MELANCHOLY [S.T. B. Hargrove]

44

"Rocky, hey," Dustin greets, surprised as I storm through the cafeteria.

"What.. Since when.." Mike stumbles over his words.

I never sat around in the cafeteria. But, I knew this would be the easiest way to find who I was looking for.

"Get up," I order Eddie.

"Me? Little ol' me?" Eddie questions.

"We need to talk, let's go," I urge.

"I was just telling my little sheep here that I-"

"'86 is your year and you're gonna flip off the principal when you get your diploma. Yeah, whatever. You practiced that speech in the mirror for three days," I jerk his jacket to force him out of his chair. "Now, let's go!"

I keep a grip on Eddie's jacket the whole way through the cafeteria and outside. Once we make it to a spot no one else was at, Eddie crosses his arms.

"Look, I just-" I begin.

"I'm not selling to you, Racquel," he shoots down immediately.

"God," I sigh, holding my hands up to his chest. "Eddie.. Just.. listen, okay? Hear me out-"

"Last time I sold to you, you overdosed. I'm not gonna sell to you and let you try and kill yourself again, Racquel."

Desperation makes my hands tremble and I shake my head. "I've had a really rough first day back, Eddie. So, please, just-"

"Racquel," he calls. "You took advantage of things last time and got yourself put in the hospital for three months. You just got out."

Eddie was one of Elaine's buddies from a long time ago. Elaine.. I wasn't even sure where she went. I think I lost her amidst my grief.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself!" I defend. "I.. Eddie.. Please."

Eddie rubs his lips together and shakes his head.

"Look, that prick Jason was in there talking shit and everyone keeps looking at me, I can't fucking focus and I.. I just.." I pant out a few breaths. "Eddie.."

"I'm sorry, Racquel," Eddie whispers. "But, I'm not gonna be held responsible if you overdose again and something happens."

Anger bubbles up and explodes out of me. I kick the bicycle stand beside me, sending the rack crooked and a few bikes to the ground.

A sob retches from my mouth and I crouch to the ground. Eddie sighs and bends to one knee, patting my back awkwardly.

"I.. I'm sorry," he whispers.

I shove his hand off me and stand up.

"Racquel!" Eddie calls.

I storm down the parking lot to Billy's car. Before anyone could stop me or say anything, I speed off away from the school.

--

I sat in the junkyard for an hour just crying in Billy's car.

Then, I got my shit together and got out to begin looking at the scrap.

Billy's car was still heavily damaged from last year. I would come to the junkyard once a week or so- the same one Steve, the kids, and I were at when I saw the first monster, and scavenge for car parts to try and fix Billy's car.

It'd been a long eight months. It felt like eight years. Some days, it felt like I'd only lost Billy eight hours ago.

The pain was strange.

It would appear so brutally. It never got easier. I more so just adjusted to having it in my soul.

Then, just as I got used to the new pain level, it would grow stronger. The cycle would repeat, a harder pain, adjustment, greater pain, adjustment, a blowing ache, adjustment.. and even stronger.