I JUST WANT YOU TO LIKE ME | ✓

▬ 13: cherry tree

            Fatigue still clings to me as sleep slowly retreats. Even when I'm awake enough to feel Ziri caress my cheek, my eyelids remain too heavy to open, my lashes glued together. He must sense I'm approaching consciousness because he whispers, 'Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. Do you feel like eatin or do you just wanna sleep?'

I'm about to tell him I want to sleep but just as the words reach my tongue, I realise how hungry I am, like I haven't eaten in weeks. Ziri smiles when he sees my eyes part. The room is dark, save for a light glow that cleaves through the ajar door and my eyes shift to the window to find a square of pitch-black sky. How long did I sleep for?

I crashed into bed the moment I got home from therapy and the sun were still bright then. I know that because I distinctly remember thinking that I don't have the energy to close the blinds — honestly, it's lucky I had enough energy to not crash the car. From now on, I'll have to go to therapy by bus because it's definitely not safe for me to drive like this.

'I'll eat.'

Ziri picks up a glass from the nightstand. 'Brought you some water.'

I push myself up onto my elbows to take it and gulp several mouthfuls. It's cold and tastes like it came directly from a blessed mountain stream.

Ziri continues to stroke my hair as I drink. 'How was therapy?'

'Exhausting.'

He hums a laugh. 'I know what you mean.'

I sip the water, hoping it'll last forever so I have an excuse not to talk, but I'm too thirsty to savour it properly and the glass is empty within a minute. I place it on the table.

'He — Dr Qureshi — wants me to talk to you about boundaries during sex. Which I told him is stupid cause we've never had sex so what boundaries are there to talk about? But apparently, it's "useful for the future".' I inject enough mockery into my imitation of him to ensure Ziri understands I know it's ridiculous and don't actually want to do it. I'm perfectly happy ignoring the homework as I did most of the time in school, hastily scribbling summat two minutes before class.

'You wanna do that now or some other time?'

I stare at him. Surely he has better things to do. But when he waits patiently for a response, I have to accept that he genuinely wants one.

'I guess now.' If I'm already exhausted and having an awful day, I might as well get all this over with and there's a chance tomorrow won't be as awful, though I'll probably be dead tired. I wouldn't mind being put in a coma for a few weeks right about now.

Ziri climbs over me to sit comfortably against the wall rather than on the edge of the bed. I turn over to face him, sitting up properly as I do, and though I open my mouth, nowt comes out. My eyes claw up to meet his. When they do, I blink repetitively to escape the care and affection in them.

Eventually, I wring my hands and look down at them to be able to speak. 'I feel bad, cause we've been waiting for five years and all and now we have to wait even longer just cause of me, like.'

Ziri remains silent for a long time and when I finally dare to look up enough to see his mouth, I find it curved into a stubborn smile he tries dutifully to repress. 'K– Miles... do you not hear the double standard in that?' A laugh escapes from his stomach even as he tries to swallow it. 'You have been tellin me bout how you don't need sex and how I don't owe you sex. I don't need that either.' He reaches out for my wrist to still my wringing. 'We don't need to have sex.'