Deviant Ardor

[o7 : Too Much to Ask] redux

[...3 years later...]
[Ocher / Second Autumn 2032]
[Sardius city]

Just outside Elias's office, I nervously paced the floor, vigorously practicing in my head everything I wanted to say. I was so lost in my own head that I didn't realize how long I'd been pacing, much less that I was even being watched. It wasn't until Elias cleared his throat good and loud that I even thought to stop.

"Are you going to tell me today what's wrong?" he began to ask, "Or are you going to continue to work a trench into my floor?" Even from a distance, he could read the confusion on my face, and my struggle to make sense of what he was asking. With a heavy sigh, he waved me into his office, shaking his head as he told me to, "Sit."

I took a seat in a chair opposite him, suddenly feeling more lost than ever.

"Alright. Tell me what's going on. You've been pacing outside my door off and on for days now, and disrupting my peace of mind. What's the matter?"

My mouth opened and closed repeatedly with soundless words. Once I realized I wasn't saying anything out loud, I stopped and closed my mouth for good.

For a long time, I stayed silent, struggling to organize my thoughts. My body was still as I thought, as if moving would completely derail my train of thought. Before coming in, I'd thought long and hard on what I'd wanted to say or ask, I'd worked the words into the best order and practiced them until I'd committed them to memory. And now here I was, unsure, with all of my pretty, organized words gone and out of my head.

I had to start from scratch.

"Elias... What exactly is the point of a Deviant?" I paused to let the question breathe, giving Elias time to prepare for my train of thought. "Like, I know that Deviant's can be contracted out for extended amounts of time, but... That seems so technical, so simple. Is it really that simple? Are Deviant's really just expensive play-thing's for people's wildest desires?" I fell quiet again for a few beats as my thoughts expanded. "Like, Bunny. I know that she's almost exclusively contracted to Musa since she put on the ring... And she seems really happy about it – they both do." I paused and chewed at my lip. "I asked Bunny about her contracting herself out to other people on a regular basis. Like, not to close her contract with Musa, but to just maybe take other contracts on a semiregular basis, too. And not just when Musa's away. I guess I don't understand why she would become a Deviant and not take on multiple contracts. I mean, I thought that was the point. Instead, it's like she's just – contracted into a relationship, with more steps."

Elias chuckled. "And how did our Bunny respond?"

I frowned. "Bunny told me that she was happy. And said, 'why would I want to divide my focus when Musa's enough?'"

Chuckling again, Elias nodded, as if he'd expected no less of an answer. "How very Bunny of her to answer a question with a question. But, was her convoluted response not enough for you?"

After thinking about it, I shook my head.

"Alright. What more would you like for me to explain or discuss with you, mi melodía?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe...well... How do you see it, Elias? What does someone being a Deviant mean to you?"

"Well..." He leaned himself back in his chair more as he carefully considered how best to respond. "I suppose, I should first ask, do you remember from your studies why Deviants affectionately refer to one another as 'Toi's' with an I?"

"Kind of..."

"It's because, by proper definition, 'toi' translates to 'you.' And that is because, to become a toi is to lose one's self in their Deviancy. A proper Deviant – a toi – surrenders themselves to the wants and whims of their Contracted, to become an instrument used to ease and comfort. As an active Deviant, a toi's 'self' is no longer their possession. Now, that isn't to say that a Deviant is living property, but rather, they're also not their own. At least not completely. Do you understand?"