This is all a joke. I hate kyman SO MUCH it's like the worst fucking ship ever dude. I've also never written a fanfiction in my life so this is a first for me.
my friend told me to write this, so this is why this exists.
If you genuinely like Kyma...
Jesus fucking christ I'm done for. I'm gay, a homosexual, one of those queer people, and now I'm going to hell. But not literal hell I just mean whatever the fuck is happening right now because I couldn't control my stupid ass hormones I'm done for, no more Cartman (which is probably a good thing)
Cartman just stares at me. "Uhm.." I feel really awkward, it feels like I'm suffocating. I'm not even thinking when I suddenly feel two hands grab my shoulders and pull me down. Have you ever seen a orca or whatever pull a seal down into the water suddenly? I feel like that seal right now. Cartman and orcas have a lot alike actually. They're both big, fat, and torture their pray before killing them. Well Cartman doesn't kill people.. He usually just manipultes others into killing someone for him. Uhm.
I don't like the feeling of his blubber touching me.
"Cartman?!" I screamed, I couldn't help it. He pulled me into a tight hug, his arms are too fucking fat for me to escape. I literally can feel each skin folds. Im suffocating holy shit. I feel like I should be feeling happy, overjoyed, I don't know. But I don't? I feel disgusting really, I need a bath when I get home. I could just leave right now, both of my parents are working..
"Kettle, why did you kiss me..." I hear Cartman say. I got lost in my thoughts and forgot this weird ass situation I'm in. he doesn't sound mad. I wish that he was mad so I'd just get cursed at and get to leave. "I uhm.." I don't know what to say.
I get up (which took a couple minutes of struggling) and pushed Cartman's fat arms off of me and get the hell out of there. I don't wanna be in his smelly room anymore. I can see his whole underwear pile in the corner, it grosses me out. I'm such an idiot. My whole my I've "liked" Cartman in a gay way. But did I? Now that I actually did something I don't feel anything. Was I caught in my own delusions and forcing myself to like Cartman? No. Why would I do that to myself..?
10 minutes later
I'm finally home, thank god I'm greeted to an empty home. It would've sucked total balls if I was caught skipping. I go to my room, even though I'm hungry and dehydrated I don't care. I just wanna sleep the day away and not deal with whatever stupid choices I made today.
Well first I should actually take off my shoes, jacket, hat.. Everything, I should just change into my pajamas! It's not like I plan on going out for the rest of the day. I eventually finish changing, which took a good 2 or so minutes.
But now that I'm changed I still don't feel comfortable enough to sleep. After being in a room that belonged to a pile of sludge. I felt unclean. I have to shower, which sucks because this dirtiness has already infected the pajamas I'm wearing. I could just quickly take them off and put them on after showering but then I'd be putting that dirtiness back onto me after I'm freshly clean!
I go to my drawer to grab another set of pajamas, it's a matching set because I realized the currently ones in wearing aren't matching. The whole matching thing really doesn't matter but it just makes me feel better, I don't know.
I grab my towel and an assortment of other products I need for my shower routine.
3 hours later
I'm finally done showering, I did my whole face routine and my hair is nice and clean, it's a bit damp but that's whatever. I have my matching pajamas and everything is okay! It's like earlier never happened. Earlier.. God dammit.
I get back to my room and throw all my clothes into the dirty clothes basket in the corner of my room. Ew I just touched these dirty clothes with my clean hands.. Whatever. I just wanna sleep.
I go to my bed and plop down onto it. I feel one of the springs mildly stab my side, I'll have to talk to dad about that later. I'm too tired to deal with it or try to fix it. I instantly pass out, just like throwing a baby at a rock. Well in that situation the baby doesn't necessarily pass out. It dies. Close enough.
.
...
......
Dude.. I'm literally in an oven right now jesus christ. It's hot, really fucking hot. But the outside that I can barely see through the oven door looks like.. Mcdonalds land? Suddenly im tumbling around the oven, down the oven? I don't know.
The door opens, there's a big flappy plump purple blob thing, Grimace? But his face is uglier. Cartman Grimace???? Suddenly the superhero rainbow egg with the powers of women's health products comes in and smacks Cartmace in the face. Sick. I guess I'll just sit here in this unusually big oven watching this battle. I hope the egg wins.
Griman tried to punch the egg, but since he's such a big mass he's way too slow to actually hit it in time and misses like a buffoon. This whole war is taking forever. The smurfs that potrude from the ground in the outside world come out and try to help the egg to defeat the evil beast. I think they're succeeding? Cartmace is throwing an anger tantrum now, I don't understand whatever language he's speaking but I also do at the same time? He's saying that the fight isn't fair or whatever bullshit.
I wonder why I'm in an oven in the first place, maybe the egg is saving me from my inevitable doom. Interesting.
Suddenly Stanley Marsh is sitting next to me. That's cool, he is my super best friend afterall. I look around me, there's no more oven walls or McDonalds land, what the hell. I actually was invested in the whole fight between Cartmace and the rainbow egg superhero. Now I'm in some gayass flower field with Stan next to me. I know I just kissed a boy today for the uh.. 2nd time. But that doesn't mean I wanted to be in an even gayer situation.
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(listen to treefingers by radiohead 🤗🤗)
Everything is silent mostly, besides the sound of wind making my surroundings do swooshy noises. I would be enjoying this plenty if I wasn't still disappointed about the sudden end of that batte from earlier. At least I have Stan here, although he isn't doing much. Just sitting there all peaceful an quiet. I don't mind though. This is the comfortable type of silence.
I've never noticed how rare it was for Stan to look so calm. Well it used to be not so rare than he realized how shit his family was. His alcoholic father and physically abusive sister. That's a lot of shit to deal with. At least his mother treats him well. The mild wind blows Stan's hair. Barely. He doesn't take very good care of his hair, well himself really. It's all greasy and he looks more sickly than how he was back in elementary. I sometimes forget how much smoking and alcohol affects someone. Such a shame.
