In Other Dimensions

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PROLOGUE

SAVANNAH'S SUICIDE NOTE TO CHARLIE

My dear, Char Charleston Charlie

May this letter find you well in these bad circumstances. I must admit when I met you I couldn't have imagined that I would be writing a letter to you specifically later on.

I admit I admire your efforts, your devotion to helping me but as we both know, as we both knew it was never meant to be.

You were never supposed to help me. You were never even supposed to talk to me, to see me.

Sometimes I'd find myself laying at night trying to figure out why.

Why were you searching for something in me?

I couldn't even tell you how many times Papa had done the same thing and come up empty. I told you. I told you to stop searching for something that isn't there. You knew nothing was there.

Why did you try talking to me?

I answered your questions. I saw the curiosity in your eyes when you asked me why. Why I wanted this... I know you answered my questions. I'm glad I got to know you the way I did before — well, you already know. I know you're probably asking yourself why I did it? Why I actually went through with it.

I can't believe you actually talked me into letting you meet my parents. (Please ignore the change of subject; while I'm writing this I can't really answer your now in mind question). I can, however, believe that they would like you. The way you started singing in front of them is now locked in my mind. I'm treasuring this memory.

When you left the next day, I went down to say goodbye. Mama couldn't stop talking about you. You charmed her — just like you charmed that god-awful snake. I can't believe you actually want one. That was when I knew we weren't meant to be. In another universe maybe if you didn't like snakes maybe then we would have been destined for each other.

Soulmates.

Maybe in a different dimension we both were snakes?

Enzo would have liked that.

You also charmed him.

Thank you, thank you so much for giving him your cap. I know how much it meant to you, but at least you now have one of mine, even though it looked better on me than it does you. (I'm lying my ass off. It fits you better. Everything always fit you better. The words I said, that you repeated fit you better. My socks fit you better. I can't believe you wanted me to fit in your future. That was the one thing we disagreed on. I was the one thing that didn't belong with you.) Don't forget to wash it. I accidentally spilt coffee on it. That's why it has those prints that you liked. At least you liked some of my accidents.

If in another dimension we somehow switched places, I think I'd do the same thing too.

I think I'd help you too.

Because to me you would be worth helping. You are worth helping.

Don't try to steal my thunder, Char.

I know you said you'd never even think of killing yourself but I guess I still worry.

You told me that you worry about your dad too much to even think of taking my way out.

I guess what I want to say with this... Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You always thought that you'd be the one to help me, but look where we ended up. I helped you finally admit to yourself that you really do care. That maybe not everything but some things do catch your heart and that you do care about it.

I knew you always cared.

I thought Ollie and everyone on your team were imbeciles for not seeing that you actually cared. That you aren't actually a not giving shit person.

You give shits.

(I hope that made you laugh, because I did imagine you giving shit to people.)

I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't apologise when it's too late to see you forgive me but I do.

I'm sorry for the tear stains. I'm sorry for that day you thought I was already gone. I heard you crying in the bathroom after you thought I was already asleep. I didn't mean to scare you. But it was a reality check. Hearing how much you really cared. How much me being gone would hurt you.

I'm sorry for ruining your shirts. For painting those whiskers that you couldn't get off for three days. (Yes, that was me.)

Tell your dad I'm sorry that I couldn't make it to any of his "meetings". I know you wanted me to experience his funny accents. Tell Bebe that I will come back for her when it's time. And believe me — I won't let anyone else take her. Only my hands will touch her fur. And I will give her kisses and snuggles even though she's not a cat.

Tell yourself that in other dimensions I would have stayed.

You are worth staying for.

You did everything right. You made me laugh when I thought I would cry. You showed me how easy, how simple it should be, how good it could be. I got a taste of it and I'm not ashamed to say I fell in love with the ease.

I did.

But then came another day and I no longer loved it.

The taste left bitterness on my tongue, I knew I was addicted. I felt alive and when I felt alive the numbness hurt even more. It overtook me. It takes me as I am. With or without consent.

I had withdrawals from you. When we slept in the same bed I was having withdrawals. I cried. I'm sorry I cried.

You were right there but I felt like I was already leaving you.

I had a dream about you.

In the dream you were the one leaving me.

I didn't like it. I was afraid it'd come true and you'd leave me before I could leave you. I thought you regretted ever choosing to help me. Every time, before meeting you I got ready for you to leave.

I told myself that it was okay. That I was going to die anyways. I didn't need to worry about it hurting as much as it would if I'd chosen to stay.

I fell in love.

I'm selfish for doing that.

I'm selfish for letting you like me. I'm selfish for wanting that kind of love from someone when I knew I would be leaving.

I'm sorry for letting you like me.

You need to know that I allowed myself to love you, the remaining days we spent together. I loved you.

I didn't realise I was falling in love the first time I saw you.

I'm starting to just write everything I can just to tell you as much as I can while I'm still here. I wish I could continue but I can't.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I know your big heart will forgive me but stay mad at me. At least for a little bit. Experience that anger. Stomp at my grave. I'll give you my written consent.

Let yourself care. It's okay to care. You showed me that yourself.

Thank you, Char Charleston Charlie, for being everything I need. A friend, a stranger, a villain, a hero, a lover, a soulmate.

I don't doubt that in every different world, in other dimensions — you and I find each other, you and I see each other for who we are.

It's my time to say goodbye.

In a dimension where I fall in love with Charlie,

Sav Savannah Hannah.