Be Mine, Always

chapter eighteen

Xander’s POV~ Six Years Ago

        She looked beautiful. 

        I stood on the balcony of her room and simply watched her for a few minutes. Her hair reflected the silver light of the moon making it look like a pale star. She wore simple pajamas, cotton shorts and a tank top to combat the summer heat, her skin creamy smooth. 

        Melody was a girl who stood out in a crowd. I still remembered what it was like seeing her for the first time. She still took my breath away whenever she walked through a door and made my heart skip a beat when she smiled. Delicate and strong, funny and smart, beautiful and kind. 

        It was clear she was nervous about our talk, even while reading, ‘I Bow To The King’, her leg shook beneath her desk and her fingers picked at any dry patch she could find on her lips, probably making them bloody. I felt like an ass for causing her so much anxiety. Not for the first time, I wondered if I was making the right decision. 

        When the thought of Melody being the one captured, it solidified my decision once more. I would talk Evan out of becoming a criminal then I’d call the cops, by the time the night was over I’d be with Melody once more, unscathed. If I told her the truth she wouldn’t even consider the repercussions of what would happen to Evan. I was trying to do two things at once and the less she knew the better. 

        With a fortifying breath, I tapped on her window, careful not to do it too loud and notify her parents. She jumped from her place, green eyes wide and a hand to her heart, she was even more on edge than I thought. She quickly unlocked the window for me and as soon as I climbed through, she threw her arms around my neck. 

        In two years there had never been more distance between us than there had been the past few days. I was feeling it and I knew she was too. She’d already expressed her worries and if the roles were reversed I’m sure I would wonder the same things. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her neck, straightening to my full height so her toes just barely touched the creme carpet. 

        Her warm vanilla scent suffused itself into my lungs and I closed my eyes. I hadn’t realized just how much distance had grown between us, feeling this hug made it all come together in my mind that I had left her out of the loop and due to that there was a canyon growing between us. How could I have done this to us? To her? 

        Tears soaked my neck as she squeezed me ever tighter and I clutched her waist, my hands splayed across her slender back. “Don’t cry, baby,” I murmured into the space between her neck and shoulder, hefting her fully against me and she wrapped her legs around my waist. 

        “I have missed you so much,” she whispered, voice heavy with emotion. 

        Fuck me, I did this. I made her cry. I peppered kisses across her skin before pulling away enough to look at her angelic face. Tears streamed down her pale cheeks and her eyes were lined with silver. “I’m so sorry.” 

        Her face softened and her hands slid into my hair. “Let me in, Xander. You’ve never shut me out before. What’s going on?” 

        My arms tightened around her waist and I leaned in to rest my forehead against hers. “I can’t, not yet. If I tell you, you’ll try to stop me.” 

        Her chest caved in and the sorrow swimming in her eyes was like a sledgehammer to my own heart. She fought to get out of my embrace but I only tightened my arms around her. “Let me go,” she rasped, pushing her hands against my chest. 

        “No.” I crushed her against me, cradling her head to my chest. 

        She sighed, angry tears poured down her face and her eyes screwed shut. “Are you doing a drug run?” 

        I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t give away anything. 

        “When?” She gritted her teeth, yanking from my arms and I let her go. 

        “Tonight, after I leave here,” I said. 

        The distance between us wasn’t even metaphorical anymore. She stood across the room from me, her hands angrily swiping at her tears. My heart ached for her, she hated the tears that always made an appearance during intense situations where she couldn’t cope with her feelings. I would’ve preferred her to yell at me, hit me, tell me that I was being an idiot. 

        “Don’t go,” she whispered, her green eyes staring down at the carpet beneath my feet and I took a step toward her only to be stopped by her hand. 

        “I have to, baby, once this is all over I will explain everything. Can’t you trust me? When have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?” I pleaded, palms up. 

        She shook her head and those eyes blazed with indignation. “The moment you decided to shut me out. I do trust you, Xander. I have always trusted you, but have you ever trusted me?” Her voice broke and she took one step toward me. “After two years you rarely let me come to your house, you never touched on the subject of your mother. Anytime you showed a more real version of you, you wanted to run and hide from me.

        “Have you ever trusted me? Because to me this is just one more thing you don’t trust me with. I’ve been there for you, but after tonight you could be a criminal. You’d turn into your dad, the man you swore, not to me, but yourself, that you wouldn’t become. Because you were worth more than that. Now you’re throwing that vow and me out the window?” She jabbed a finger into my chest. 

        Anger boiled in my veins, she couldn’t be serious. “I let you see parts of my life I never let anyone else see! I let you into this fucking nightmare that is my life! You saw the savage broken pieces of me that I never wanted a single soul to see. I let myself love you!” My voice was a passionate whisper. 

        She shoved at my chest, putting all her force behind it. “Am I not worth everything and more? Don’t I deserve to see those parts of you? To know every single piece of you? You aren’t the only one who is fucking broken, Xander! I came here a fucking shell and I let you in.” Those traitorous tears poured out of her in earnest and quiet sobs wracked her small frame and she sagged onto the edge of the mattress. 

        I knelt in front of her and stroked her arms. “I let myself love you too, Xander. I have given you everything of myself. I give myself wholly to you, all I want is for you to surrender yourself to me in return. Is that too much to ask?”  

        It wasn’t and that was the kicker. She did deserve everything and more. Melody was the most fiercely loyal person I’d ever met. It was no chore to let her see the darker sides of me. Scary as hell for sure, but she proved each time that she could be there, that she saw who I was beneath everything and loved me. When I punched my dad’s friend, when she saw my real home life, when I fucking claimed her as mine, she should’ve run for the hills. 

        But she stayed and faced the fire with nothing but compassion. 

        However, I couldn’t give her that, not right now. 

        I took her face in my hands and kissed her lips salty from her tears. “You’re right, you deserve everything and more from me,” I whispered. “But I can’t give you that tonight. After tonight I will give you everything I have.” 

        “After tonight you’ll be a criminal.” She pulled her face from my hands and turned her face away from me. 

        “I won’t, baby.” I assured her. 

        She scoffed bitterly. “Just because you won’t get caught doesn’t mean you won’t be a criminal. I want you to leave.” Never before had she ever asked me to leave. I could feel that fucking canyon yawning open even farther. 

        “I will be back later tonight and I swear, I’ll explain everything.” I stood and waited for her to say anything. She just shrugged and though the fact she was turned away from me, those tears gave away the heartbreak she felt. “I love you.” 

        “If you loved me, you wouldn’t go.” 

        I sighed and cupped her cheek, making her look at me. “I love you, Melody.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead and left before I could change my mind and beg for her forgiveness.