Jean's Journal

A Heart to Heart: Loss

A side story that ties into the series

"I'm not leaving Paradis. I'm not leaving Eren." Mikasa said quietly.

Jean and Armin exchanged glances. They knew this was going to be tough.

"Not sure why you brought her with you. Her only goal was to kill Eren." Mikasa said giving a side eye to Pieck.

Pieck looked down. She wasn't wrong. In her eyes she was part of the group that was responsible for years of torment under the titans, killed one of her best friends, and killed her lover. They had only worked together to save humanity, but when Mikasa had disappeared into the mist years ago, whatever comradeship they shared was over.

"Mikasa...the Jeagerists are growing more extreme each day. Paradis has turned into military state, they are done trying to make peace with the rest of the world.", Armin said taking a zip of his tea. "Rumors are already starting to spread that it was you who killed their champion, not me."

"They don't frighten me" Mikasa said flatly. "I'm stronger than any of them.

"For f*cksake Mikasa!!!" Jean slammed his fist on the table. "One of them murdered Connie!! Many want Armin dead too! Just like Levi you lost the power of the Ackermans the day Ymir's curse was lifted!!"

Mikasa didn't flinch.

"You only want me to come with you thinking I might one day marry you. Think you'll wear me down, finally just take advantage of my loneliness?"

Jean's face went hot. "That's not what I-"

"Jean I have no intentions of ever being with you".

Armin spoked again. "Mikasa don't you trust me? Your life will soon be in danger, Eren wouldn't want you to stay here, like a sitting duck"

"You don't know what Eren wanted" Mikasa said sharply. "He did what he did for us!"

"Enough!" Pieck stood from her chair. "Honestly, this guy murders almost 80% of humanity, and you would rather die to be here at his grave. What a wasted life, you know you weren't the only one who's empty now"

"What would you know about loss?", Mikasa said.

"At least you had something to bury". Pieck said, her tone much softer now. "There was nothing left of Porco, and he died to save a child's life".

Pieck turned to look at the painting of Eren.

"Mikasa, while we may have grown up in different places, different circumstances. We are also quite similar. Both raised to be soldiers, not really given much of a choice in life. Losing family and friends along the way. Having to make difficult choices. Losing the one we loved."

Pieck turned back to Mikasa. A tear sliding down her cheek.

"I was in love with him. We knew our lives were short, but we knew we wanted to spend our lives together but...." Pieck drew in a deep breath.

"I lost my other half that day. Watching him be devoured, with that stupid smirk on face before he went, I didn't even get to say goodbye, had nothing to bring back to his family. Someone who I spent my childhood with, gone in the blink of an eye"

There was heavy silence in the room. 

"I wake up everyday, knowing Pock is gone. Knowing I'll never feel his warm arms around me again, his sweet kiss, run my fingers through his hair...." Pieck sat down again, the tears flowing now.

Jean reached into a his pocket and handed Pieck a tissue.

"So I understand. I understand that their is a pain in your heart that will never heal, a dull ache, dreams you don't want to end" Pieck sniffled.

Armin looked at Mikasa, seeing her eyes glass over.

Pieck reached out, and gently taking Mikasa's hands.

"But even still I, we both need to keep living. Keep moving forward."

For a moment, Mikasa could feel Hange's arms around her again. Hear her soft voice. "We have to keep moving forward."

Mikasa closed her eyes as tears hit the table.

"I keep going because I don't want Porco's sacrifice to be in vain. I keep living because it's the best way I know to honor his and my friends memories. You are right. I didn't know the Eren you all knew, but I've heard stories, and I know he wouldn't want you to spend your life here waiting to die, willing to put yourself in harms way. He wouldn't want you isolated here"

"Mikasa let's both keep living for them, because those graves are empty spaces. Their souls, their memories will stay in our hearts forever."

******************************

The trio arrived back on the ship quite late. Most of the crew, minus the night guard were asleep. They went to the kitchen where Jean fixed them a quick dinner.

"I hope I was able to get through to her" Pieck said.

"Thank you for coming with us Pieck" Armin said quietly. "I know that wasn't easy for you."

"In that war I think we are all victims Armin", Pieck said.

"War is sh*t" said Jean taking a bite of potato, feeling a sadness as he looked at the other half still on his fork.

Armin sighed, "and unfortunately we are on the edge of another one."

The 3 finished their meal in silence, thinking about just how much they had lost.