Two-Sided Coin

Chapter 4

The silence that filled the room was deafening. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the pill bottle fall from Jungkook's grasp and crash on the carpet, the white tablets spilling around it.

"Tae?" he tried, but I couldn't form any words to respond. I merely nodded my head slightly, then stiffened when he came barreling towards me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and whispering endless apologizes in my ear.

What was I to do? I was a monster. I made my sweet Jungkook act like this, become this terrified, shivering boy by just walking into the room.

Without making a conscious decision, I pushed Jungkook away and stood. There was no place for me here. I simply hurt the ones around me. I had to leave.

I stumbled out of the room and into the bathroom, then kneeled by the toilet for the second time in less than 24 hours. There wasn't anything in my stomach so I dry heaved for a good ten minutes, tears running down my face. When did I start crying?

I could hear Jungkook knocking on the door frantically and yelling out my name, but I didn't reply. Everything would be easier for him if I wasn't here. He wouldn't have to worry about me and just graduate calmly, get into a good college. I stood, finally, and moved to the sink, fumbling for the drawer that was usually kept locked. This time was no different. I let out a yell of frustration as the rusty lock slit the tip of my finger in it's resistance and kicked the structure. But it wouldn't budge.

"Hyung! What are you doing? Hyung, stay calm. Just open the door."

I crouched in front of the drawer, sucking on my wounded finger, racking my brain for a way to open it. By this point, I've completely blocked my friend's cries coming from the hallway and focused on the task at hand. I ran a hand through my hair roughly, looking around the room for obvious hiding spots for a key. Nothing stuck out to me, so I just continued trying to break the lock.

It took me half an hour, but eventually I heard a satisfying crack and the metal loop connecting the lock to the drawer snapped off, bringing a sad smile to my face. My heart began racing and I opened it, peeking inside. I never knew what was inside, but I assumed it was something either very private or dangerous in some way. Either way, I wanted to know. My jaw clenched when I saw that it was full of pill bottles identical to the one Jungkook offered me, all varying in amount left. I stood, staring, for a moment. I couldn't believe it. What were these pills? What were they for?

I remembered something Jungkook said.

"Just take your pills and go to sleep."

Sleeping pills?

With trembling hands, I picked up a bottle that looked more or less full and shook out a few of the tablets onto my palm. They looked so harmless and pure; what was the worst that could happen?

I moistened my lips and took a shaky breath, looking at the door. At some point an eerie silence had fallen. Maybe Jungkook stopped caring. Good.

A warm drop fell onto my hand. I looked down and realized it was my tear. Was this really that upsetting? Why couldn't I just do it? It would only make the world a better place. This power to get rid of a monster was literally in my hands, but fear was holding me back. I was a coward.

I sniffed and poured a couple more pills to join the others. A small handful is enough, right? I mean, I always loved sleep. It took away the pain. This was just an eternal sleep, right? So why was I crying?

Then I heard the commotion. Sirens sounded from outside, then a door was broken down. It was now or never. My breathing became painfully erratic and I shut my eyes tight, bringing my hand up to my mouth to swallow down my pain, washing it down with fresh tears.

My head spun and I stumbled back, tripping over the toilet and falling onto the linoleum floor. Everything was fuzzy and felt so far away. Nothing was focusing. In the back of my mind it registered that the door opened and someone in uniform picked me up. But that was all I could remember before everything went black.

...

A loud beeping brought me back to reality. Everything was calm except for the hums and beeps and the lights I saw flickering out of the corner of my eye. I was so weak that I wanted to just fall asleep immediately after waking up, but something kept me awake.

I saw Jungkook sitting next to me, the bags under his eyes ten times worse than when I saw them last and tear stains covering his cheeks. His gaze was focused on nothing and he looked so tired, it broke my heart.

My mouth wouldn't form words, so I just hummed softly to get his attention. His head immediately snapped in my direction and the overwhelming happiness that brightened his eyes made me want to laugh.

"Hyung? Are you awake?" he asked excitedly and I nodded.

"Where am I?" I mumbled.

"The hospital," he drew out, frowning. "Do you remember anything?"

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to recall what brought me here. The effort was making my head spin and I stopped when I felt him running his hand through my hair.

"Nevermind, don't strain yourself," he told me kindly. I nodded and let out a long breath.

"What happened?" I managed and I could feel the atmosphere turn cold.

"You overdosed, hyung," he whispered, his voice shaking from holding back tears. I swallowed thickly and turned my head away. Everything came back. The pills. The drawer. V.

V.

"Just take your pills, V hyung."

Isn't that what I did?

"Kookie," I breathed and he hummed in response.

"Am I V?"

His grip on my hand tightened he hummed another affirmative response. We stayed that way for a few silent minutes, him holding my hand and me lying on my side on the hospital bed.

Eventually, I pulled away. I couldn't take it. Why didn't he just leave me? He must know it was all for him. Or maybe it wasn't. Was I being selfish? Was this just because I was unable to take this all and wanted an out? Jungkook never told me to do this. For all I know, he had some reason unknown to me for not just offing me and getting it over with.

"Why do you keep me around?" I voiced my eternal question in a low voice. He swallowed thickly and didn't say anything.

"Financial stability?" I pressed. "Pure loneliness? Why? Why?!"

I didn't realize I had raised my voice until the effort it took to do so almost made me pass out. Then I heard Jungkook let out a quiet sob.

Oh my god, I made him cry.

I turned my head to look at him and he had both hands up to his face, covering his nose and mouth with his eyes closed. He seemed to get himself together and slowly lowered his hands, though tears still made their way down his cheeks.

"Hyung," he began in a wavering voice. "You're my only friend. I've known you since I was born and after your parents left and mine...passed away, we both had nobody to turn to. Taehyung, I don't just keep you around for laughs. I care about you. I want you around. I need you."

Tears filled my eyes, but these were different. These were warm. They were full of love. They were fueled by happiness.

"Kookie," I whispered, then raised my hand as much as I could with the energy I had. He smiled a watery smile and took my hand, squeezing it slightly.

"I love you."