Jean's Journal

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Another side story that ties into the series

Gabi couldn't sleep. Normally the gentle rock of the ship could put her to sleep, but ever since the Blaus family came aboard to be evacuated from Paradis, her nights had been restless.

Mr. and Mrs. Blaus were friendly and kind as they usually were, but the adopted kids, not so much. One of the 2 boys was friendly with her, but just made small talk. Both boys had been fine with sharing Falco's cabin, with Armin now bunking with Jean after Connie was tragically murdered a few weeks before.

Kaya and the other girl, were cordial, but refused to room with Gabi, instead choosing to Pieck. Kaya wouldn't really look at Gabi. Despite them saving each other during the war and had parted on somewhat good terms, Kaya still carried around the burden of losing Sasha, and watching her killer be free, see her parents again, find love.

Kaya wouldn't return her letters, but she returned Falco's and was very warm to Falco. I guess since he didn't pull the trigger, Kaya had forgiven him. It was hard, Gabi knew she could apologize a thousand times over, but it wouldn't make a difference, Sasha was still dead, and now Kaya just had to leave her behind, which fueled even more resentment towards her.

Gabi groaned, she had debating tell Gabi about her dream or ghost visit from Sasha, but she assumed that Kaya would just think she was making things up to try and win her over. She had only told Falco.

Realizing sleep wasn't happening anytime soon, Gabi decided to escape the stuffiness of her cabin and get some fresh air. According to the clock on the wall it was about 12:34am. Most aboard would be asleep and with them out to sea, she would be safe to be out.

The spring air still had a bit of a chill to it, Gabi was glad she brought her coat. She inhaled the salt air and felt her nerves ease a bit.

She was staring out at the inky black horizon when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Mia...I mean Gabi, what are you doing out here?"

Gabi turned to see Artur Blaus walking towards her, with a mug of tea in his hand.

"Evening Mr. Blaus", Gabi said quietly.

"Can't sleep either", he asked joining her at the railing. "You ain't thinking about jumping are ya?"

"Huh?...no, I mean it's not like I haven't thought about it but it wouldn't solve anything".

"Gabi, something on your mind?", Artur implored.

"To be honest yeah, it just seems no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get Kaya to warm up to me, plus it's hard having you all here, I mean please don't take offense," Gabi was trying to carefully word her thoughts. "It's like I see her every where, in you, Mrs. Blaus, Kaya..." she trailed off.

"Guilt is eatin ya up isn't it?"

Gabi swallowed the growing lump in her throat. "There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret getting into that airship. Pulling the trigger....oh I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that". Gabi noticed Mr. Blaus was staring off into the sea.

He took a sip from his tea, "I'm glad Sasha got to see this, see other lands, enjoy love".

"I'm sorry I took all that away from her", Gabi said softly.

Mr. Blaus put a hand on her shoulder. "Gabi, darling, you were only doing what both you and Sasha were trained to do, I'd reckon if someone came to Sasha's home and shot some of her friends, she'd want revenge too. Do you remember what I said back at the restaurant few years back?"

Gabi nodded, "you said you were the one who sent Sasha into the forest, and that we were all lost, and it was up to the adults to lead us out."

"And I still mean that, I sent my daughter to the military, she killed people and then got killed herself, I miss her everyday, but I've never hated you Gabi, neither has Lisa".