I JUST WANT YOU TO LIKE ME | ✓

▬ 09: needs

            After I returned the first one to him, Dominic continued to lend me CDs. They were always by bands I'd never heard of and though I didn't particularly like the music, I devoured them eagerly; it somehow lifted me above all my mates to know bands that didn't get played on the radio.

Sometimes he invited me to stay over and watch movies I would never get away with watching at home (Natural Born Killers, Basic Instinct, Trainspotting) so, of course, I stayed. I liked that he treated me like an adult but in a good way, not the way Má treated me like an adult and expected me to take care of everything but never let me gain any of the benefits — like watching any movie with a drop of blood or owt beyond a kiss. It quickly became habitual for me to go over to Dominic's between school and football, time which I used to spend at the library trying to study but enjoyed much more like this, and before long, I started going nearly every day. Dominic would order pizza, another thing Má never let me have at home, and within two months, I were so used to him that when he cut himself out of my routine, it were as if I'd lost one of my thumbs.

I were the one to kiss him.

We were watching Eyes Wide Shut, except I weren't really watching it. Dominic's flat were so small that he only had a bed and the telly were against the wall parallel to it. We'd sit sideways on the mattress as if it were a sofa. He had wrapped his arm around me and his other hand dipped regularly to grab handfuls of the salt and vinegar crisps in my lap. Which I were grateful for because, despite being a heterosexual movie, Eyes Wide Shut were erotic enough that I couldn't promise to not be turned on by it, especially with Dominic confining me into his body heat.

His chestnut brown hair draped over his forehead, nowt like the coarse strands of my own. He had a big nose, which were perfect, I thought, because my own flat nose would make space for it so our mouths would easily find each other. Jacob told me Dominic didn't have a girlfriend when I asked as subtly as I could but I imagined that he would be a good kisser — he were turning twenty-five in March, after all, and there were no way someone as fit as him could be inexperienced. I imagined the arm around my shoulders pulling me against him. I imagined his nose pressing against mine, his tongue in my mouth.

Then I kissed him.

I had never kissed anyone before and I didn't know how to do it. So I just clamped my lips over his and waited for him to lead. He didn't. I screwed my eyes shut as I pulled away only an inch, unable to face my shame, unable to face whatever I would see in those blue eyes — anger, disgust, hatred. Just because he didn't have a girlfriend didn't mean he were gay. What if he told Jacob? Jacob would tell the whole school. What if Má heard about it? What if he told Má?

Because I had little to lose, I tried again. This time, Dominic conceded and soon it were his mouth over mine. My lips were numb from the vinegar crisps and my nerves; I hardly felt the graze of his teeth. But just as I reached my hand out, he pulled away.

I tried to catch him again but Dominic anchored a hand on my chest to push me back. 'We can't do that, bunny—'

'I won't tell anyone!' Panic threw all the doors open at once and frozen air swarmed into me. 'I promise. I'm not even out so I literally can't tell anyone.'

'It's not about you telling someone...' His voice twisted with pity. 'You're so young.'

'I'm almost an adult.'

'You've just turned sixteen.'

'That's almost eighteen.' I were about to start shivering and my eyes were burning with the promise of tears. The last thing I needed were to prove his point that I were some immature kid so I wrestled my distress into the basement. 'I well like you and all.'