Jean's Journal

Entry #94

Day: April 3rd
Month: April
Year: 857

I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. So much has happened since the assassination attempt on Annie, and Connie heroic sacrifice. Annie has been hesitant to be around any of us, even though we have tried to tell her we are not angry with her about Connie's death.

Connie's mother harbors no anger at neither Annie or the kid who shot Connie. I think she took a page out of Mr. Blaus' book. We sent a letter to the Blaus family through a trusted messenger to let them know when we would
be burying Connie. I know Connie and Kaya had grown close over the past years, bonding over their memories of Sasha. We advised them to not come to the ship, which is heavily guarded now with soldiers of the alliance that were stationed in Pardis. It's becoming clear home is not a safe place anymore, instead of Titans to fear, we now fear our fellow human. We fear that more radicalized Jeagerists might try to act us and anyone who associates with us.

We had to have Connie's funeral under the cover of night. With Onyankopon volunteering to stand guard with a rifle, and two other alliance soldiers watching the area for anyone who might try and attack us in our moment of vulnerability. Reiner, Pieck and I both carry pistols under our coats, Armin refused to carry one. It was chilly but clear night, with a dazzling display of stars in the sky. Connie would have liked that. Apparently Kaya notices me staring at the night sky in awe and read my mind. "You know" she said quietly, "They use to go star gazing together during their training cadet days, and now they are among the stars together." Kaya says with a heavy sigh.

Connie's mother spoke a few quite words about how proud of Connie she was, and that she was at peace knowing Connie gave his life to protect another. I can feel the tears hot in my eyes and I'm grateful for the cover of darkness. Our faces hidden in shadow but the few lanterns we risked having. Being in that cemetery, brought back a flood of painful memories, the cold rain, Mikasa sitting behind her grave, Connie's look pure emptiness, her mother and sister sobbing at her grave. I hear sniffling and am comforted to know that I'm not the only one crying. I was snapped out of my trance when Mrs. Springer asked me to speak. "You and Connie were so close". Everyone looked at me, and I froze. Eventually I managed to put into words just how much Connie meant to me, and how I would miss him dearly, and how he played a huge part in saving the world. I talked about his sense of humor, devotion to family, and devotion to his friends, and Sasha. I finished with expressing that I was glad that Sasha welcomed him home & that he got to experience a world without Titans.

After I finished speaking, Armin spoke a few words about Connie's loyalty and what a dear friend he was. When he finished speaking there was a silence in the air. Kaya silently laid a few flowers on his grave. Niccolo broke the silence, he opened up the basket he brought with him with a bottle of wine and glasses. "I know we are trying to stay inconspicuous but I believe we should have a toast to our dear Connie". Wine was poured, glasses were lifted, "to Connie, a loyal friend, brave soldier, and devoted son", Niccolo said. "To Connie" we all repeated back and drank the small bit of wine.

If your wondering, Annie was there. Standing silently beside Armin, eyes on the ground. I already know Annie is going to carry this guilt with her for a long time, and that nothing we say will change that. I notice Gabi starting at the ground too. Mr. & Mrs. Blaus had embraced Gabi and Falco and had been glad to see they were doing well. Kaya hugged Falco, gave a curt nod to Gabi. Connie had told me she was still working on fully forgiving Gabi. On our way to the cemetery I overheard her ask Falco if Connie was being buried in the same place that "Kaya's big sister is". "Yeah right next to her I think..." he whispered back. Gabi had remained silent. Like Annie, Gabi is carrying a guilt that may never leave her, and being at the place where her victim rested was obviously taking a bit of a toll.

Mikasa placed a bouquet of flowers on Connie's grave, the same ones she put on Sasha's 7 years ago. I noticed she had some bags under her eyes, like she wasn't sleeping well, but still had that same red scarf around her neck. She stayed crouched at the grave, and I heard her whisper to the air, "at least you two can be at peace together now". I raised one eyebrow, I honestly thought I was the only one who knew about Connie and Sasha's relationship, but then again Sasha and Mikasa were incredibly close and roommates, so I'm sure it must have come out at some point. I was hoping Niccolo didn't her hear, after Sasha's death, Connie had told me it was best to not "kick a man while he's down", and that it wouldn't change anything even if had told Niccolo what Sasha truly was to him.

After a few more minutes of silence, standing around his grave, Onyankopon broke the silence. "Jean, I hate to have to do this but we need to start clearing the area". I nodded, "you're right, no where is safe on this island". Historia had her own small group of loyal soldiers who were acting as her escort for the evening, the Blaus family and Niccolo had arrived with the protection of Gabi, Falco, and Onyankopon, Mikasa arrived on her own. We starting coordinating a staggered exit from the cemetery as to not draw any attention. Each one passing by both Connie and Sasha's grave saying their own goodbyes. Kaya paused for a minute at Sasha's grave and looked up, "take care of him big sis, I know you will". Mr. Blaus simply laid his hands on both of the graves and bowed his head for a moment. Soon all that was left was Armin, Mikasa, myself, Reiner, & Mr. Springer. "Jean dear, I know we need to go but please, just give me a few moments alone with him". We agreed and back away some Mrs. Springer could have her privacy.

Armin had managed to convince Mikasa to stay on the ship with us for a few days. She lived alone just outside Shinganshina, by the tree Eren was buried at. Armin and I both knew we had a tough task ahead of us. With Paradis becoming more hostile towards anyone on the outside, evacuation plans needed to be made. Mrs. Springer had already agreed to being evacuated to Marley, as well as the Blaus family, Historia and her daughter. It was just a matter of when, & how. It was going to be a challenge to convince Mikasa that Paradis was no longer safe, but she just couldn't bear to leave Eren's grave. Mikasa believes that the Jeagerists will leave her alone due to her loyalty to Eren, but we soon fear that people will find out that it was actually her who killed Eren.

The next evening, I was sitting in my cabin on the ship, thinking of what to say to Mikasa. When there was a knock on my door, it was Gabi.

"Jean...that Bozard kid who killed Connie, he's on the ship right?"

"Yeah, he's locked away below deck, under 24 guard, he's not going to hurt anyone else"

"I'm not worried about that....I was...I was hoping I could talk to him"

-Jean