I lay on my side facing the wall.
Knowing what's behind me.
Knowing what's to come.
I part my lips and mouth why I, but no words can escape, forever stuck staring at the wall.
I get up and it seems like no one can notice it growing behind me. I want to tell someone but my words are jumbled and when I finally work up the courage I shatter inside.
My glassy, tear-filled eyes were no match for it. I get tired of the looming it does over me and I stop caring, but not just over it.
All of a sudden I realize nothing matters and that's when its power is the strongest, when I can't get out of my bed, or I get thirds on deserts I'll regret, even when I'm alone and I trace the scars that it put on me.
I know I've reached a low point when I'm smiling everywhere except when I'm alone.
It drains me of my happiness and drags me farther into a spiral and all I can do is apologize to everyone around me who doesn't understand.
When they don't understand the mental and physical pain I'm in and they expect me to explain, there is nothing to explain. I don't feel what others have felt, no, I'm not them or who I was expected to be.
You wanted your good grades and perfectionist attitude and I have given it till the point I surrendered to the darkened that it has put in my heart time and time again.
Maybe in comparison, my issues weren't bad but it amplified all of it and I never got the opportunity to cope with it.
The expectations I have set for myself have slowly faltered and worn down.
I toss and turn struggling to get out of bed, wondering how much time has passed just to realize it's not the same day anymore.
When did it start? When did it come back?
I didn't want it. Every few minutes it releases me from its claws and I think I'm about to escape.
I climb toward the light slowly and steadily but I fall. When I do it's hard and it leaves me crying and broken. Then it comes to watch me struggle until I stop.
I reach out for someone but everyone is in front of me and can't hear my internal screams that are being refused a way out.
I stay still knowing if rather be with it than alone.
