MELANCHOLY [S.T. B. Hargrove]

42

A fire.

The cover up story this time was that the mall had a fire due to fireworks.

I drag myself up the steps of the house. I take a deep breath and knock.

I close my eyes as I wait.

I imagine Billy's music blaring from inside the house.

The door opens.

"Racquel.." Neil speaks.

My biggest fear was this man.

The only reason I feared him so much was because I awaited the day he'd take the love of my life away from me.

Now.. Billy was dead. And I was face to face with Neil.

"You heard the news," Neil sighs.

I force my eyes open. More tears drip down my face. I hadn't stopped crying in two days. I just got back from the hospital where they had me set up to an IV to replenish me.

"I.. I just wanted to say.." I pause.

Neil sighs and leans against the doorframe. I could tell his patience was already wearing thin from the five seconds I've been here.

"I wanted to say that.." I try again.

"Come on, now," Neil complains. "You show up to my door after my son is killed and-"

"I blame you," it flies out of my mouth.

"Excuse me?" Neil questions.

My knees lock and the muscles strain, sending sharp pains through my limbs.

"The hurt.. the fear. Billy suffered a lot. He was in a lot of pain. And.. for that.. I blame you."

Neil scoffs at my words.

"I love Billy. I always have."

Neil leans forward a bit more.

"As a friend. As a brother. As a person. As a soulmate," I gulp down more tears. "Billy.. Billy was the love of my life."

"Were you two-"

"And Billy was my other half," I cut him off.

Anxiety creeps along my neck.

"You hurt him. So, you hurt me. You broke him.. So, you broke me."

Neil crosses his arms.

I sharply gasp in a breath, choking a few sobs out.

"But.. I.. I want to say that even though I will always blame you.. I forgive you."

"Forgive?"

"You don't deserve it. For Billy.. on his behalf.. for the years of hell you put him through.." I sniffle and wipe my tears. "I forgive you. For his sake. And I hope that you can finally realize what you did. How much you hurt him. And I hope the reminder tortures you each and every day until you take your final breath. So then, you'll get a snippet as to what you did to Billy."

My hands shake and I try to wipe my face free of tears again.

Fear. Heartbreak. Anger. Hatred. Terror.

"And I hope that you miss him more than I do. Because I hope that the pain slowly kills you with each day he's not here."

I imagine Billy walking down the hall, putting a stop to my words.

"I hope you suffer. And I hope you hate yourself.." my words fall short as more whimpers break from my lips. "I hope Billy haunts you and you forever have to deal with the shit you did."

My chest screams in pain. it was like acid was running through my bloodstream at a constant pace.

"Because you.. you hurt the most important person in the world to me. You scared him. You damaged him. And through all that, I loved him more than you could ever imagine."

It was hard to breathe. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and force in a breath that takes two quick beats.

"I blame you for it all.. But, I forgive you," I state my sentiment.

I find Neil's eyes again. He had tears, but his face remained hard and cold.

"I love Billy. And Billy loved me. No matter what you said or did. You couldn't stop that. You still can't."

Neil ducks into the house.

I break even more, bending over and sobbing out loud. My chest drums. My stomach churns. My swollen eyes force more tears out of them and my body shakes so badly that I was convulsing wildly.

Usually when I cried, everything would go numb. This pain.. I felt every agonizing millisecond of it.

How was I ever going to be okay after this? How could I even try to carry the pain? It was never-ending. It looped like a cycle.

Neil steps back to the door. He holds his hand out to me.

"I want you off of my property in ten seconds or else," he warns, dropping a set of keys into my hand. "I'm only giving you ten for Billy's sake."

I look at the keys carefully. They were Billy's car keys.

"It's still being held by police. It's yours. But, only if you get the hell away from my house and never contact my family again."

I take a step back off the porch.

"Leave," Neil demands. "Now."

I pull my hood over my head and walk down he driveway and get into my car. I never look back.