Boarding School - Phan

5. I can't sleep

......

"Dan? Please just say something."

Dan had no reaction. He just lost himself in Phil's perfect eyes. His heart was happy for 1 second, but then he got scared as hell. He already had his suspicions, but it was harder when it was real. He wished Phil was gay, but he also wished Phil wasn't. Because if Phil was gay, he had a chance with him... And if he had a chance with him, he would have to face his fears, his secrets, he would have to admit that he had those feelings.

Now, if Phil WASN'T gay, he would never be brave enough to tell him how he truly felt, and with time he could forget about it and they would be just friends. Maybe.

Suddenly he fell hard in reality.

"Sorry Phil. I just-"

- Phil interrupted. "I'm so sorry Dan. I should have waited some more time" - He covered his face with his hands. He was so adorable and perfect, even though he was blushing and feeling ashamed, like if he had told Dan that he had done something terrible, like being gay was the worst sin.

They were sitting on the ground, next to phil's bed, where they normally sat to play video games.

"No, Phil!!! Please I didn't mean to make you feel bad!" Dan took phil's hand off his face, but he kept looking down.

"There's no problem. I don't care about your sexuality." He continued quickly. Phil looked at him straight in the eyes. Oh god he was so perfect.

"Are you serious, Dan? Aren't you saying this just to make me feel better?"

"Of course I'm serious! I'd never stop talking to you or something, just because you like boys.. I'm not like the kids in your old school, I'm not like most of people here or in the universe. I'm not homophobic Phil. There's no problem at all."

Dan couldn't believe his own words - because he /bullied himself/. He didn't accept HIMSELF. Whenever he thought he /could/ like boys he would think *Stop being a freak. You're not a faggot. You don't want things in your ass. STOP!" ... So how could he accept another person when he couldn't admit HE was gay too?

Don't ask me how. He just did. He accepted Phil the way he was. Maybe because this was the first time he actually spoke to someone gay, maybe because he liked Phil too much. He just genuinely accepted Phil and saw no problem with that.- Oops, just one problem... That made he like Phil even more, because now he knew Phil could like him back.

"Thank you Dan. You don't know how much it means to me.. When I told PJ, Alex and Chris their reactions weren't as good as yours. I'm lucky you're my friend, I really like you - but don't worry.. just as a friend!" - Phil smiled.

*Just as a friend...* Oh wow that hurt.

"Seriously? What did they say?"

"They told me they were confused and needed to think about it, and after 2 days or something they were crying saying they were sorry, and that they would never stop being my friend because of that. But I won't lie, those 2 days they weren't talking to me, I almost died from sadness!"

"I guess you just have the best friends ever.." Dan joked

"I do indeed"

Both laughed.

Dan was trying to act normal.. Like it wasn't big deal

And he did it for one more week.

During that week, Dan's feelings started getting really annoying. Knowing Phil was gay changed everything. He didn't know what to do. He felt like he needed a friend, someone to give him advice, but he wasn't brave enough to tell anyone.