Heart Out

Early Morning Watching

George's POV

After Matty fell asleep I just watched him laying there for a while he looks peaceful when he sleeps I know I've only know him a day but by god does he look like the first time he's been at peace with himself since the first Snapchat I got. I take the time to just study his face. He fell sleep wearing his glasses but I felt bad keeping him up but I'm sure he'll take them off if he does wake. His tight curls falling across his face make him look really young and he's buried under his covers and he looks so cozy under there. I can't say the same for myself it's so cold in this room it always is. It's not that late it's only about nine so I just busy myself with anything and everything, He lets out a little content noises every now and again which makes me smile. I really wish I knew how to help him. He really seems like he's having a hard time.

I take out my phone and decide that maybe a few hours of Netflix will surifice and maybe I can get some sleep too. I stick on family guy just to occupy myself. Finally starting on the snacks I brung up. I don't get that hungry after smoking not as bad as I used to so maybe I did take up to much but hey ho there's more for another time. I watch about two episodes and get through a few chocolate bars before I hear movement on his end I look up from my phone and it doesn't look like he is there. In the light of his room I can't really see but I assume he's gotten up to use the bathroom. Then I hear it drowned out retching from another room I really hope that's not him and if it is I really wish I could be there to help .
All I can do is wait for him to come back.

After a few minutes , more light seeps through the screen and I hear a tired small voice "Maffu. I had a nightmare". The small voice was trembling and had been crying. I then hear Matty his voice even further away a little less clear but I make it out "Hold on a minute Kiddo" that was quickly followed by more retching. "Are you okay Maffu , do you need me to get Mummy?" .

"No Kiddo it's okay , mummy isn't here right now". I hear a door open quickly and the patter of small feet going across the room. I don't quite know what's going on but I do hear some of the conversation something about nightmares and the kid asking if he can have a story. I hear Matty agree. The light that was slightly engulfing the room then disappearing slowly.

After sometime Matty comes back and into the room and over to his bed "Everything okay". He jumps at the sound of my voice I guess having forgot he asked me to stay. "Sorry didn't mean to startle you". He puts on his bedside lamp and slides his hands down his face.
"No it's okay don't worry about it, Sorry if I woke you"

"I haven't slept yet it's only like ten o'clock, Is everything okay though?"

"Yeh, Louie had a nightmare so I just went to help him get back to sleep and read him a story". He smiles at me, looking at me through his long eyelashes

"And before that ?". I probably shouldn't have brung it up but it's done now.
"Just my stomach acting up again, it's nothing to worry about"

"Have you been sick for long?"

"Few days I guess, but it's getting better, I think"

"How are you dealing with it, it doesn't sound like it's okay?"

"I get like this sometimes, Im used to it , I think it's just stress and all that". He waves it off like it's okay and that I shouldn't worry but I think I should be worried
"Does it happen more often than it should ?"

"I don't know, I really don't". He lays back down properly and throws an arm over his eyes "do mind if I turn the light back off my heads killing me bro"

"No, go ahead, it's okay, can I ask you something , it might be personal but you don't have to answer". I wait for him to get comfortable again back in the position he was in before with his arm over his face "Sure go ahead"

I straighten up a little bit as the question might come across rude if I don't ask it right and I've never been good at expressing myself correctly "Do you uh...Do you, have you ever had really low mental health like has it ever gotten to a point you didn't want to be here?"

"I mean....uh...I've maybe always felt like that but not ALL the time I suppose...I have really bad mood swings sometimes but...it's not always there". I can see him really thinking about it trying to come up with a reasonable answer "I mean yeh but I'm 17 who doesn't at my age for whatever reason?"

"Do you feel that way now?" again it's personal but I really need to know if I should be worried and How much help he really needs at this point.

"Um ...I uh , maybe a little bit". He pauses for a moment removing his arm from his face and looks at me directly "I honestly just feel like I'm losing my damn mind and I can't stop it or shut it up or calm it down, literally it's just spiralling man , I don't know what's going on anymore"

"I'm sorry Matty". The tears are falling down his face now "I know you called me to be distracted and maybe not be in your head for a while but I promise I'm going to do anything I can to get you feeling yourself again"

"I don't even care about being myself right now , I just want to feel safe in my own head honestly"

"Does anyone else know?"

"I did have a chat with my Head of Year before I left , it wasn't a big chat and it wasn't that serious but she wants to talk more tomorrow so I might be going back into counselling I suppose". He shrugs just as he says that and I really hope I didn't upset him. "Would you like to get some more sleep, I can stay on and try sleep too ?"

"That would be great thank you". I know that the conversation was pretty serious but I know it can take a lot out of someone when your speaking the truth and he really must be tired so offering to let him sleep is the least I can do and I want to do anything I can to keep him safe now

"Goodnight Matty , I'll be right here if you need anything"

"Goodnight Georgie , thanks for being here tonight" he smiles at me one last time before we pull the covers around ourselves and wave at each other in the camera as we both try to sleep