War - Battles of the Wild - The Darkened Moon

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: DIRTCLAW

 We returned back to camp during meal time.

I could see everybody turning to stare at us. 

They started to get to their feet and walk over, not saying anything until they were right in front of us. The first one to speak was Griffara.

"I see you have succeeded in your mission and I'm am proud of you three for that, but I would like to see Blackeye and Poisoneye in my den right now, we have things to discuss regarding your disappearance..." Griffara nodded to me and Mistcatcher. "I take it you two accompanied him on his rescue mission. Thank you for seeing to it that he stayed safe, but for all of our sake's I hope nothing too drastic took place."

When they disappeared into her den I licked my muzzle and walked towards the prey pile in the centre or the main area. Choosing a pheasant, I trotted over to Pandaspot and his sibling Pandastripe to lay down and eat. 

Mistcatcher joined me for a few moments, her pale coat glimmering in the light. She picks at the bird she chose from the prey pile, eyes downcast.

"...Is something wrong, Mist?" I ask, catching her gaze.

"I don't know just... missing Redwing, I guess." She looked at me for what seemed like a second and an eternity all at once, then she stood, pushing her half-eaten bird aside. "I think I'll go for a walk."

I continued eating my rat, curling my three black fox tails around myself in confusion. Did I do something wrong...? 

After I finished, I saw Poisoneye and Blackeye walk out of Griffara's den, tails draped over each other. They sat some distance away, grooming each other and talking in low voices. 

The sound of someone laying down beside me made me jolt and look over. "Oh, hey Blackwisp."

I squinted at him, silhouetted by the sun. 

"Something wrong, Dirtclaw?" he asked gruffly, looking away. "I could see you looking down from across camp."

"I'm happy but...-" I gesture toward my son and his mate -" seeing them together makes me miss her all the more." 

"Right... Birdbeak was a good clanmate. She must have been a great mate as well." Blackwisp sighed, dropping his head to his paws. "I've lost people close to me and trust me, it doesn't ever hurt less. But... life goes on. And little by little, you learn that they're gone now, yes, but more importantly, they were there. You got to meet them, spend a little of your life with them. They made your life brighter, even if only for a while. And that's what's important."  

"That was... unexpectedly profound." I scraped a claw in the dirt. "Thanks, Blackwisp. But I have to ask, who did you lose? If you're comfortable answering, anyway."

Blackwisp hesitated before answering. "My siblings. Ten years ago."

"Hm, ten years?" I thought for a second. No notable battles happened that year but... "Oh... I remember that year. The Dark Moon Winter, right?"

"...Yes. They starved that winter."

"I'm sorry for your loss... It really was a horrible winter. Griffara had just become leader, too. But she did what she could."

"I don't think I can ever let go of what happened to my siblings..." Blackwisp's brow furrowed, he looked like he was contemplating something. "Do you ever feel like she doesn't do enough? Like, if she made sure the clanmates were better protected, then maybe Birdbeak would've lived?" 

"It was a surprise attack, I don't know if she could have done anything else, but... yeah, sometimes I wonder what could've been different. It'll just make me sad, though, thinking about what could've been. We can't change what has already been done." 

"Mm. That we can't." 

I shuffled, tucking my paws under my chest. "Thank you for talking with me, Blackwisp. It's been really hard lately. Everyone tiptoes around me like I'm made of glass. But talking to you has been... nice. Even if it's about hard topics. So thanks." 

"Of course..." says Blackwisp. He hesitated for a moment before placing a paw on my shoulder. 

I start to feel my skin heat up under his touch. Without thinking I find myself leaning deeper into his paw, yearning for him to be closer. I imagine our pelts pressed together and sharing warmth throughout the cold nights. Suddenly, I feel him pull away, looking flustured.

 "Sorry," he mumbles, taking a step back. One step of many, away from me. I stand up quickly, not wanting him to go.

"Don't go, please," I whisper the wind seeming to carry my voice to his ear, to carry my begs and cries.

He pauses, turning back to me, then looks around to see if anyone is watching.

I mirror his actions, only to see Mistcatcher walking back towards us. Worry grips her face, twisting her smooth fur. 

"Dirtclaw, can I talk to you," she says softly, looking into my eyes. Her tail leads me gently away from Blackwisp. 

I look back at him, mouthing the words that I will return to him.

"Dirtclaw, there's something I need to tell you," she says, looking down, choking on her words. 

"What is it..." I ask softly, looking at her with ruby eyes, my cat claw pupils expanding into crescent moons.

"I'm not ready," she says, her voice cracking. "I see the way you look at me, I hear how your voice softens when you talk to me. I hope you know that I love and appreciate your companionship, but I'm not ready for anything more. I can't move on from Redwing." Tears swim in her eyes as she looks at me.

"I know," I whisper. My heart aches to see her broken, and I reach out my paw to comfort her. "I need to tell you the truth..." 

She looks at me, nodding for me to continue, her face showing confusion.

"I think I'm in love with Blackwisp," I look down, not wanting to see her reaction. "It confuses me, it's as if there is a force pulling us together... Mistcatcher please understand." 

"Oh, Dirtclaw," she murmurs, looking away. "After you lost Birdbeak, you've been acting strange and I understand that but... I think you're trying too hard to find love. You're looking for what you've lost in everyone. Something to fill the void."

I gape, but despite myself I can feel the truth in her words resonate within me.

"Jumping right back into a relationship might not be the best course of action, not while you're still healing. But that's just what I think. You should do what feels best for you." She gives me a small smile.

"Birdbeak would want me to be happy... And I want to be happy, too. For her."

"You're a hopeless romantic, Dirtclaw," Mistactcher chuckles. "I still remember when you were trying to win her over, you got her just about every flower around because you didn't know her favourite yet."

"Black Baccara rose," I muttered. 

Mistcatcher smiled warmly. "You'd be a great mate. I'm sorry I can't be yours, but I hope you find happiness elsewhere." 

I dip my head. "Thank you, Mistcatcher."