The Capitol Train

"i don't know if i can keep doing this katniss."
the words rumbled from underneath my head, his warmth and comfort radiating about the carriage. i opened my eyes, trying to ignore the biting fatigue that stung at my sockets.
"i know." and i did. he knew. effie knew. and haymitch, my family, their families. snow knew. the words echoed around the room for a while, i caved into the urge to shut my eyes again. the only time i had been able to sleep at all on this train was under peeta, i wasn't going to let that opportunity pass.
"i cant keep lying." his voice came again, rumbling me from the grasps of sleep, i grunted in response, knowing he didn't need any response at all. he was talking to himself.
"every place we go. smiling at those crowds, seeing them smile back, question so intently about our lives as if the families aren't sitting there on pedestals. they're so angry. why shouldn't they be. it's not fair." i felt his breath hitch under me, my chest constricted at his pain.
he knew i was going through the same thing. what was the point in telling me? it's not like i was any happier. i cried each day i left those districts. he knew, just as i know he cried as well.
"i just don't want to keep lying katniss." i nodded, keenly aware of my warm tear sliding onto his chest. his hand tightened around my shoulder and i lent into it. relieved at the pressure, the comfort. i had never let myself be comforted by another's touch like this. not since dad had died.
sure i had held prim, made her feel safe, but to be vulnerable enough to feel such comfort and security was something i could never risk. even in the woods, even with gale. i could never let go of the fear, the constant awareness i needed for every sound, voices, bushes, footsteps.
even the days i ventured into the woods alone i had come back with piercing headaches, as if even the silence was too loud, with erratic rustling and breakage. i was never alone, i was never safe.
even though i was in the greatest danger of my life, here, wrapped in his blankets and relaxing into his homely warmth, i unconsciously had loosened my boundaries.
"i cant keep lying to you." his voice cut sharp into my thoughts, cleaving through any consciousness i held in a sleep deprived captivity.
"hmm?" i moved myself up, placing myself on the pillow across from him. my brain shook and  the hot air from his now unstable breath warmed the hands that were nestled under my chin.
"i cant keep getting back on the train and chaining up my thoughts. i know i promised that we'll always be friends and we will. but i cant keep lying to you. letting you think that what i do out there is an act. that holding your hand doesn't fill me with a messed up bliss despite all the horror we pronounce. that when you kiss me i don't savour it. i can't-" he was silenced as my hand came up to his cheek. i wiped at the tears that shone even in the dark of the carriage. his breath hitched in sorrow. my heart stung.
"peeta i." i stopped myself. i wasn't the talker. there was nothing intelligent to say. so i pressed my lips to his.
my stomach jolted at the contact, the warmth and the comfort. his lips moved almost immediately on mine, slow and calculated, as if he was holding back. as if he was afraid it meant nothing, that it was a half stated apology. i pulled myself toward him, letting my other hand lace around his middle, gathering the soft fabric of his shirt between my palm.
his hand came up to cup my head, letting the other rest safely on my back. my body tensed with the weight, jolting under the surface with yearning.
the kiss deepened as our tongues fought for dominance, my teeth grazed his lip and i smiled at the tensed fingers his body responded with. there was not just comfort now, but a hunger, a need. the out of my stomach was slight as it had been in the cave and his words from before had come back to me 'i don't want to forget.' he'd said them with such intent after the games, the same intent that i felt now. maybe not everything had to be forgotten.
i pulled myself back, placing a hand on his chest before replacing it with my head once more. giving into the fatigue and feeling truly exhausted.
"i'm done with lying too." was all i could get out before falling headfirst into a deep sleep.
and when i awoke, peeta's hand was laced seamlessly into mine, i felt properly awake again.

AN: my self insert scene!! i'm sorry for lack of capital letters, i was writing on my phone... anyways i hope you enjoyed 🫶🫶