Jean's Journal

Entry 143

Day: 16th
Month: October
Year: 857

The slight chill of fall is in the air now. When I have the time, I like to take a walk in the cemetery.

After having to flee Paradis, many of the refugees created a memorial garden, a nice way of calling it a graveyard, for everyone who lost their lives in the war. Marlean, Eldian, Eastern Nation, it didn't matter here.

Even though I know there is no body there. I feel some comforting having Marco there. I can come sit a talk with him. Go visit Sasha, Connie, even Bertholdt.

I still have trouble wanted to go to Eren's gravestone. It's in a small corner, only a handful of people actually know it's Eren. The rest of the world celebrates his death, as for myself, I'm still undecided about the subject.

It's something I wrestle with a lot. Despite some of the negative feelings I had as we essentially grew up together, Eren was still a friend, and a comrade. He cared about his friends but, he was also became a hollow manipulative b*stard. I still blame him for Sasha's death. If Armin is correct that somehow Eren saw all this coming, why didn't he warn us, warn her. I feel that burning anger as I watch Niccolo and Sarah begin their life together, think about how that could have been Connie and Sasha, sharing a life together. I wonder if their kids would play together. Would Niccolo have cooked for their wedding.

But none of that matters now, I just hope wherever Connie and Sasha are, they are happy.

But back to Eren. I've not only had countless arguments with myself, but with Armin as well. Sometimes those arguments end with Onyonkapon dragging me out of the room. It's like Armin knows something we don't, or just an undying loyalty to his childhood friend. Sometimes he forgets everything I lost, and I sometimes forget everything he lost. But sometimes anger out weighs empathy.

Some of that undying loyalty to Eren, probably caused Annie to keep her distance as the years pasted. I see her at Bertholdt's grave a lot, we make eye contact but don't speak.

Although I think Armin and her are more similar then they like to believe. Both seem to have loyalties to people who used them, but in some way still really cared about them. Both don't really seem to have guilt about things that they have done. Well in Armin's case, in private, he is somewhat grateful to Eren like he was some kind of savior. Annie just goes through life like nothing happened, I've never seen her once apologize or even show any kind of sadness over the people she killed. Never once apologized to Levi.

I wonder if she ever stops by the graves of his old team. Has nightmares about their screams.

I hope she does.

Now to whoever reads this, I know that sounds incredibly vindictive and cruel. I have nightmares about the fellow scouts I had to kill, watching Sasha bleed out, almost killing a child. I guess reading Levi's journals have refueled the anger I have towards Annie. They had names, families, friends...lovers.

Eld loved to write, Levi kept a collection of his short stories. Gunther was an artist, Petra loved to garden, and Oluo was a bibliophile.

Eld has a fiancée, Petra and Oluo were in love, Gunther was caring for an ill father.

In a matter of minutes, all of those lives...gone.

I didn't see the bodies, but I know Eren refused to talk about it. Even before Levi died, he wouldn't talk about his old squad.

I know I'm probably not the best person to judge, I've got blood on my hands. We all do, but if I could take it all back.

My mother worries, she thinks it's odd I don't talk much about my time in the corps anymore. She says I'm different, that there is this constant sadness in my eyes. I hate to tell her but I wish she would make something other than my favorite omelette every time. It's good, but not for our weekly dinners together. But I feel like she thinks it's the only thing she can do to help. Another consistent thing with my mother is her pushing for me 'find a nice girl' settle down.

I don't even know what settling down at this point would look like. The only two people who I could see a future with...

Well the only one still alive....it's complicated.

Since the wedding, Mikasa and I have been spending more time together. Evening walks through the town, sitting down by the shore.

She's the only person I can really talk to things about, well except Eren. We tend to avoid that topic. But we share stories about Sasha, Marco, Ymir...Connie. There is something comforting about spending time with Mikasa. It's a warm comforting feeling when she leans her head on my shoulder, her black hair getting long again, falling across her face.

I know our hearts will never fully belong to one another and it's more companionship, But there is a long road of healing ahead, but it's nice knowing I'm not walking it alone.

-Jean