to talk to you." He smiled. A big and cute goofy grin spread across his face.
"I guess just that she said it out loud. I love Clara's honesty sometimes but in situations like that, it's kinda embarrassing." I sighed, looking down at my feet.
"I'm kinda glad she said something actually. I wanted to talk to you but when I came over I was nervous you didn't want to talk to me with the way you kinda shut down" he adds, pulling my chin up to look at him.
"I did want to talk to you and I would like to think I would be brave enough but sometimes I get to overwhelmed and nothing comes out." I sigh again.
"Well let's start again. Hi I'm Lance Strulovitch. I'm 23, I like snowboarding and I'm not the best at dancing. If I put my mind to it I can eat a whole large pepperoni pizza and I also like dogs." He holds his hand out for me to shake.
"Hi I'm Paige Turner, I'm 22, and I like reading books, collecting pens and I'm not very good at singing. My favorite food is green grapes and I like dogs too. But mostly the bigger ones." I shake his hand back.
Our fingers meet first and it feels like what I assume being a firework is like. Warmth starting first and then a slow burn in your stomach and then a giant massive explosion with color and joy and life.
After he walked me home that night we got each others numbers and it was non stop texting for months. He would come to see me when he could and when I eventually found out his job I would sneak into formula one races dressed as a team member or a fan. We kept our relationship for us. He was scared I would be overwhelmed with the hate and the intensity of the fans and I wanted him to be able to focus on his job without worrying about me or spending time with me over his duties during race weekends.
In our year together I watched him eat many a pepperoni pizza and he took me to the humane society's to play with the dogs. The moments I liked best though was when we would be sitting on the couch or in bed and it was quiet and I would be reading and he would be on his phone or computer either watching something or doing work and it was silent. But it didn't feel silent. Neither of us had to say anything but just being beside each other was enough. It was always enough.
One day though we were sitting on the couch and he turned to me and said
"Love, I think I want to announce us publicly. I want to be able to tell the world I'm dating you and that we love each other and hold your hand in the paddock and kiss you after podiums and hold you when I DNF and be able to hold you on my arm for the world."
I sat silently for a moment. Thinking. He knew I didn't really want to go public. I suffered enough with the situation we were in. Fans didn't know I was with him and most of the team didn't either but the stress of the paddock was enough on me even without having a bit of the spotlight. I saw the hate and cruelty the other girlfriends got and I knew how wonderful these women were in person even if they didn't know I was not just a fan. They were so strong and beautiful and I wasn't like that.
"I don't know Lance. I know you want to tell the world about us but I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I can do it. I can't deal with the hate and the attention and I don't want to yet. I'm sorry" I gave him a small smile as if to tell him I was sorry.
He nodded but I could tell it hurt him. I knew he wanted to be public and the fact is I just wasn't strong enough.
"I know you say you aren't ready for the spotlight or the attention but you are the most amazing person I have ever met and I'll be there with you through everything. The hate is from people jealous of you and I know it's hard not to let it get to you but I'll be there to help you. I get it too you know. I'm not the most beloved in the paddock either." He chuckled grabbing my hands.
" I know Lancelot, but I don't think it's right for me right now. I don't think I can do it." I look into his eyes and can only see pain. I wanted nothing more than to shout from the rooftops that I was with him and loved him but I was too scared.
"I know you can. I believe in you and I want you too. I love you and I want people to know" he pleaded with his words and his eyes but I couldn't meet his state anymore.
"I know Lance and maybe you need to be with someone who you can show off. Someone who is okay with being seen and wants to be public with you like that. I'm sorry but that isn't me." I let a small tear fall silently as it hit my thigh.
"Please. I want it to be you. I really want it to be you." He begged.
And in that moment, hearing his voice and feeling his touch there was a moment where I wanted to tell him yes. A moment where I wanted to hold him and tell him I could be that and more for him and that loving him did not scare me. But I didn't. Instead I stayed quiet and did what I do best. I ran. I pulled my hands back and shut down in front of him.
"I'm sorry Lance, you deserve better." I said coldly. I got off the couch and walked into his room. I grabbed a bag and started to throw my belongings into it while he sat stunned on the couch for a moment before quickly jumping up to try and stop me.
"Please. Don't leave. Stop leaving Paige. You always do this, you run when it gets scary. You did it the first time we met and you're doing it again. You're scared of your feelings and your scared about us. You're scared about loving me and you're running. You can't keep running. We don't have to go public yet, I'm sorry for bringing it up but please stop running." He ran to try and get in front of my but I slipped by him into the bathroom to grab a few things before going to the door and sliding my shoes on and into my coat.
"Lance I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
And that was the last thing I had said to him. I deleted and unfollowed him on everything. Not wanting to feel the hurt and pain if I would see him on my timeline or a text come through asking to try again and talk. But after awhile it stopped. I would check in on race results sometimes and my heart would break when I would see him not perform well, knowing he was talented but stuck in a place that couldn't show all his potential. I got upset hearing and seeing people say he wasn't worthy of a spot and that he had bought his seat. What people forget is that racing takes money and he was just lucky enough to not have to find as many sponsors and was blessed with good teams and coaches growing up. Good materials and a foot in the door. But those things didn't take away from his talent and money can't buy instinct and intelligence, and those are things Lance surely had. With or without money.
Not long after breaking up I fell sick. Throwing up regularly and binge eating late at night. I'm the following weeks I found out I was pregnant and it could only be Lance's. But again I grew fearful. Scared he wouldn't want to deal with this or thinking I was with him so he could pay for this child and that I was trying to lock him down and trap him so I didn't tell him. I felt guilt and anxiety and would have days debating whether or not to tell him. He deserved to know he had a child in the world but I had already hurt him and I didn't want to now burden him with a child he didn't plan for.
Months later he was born. The most perfect piece of life I had ever seen. With Lance's dark eyes and his thick dark brown hair. Olive and golden skin and chubby cheeks. He was perfect. But as I held him I felt guilt. It felt wrong to have not told Lance. To have not even given him an option to be in this child's life. In his child's life. As Maddox grew a little I battled with the idea of telling Lance. And if I would tell him how would I tell him. When Maddox turned 5 months old I decided Lance deserved to know. He didn't have to be in his life, in our life but he did deserve to know. I bought tickets to the Austin Grand Prix and even thought every part of me tried to stop myself I did it anyway. Now to find a way to talk to Lance. Since a lot of the team didn't know about us it would be hard to reach out and ask to get to the paddock to see him. I knew it was a shot in the dark since we had only met once but I knew I had to try. I had to try for Maddox and for Lance's sake so I thought about how I had met Lance's sister, Chloe once or twice and prayed she remembered me. I found her profile and began to write a message.
Dear Chloe,
I know this is sudden and out of the blue but I'm doing this for my son and only for him. I know you only met me once or twice but Lance and I had something together and when we split I found out I was pregnant with his son. It was some of the most frightening and exciting times of my life and I never was going to tell Lance but I feel like it's only fair he deserves to know. I'm scared, more than scared, I'm terrified but as much as I wanted to keep this to myself and protect myself and my son from the pain this may cause us, I know it could also be a good thing for him. And maybe give me some closure aswell.
I am planning on going to the Austin Grand Prix and I know it's a lot to ask but do you think there is a way you can get me into the paddock to talk with Lance privately? If not I understand.
Best Paige Turner.