Two-Sided Coin

Chapter 3

The sun beat down on my head, drying my washed hair, and only then did I remember that I left all of my things in the school. Cursing under my breath, I frantically searched through my pockets, letting out a long breath of relief when I found that my phone was still on me. At least I'd salvaged one item.

The road seemed so much longer than usual, the heat of midday worsening my headache. I grit my teeth and subconsciously played with the loose strings on my ripped jacket. Each step I took was way too loud and sent shooting pains up my sore legs, but at least it distracted me from the weird and fearful looks I got from the passersby.

Eventually, I blanked my mind again, walking home on auto-pilot. Without noticing, I locked the door behind me and dropped myself on the couch. It must have been a good half hour later that I snapped out of it, blinking hard and taking a few moments to focus on my surroundings.

I didn't understand it, but I had a sudden...want. It wasn't a new feeling, but one I never acted on or paid attention to. Even though this urge assaulted me almost every night as I was lying awake, it didn't seem like something that I should, nor could, fulfil. Did anyone else have this craving for touch? For warmth? For comfort? Or the calming words of a friend?

A metallic taste seeped into my mouth and I realized I was chewing my lip way too hard in order to keep myself together. But it wasn't helping like it usually did. Tears blurred my vision and I leaned back on the filthy couch that suddenly felt too large and empty. The torn leather surface was cool and I longed for the heat that came with a certain boy's arms around me. I hugged myself tightly, desperately trying to simulate the feeling, shutting my eyes to aid with the illusion.

But why wasn't it helping? Why weren't the tears stopping? Why was everything so cold?

Everything smelled of blood and it made me wonder how I've gotten to this point. What did I ever do? But here I was, crying my eyes out on a broken couch in bloodstained clothing. All alone.

My breaths came in gasps as I tried to calm myself. I needed to get myself together. There was no reason to cry. It was ridiculous that I was getting so emotional over a simple fight I had at school. That was the reason for this breakdown, right?

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them, leaning my wet face against the ripped jeans. Rocking back and forth slightly, I repeated calming phrases I've read online over and over again, wishing that it would be over soon. But my limbs didn't stop trembling and my eyes didn't dry up and the silence in the room was only filled with my sobs and not another's gentle voice.

Then, I felt it.

The warmth I've been yearning for came. Someone wrapped themselves around me, surrounding me with the touch I needed. I leaned heavily against them, cherishing the embrace. A soft hand caressed my limp hair that somehow got soaked in sweat. Nothing felt better.

I savoured the gentle arms around me, hugging me close. Words were being whispered in my ear and even though I didn't comprehend what was being said, the tone made comfort blossom in my aching chest. I heard the boy's steady heartbeat through his school uniform and my fluttering pulse slowly matched his. It brought a small hint of a smile to my chapped lips when I realized this and I couldn't help but nuzzle my face against his neck, breathing in his cheap cologne. I couldn't believe that he actually tried to smell nice considering how much money we earned. But at that moment I was glad of the fact. I wanted to smell it; it was strangely calming. I took deep, slow breaths and I think he started praising me. But it was all so tiring. His touch was so relaxing. I shifted my position so that my legs were across his lap and my torso was leaning on him. My thoughts were blurring together and everything felt so far away. My red eyes blinked lethargically as my vision darkened and then everything went black.

...

A cold, wet cloth brushed against my forehead. It was relaxing and I couldn't help but smile gently at the soothing feeling.

"Hyung, are you awake?" Jungkook's soft voice questioned.

I forced my eyes open and looked at him, my heart sinking slightly when I saw how tired he looked, dark bags standing out under his eyes.

"You should rest," I mumbled with the little energy I had, bringing up a hand to place on top of his. He stared at the point of contact for a few moments, then nodded, pulling away his hand, and stood.

"I'll be in the next room," he assured, picking up the bowl of cold water and his washcloth. I nodded, watching him leave, then turned over onto my side, curling up into the fetal position facing the wall. My mind kept wandering to my blackouts, no matter how hard I tried to forget. I was beginning to think it connected with V, but I brushed that off quickly. I didn't want think of him at this time.

I shivered, hugging my pillow closer. My blanket was somewhere across the room and I was too tired to find it.

Was I to go to school tomorrow? Could I possibly go there again? I was terrified of what would happen if I lost consciousness again. Would the same thing play out? Or maybe something worse?

I grit my teeth, focusing on taking deep breaths so I could calm. It eventually worked and I managed to push the bad thoughts out of my mind. At that moment, I just felt lonely.

On shaking legs, I stood. It took me a couple seconds to regain balance, but I walked rather confidently out of my room. With the support of my hand on the wall, I made my way to Jungkook's door.

I hesitated. What if he didn't want me there? Recently, he's seemed almost afraid of me, or just annoyed. I wasn't that great with reading people, so I wasn't sure. But I decided to take the chance.

The handle was cool and the surface was rough with rust as I twisted it. The door creaked loudly when it opened, signaling my entrance. I saw Jungkook on the bed and his eyes widened when he saw me enter. His hand fumbled under his pillow and he pulled out an orange pill bottle, trying to unscrew the top as fast as possible.

I frowned. Why was he reacting this way? Yes, it was the first time I actually entered his room without his command, but was it really that bad? He'd offered this, didn't he?

"C-Calm down," he stuttered as I took a step toward him. His bottom lip was trembling and I desperately wanted to still it. But every time I moved closer, he scrambled back.

"Kookie?" I whispered in confusion. He swallowed thickly, then slowly started to stand, not taking his eyes off of me.

"Just, stay calm," he told me, his voice becoming more confident. "Just take your pills and go to sleep."

"What are you saying, Kookie?" I asked. "What pills?"

He swallowed again and took a step towards me, his hand with the bottle extended. Then he said something that stopped my heart.

"It's okay, V."

I turned my head sharply behind me, looking for the man who's been ruining my life for years. But...noone was there. Maybe I misheard? But no, he clearly said 'V'. I slowly looked back at Jungkook.

"Just take your pills, V hyung," he breathed, fear becoming evident in his voice. "Just take them and go."

I played with the hem of my shirt.

"Did you just...call me...V?" I whispered, cocking my head. Now it was his turn to frown as he nodded.

"Ye-Yes..."

My heart jumped to my throat and my legs suddenly couldn't support my weight. I fell to my knees, my gaze fixated on nothing as I tried to process what was happening.

"I'm...V?"