Heart Out

Texting Janey

Matty's POV

I had to leave the call , I want to spend as much time with George as I can but if he finds out what I did I know he'll just disappear forever and that can't happen. I wasn't planning on it to begin with I swear but I found it in my drawer when I got home I'd forgotten I'd got it from a guy at a party a few weeks back and didn't use it but I just saw it earlier and everything came flooding back after singing that song for George and I thought it would calm me down and it did but now I feel like death.

I hear my phone go off in my pocket, a text alert, I'm sat on the bathroom floor again and just open it.

"Are you alright love x" , trust George to care and check up on me like that, he's so lovely what a gem he is. I don't know what to say though because I am alright my brain is empty but I also feel like I could just pass out any minute.

"Just feel a bit dizzy is all Georgie , just trying to settle down a bit , I might just need some sleep x", that might be okay, I can't have him worrying about me not when I'm under the influence because I will just say and that's not right. The light from my phone is the only thing lighting up the room as I didn't turn the light on but even this light is making me feel like I might throw up. So I put it on the floor face down and sit for a bit just drowning out everything around me. I contemplated laying down on the floor it's cool down there. It's weird you know this stuff makes my brain feel so empty and everything just feels light but I also feel like if I move , everything I've drank or eaten today is going to come right back up , not that it was much. Once I've contemplated life for a bit I get up and make my way back to the comfort of my bed. I'm going to call George back I think I need too I won't sleep if he's not there

"Can I call back now ?" , he texts back immediately

"Go ahead love x" with that I pick up my laptop and call him straight back and get comfy but being sure to be slow with it. He answers and he looks a little stressed

"You okay darlin ?"

"Yeh I'm alright love was just worried about you is all, I know you told me you were alright but I still worry about you", he's in his bed now too all wrapped up and I really hope he hasn't been crying , that's what it looks like.

"I didn't upset you did I ?" Im searching his eyes to make it out better. I never meant for this to happen. This was the opposite of what I wanted.

"Nah todays just been weird like you said your tired , I probably am too, do you feel better"

"Not really but if I just lay down I'll be alright, do you wanna try sleep , I know I'll sleep better with your company", I'm still trying to pay full attention so I don't miss anything I can't have him upset, he's my light , I want to keep him that way.

" I'd love that", when he smiles at me his eyes light up and his face fills up blushing like I knew it would. God how did I find this actually Greek god, I can't be this lucky. "Good night love I'm right here if you need me you know don't feel bad if you need to wake me"

"Same to you , I'm always here darlin, sleep tight , sweet dreams", I watch him close his eyes and melt into the duvet, he's so beautiful, This would be something I'd have been up all night talking to Janey about this one guy that I'd found that took my breath away every time I saw them. She's the only one I'd told properly that I may like boys too , we'd have been up all night just talking. So I know she'd love to know she'd be watching down on me right now telling me to sort my shit out and learn to be open.

I take my phone out and text her , this is something I do when I know she'd want to know, knowing I could just speak my mind to her , not that I'd get a reply but getting my words out it's like a little diary log.

"Hey JayJay it's been a while since I texted you last , I think the last one was when I'd started having panic attacks, they haven't gotten that much better but I've found someone to help me, he's wonderful if I do say so myself. He's got blonde hair just a little mess on top of his head. Dark eyes , you'd fuckin love, and Jesus Christ his voice is deep as fuck right. He helps me a lot , like I don't know why he wants too but I'm so grateful, I'm sure you and the guys would love him, he's like the missing link we were always looking for. Also I know what you'd say I need to sort my shit out and just cheer up but I'm trying honestly everything is just so hard right now, and don't even come at me okay I'm trying , I went to school ALL day today that's something I haven't done that in at least two weeks according to McDonald and Squizz , but I've done it today and that's all on George I wanna make him proud and happy. I think I might give it a go yanno. Take Shia LaBeoufs advice and just do it , I know you'll like that reference, Lou misses you too kids so confused ay but yeh I hope your doing okay up there lovey and having a party

I love you JayJay ❤️"