MELANCHOLY [S.T. B. Hargrove]

19

It was over.

The Mind Flayer was out of Will. Eleven closed the gate.

It was two in the morning when Max and I made it to the Hargrove house. Billy was sitting on the porch.

"I want you to go straight to your room, all right?" I ask Max, parking Billy's car.

"But-"

"Max," I call. "This isn't up for debate. Go to your room."

Max nods and unbuckled her seat belt. "Hey.. Rocky..?"

"Yeah?" I ask.

Max smiles softly. "Thank you. For helping. For staying. For coming back.. just.. All of it."

I purse my lips and pat her leg. "Anytime. Except for anytime in the future. It's over now and we're never thinking about it again, all right?"

"Agreed," she huffs and opens the door. "And.. I'm sorry. For what I said. I was just angry."

"I know, mija," I assure. "Go to bed."

Max and I get out of the car and she hurries past Billy and inside the house. Billy stands and walks over to me with a bag in his hands.

"Here," I hold his car keys out to him.

He takes the keys and shoves them in his pocket.

"Here," he holds the bag out to me.

I tilt my head as I take the bag. Then, I see it was mine.

"Billy-"

"You should leave," he states, cold.

I pull my lips into a line and look down at the ground in shame.

This was the plan. This is what I wanted. For my sake and his. This was the safest way.

Then, why did it hurt so badly?

"About earlier.." I take a deep breath.

"Forget about it. It was nothing."

He was shutting down. Shutting me out.

"It wasn't nothing," I deny. "Not to me."

I didn't have the strength to tell him that to me, that was everything.

"You have two minutes to leave or I'm telling him you're here."

"What?" I ask, surprised.

He was going to tell Neil? Neil would flip his shit.

"So.." Billy leans forward. "Leave. And don't ever come back."

Today was the most stressful day of my life. I was so tired. I just felt like finding a dark hole and crying. Well.. maybe not a hole. That might just give me PTSD to being in those tunnels.

"Everything is just.. I can explain," I struggle.

"Two minutes. If you don't have a damn good reason, I want you out of here. Understand?"

Where do I start?

Billy, I love you? I'm sorry for being so blind about my feelings for our entire lives? 

By the way, I missed our date and left you on the side of the road because there's another dimension under Hawkins that is called the Upside Down and I nearly died like thirty times today?

Joyce and Bob.

Joyce's wish that she never told Bob.

Bob's death.

Max's words about seeing it through.

I was a part of this now. 

If I told Billy.. he'd be a part of it, too.

I would rather Billy hate me while alive than love me and die.

I couldn't live in a world Billy wasn't in. But.. could I walk away again? Even if he was still standing.. if I went through with it, he'd be a stranger to me.

I look up at him again.

His eyes were hard at first. When we meet eyes, they turn soft. Like he was begging me to give a good reason and not walk away.

Billy Hargrove.. I love you. I'm doing this for you.

"I'm sorry," I bow my head and swallow the lump in my throat.

Billy slams his hand against the porch and storms inside. I flinch when he slams the door shut.

I couldn't even watch him walk away.

It took me a while until I get the strength to force my feet to move. I pull my backpack around my shoulder and walk away. I touch the car as I leave.

Billy, I love you. But, I can't let you love me. 

I'm so sorry.

I walked down the road and to the only other place I could think to go.

The whole walk there, I cried and mentally sent prayers to Billy, telling him how much I loved him.